Ds1 hates me since baby came along :(

[Chattycat78]

Just that really. I have a 19 month old and now a ten week old too.

Baby was a month prem and spent 2 weeks In special care so not the easiest start.

Since he has been born, my relationship with ds1 has gone down the pan. I'm starting to get upset by it, which is perhaps stupid but I can't help it.

He only wants dh and screams when he leaves for work and asks for him all day. I'm embarrassed by this as I feel it reflects badly on me.

When I'm alone with him and the baby he can be a nightmare. He kicks me, hits me and bites me unless I'm giving him full attention- which largely I'm not as I'm feeding the baby etc.

I feel inadequate and like I'm not coping with this sometimes. In addition the baby has very bad wind and can scream for hours unless he is held or in a sling.

I'm trying to go out with them both but it's very restrictive due to their very different needs- so the toddler gets frustrated. I feel like I've lost the relationship I had with him.

Argh.

It passes..try and get him involved in stuff to do with the baby. For example I would let DD wipe babys butt while I was changing nappies, or ask her to put the nappy into the bin then make a big fuss when she did it. Took about 3 months of her seeming to hate me (and the baby) then one day she was fine.

She was also 19 months when DS came.

I have a 20 month and 4 month old so dd1 was a little younger but not by much. She had a short phase of rejecting me and that was heartbreaking so I feel for you. From the beginning I tried to get her to help out (getting wipes etc) and gave her loads of praise when she has shown any affection to dd2 even if it's a bit heavy handed. Someone told me this when I was getting rejected: he knows you unconditionally love him but is experiencing a change which has unsettled him, he cant express this by talking, and is taking his frustration/stress out on you (not the new baby). I think it made sense and helped me understand, though didn't make it less upsetting.
Can you put ds2 in a carrier/sling and then play with ds1? I sort of heaped a load of attention on my oldest, and still am to some extent, and think it has helped. It's getting a bit harder now though as dd2 wants my attention now she is awake and playing more.
Is your ds1 ok with the baby? Luckily my dd2 will tolerate quite a lot of poking and prodding and being squashed by her big sister and so although I try to keep the older one gentle, I'm not constantly telling her off. I got my dd1 a baby doll too and she likes changing its nappy etc. I am bf too but luckily dd2 is a relatively quick feeder. Lots of people said to have special toys for when you.are feeding but that hasn't really worked for us. I only get a couple of hours between feeds but try.when possible to give dd2 to DH to look after and then play with dd1 by myself or take her to the park for half an hour.
Not sure if any of these things might work for you but just sharing my experience. I'm sure it's just a phase and will resolve eventually but it doesn't make it any easier at the time saying so. Dd1 has also started tantrums recently which is no fun, might be that too. Hope you get some relief and nice time with your ds1 soon, hope some.of this helps x

Thanks guys. It helps to know not just me!

Golf- thanks for the suggestions. I do use a sling sometimes but it's not that practical for all things eg changing nappies. Ds1 is ok with the baby but too rough! You can't trust him that's for sure!

I do need to try to play more with ds1 on my own as I've realised that every time he sees me I have the baby so I need to change that.