When your kid's friend stays right across the road!

[voluptuagoodshag]

OK this is going to make me sound like a horrible old witch but it really has an impact on my wellbeing.

DS has a pal who stays right across the road (will call him Edgar). On the plus side he always has someone to play with and they come and go to each others houses like brothers almost. However whilst it's great for him, I feel like I live in a goldfish bowl and our family life is compromised.

This pal is always around. It feels like we cannot do anything without him knowing. DS has lots of pals however Edgar just has DS and I rarely see other pals around at his. So our lives feel smothered by him. If DS has other pals around, Edgar is there too but not always harmoniously as the dynamic changes. Even if I leave the curtains closed and main door shut the doorbell will ring at the usual time and Edgar appears. Often if DS and his sister are just watching a movie in the evening, Edgar is there too. If I've arranged to take kids somewhere I feel awkward if Edgar isn't invited - I do take him along with us but just don't want to every time. Edgar's parents often take DS to stuff as company for Edgar but Edgar only wants DS to go. For me, DS has lots of pals and I try to do the rounds and give them all a turn if going somewhere and he wants company. He is two years older than DS and am wondering why he doesn't have more pals his own age.

Any tips on how to de-concentrate Edgar so I don't feel like I have a third child?

How old are they? How does your DS feel about the friendship? If you need a break couldn't you breezily say, "Not today, Edgar. We're busy/having family time".

In the nicest way, it's a child. Just tell him.

"Sorry Edgar, ds is not coming to play today. Bye bye."

"Hi Edgar. No, we've got plans for today I'm afraid. Ds will see you tomorrow."

"Hello Edgar. Ds has one of his other friends over today. They're really busy. Do you think you could come back later?"

You need to be firm with him if you don't want him there all the time.

Do you mean he lives across the road??

Edgar is 13 and DS is 11. DS is quite happy to play (most of the time) so it's hard for me to send him packing when DS wants to hang out with him. Anytime DS doesn't want to then I'm more than happy to make excuses for him.

Yes 'lives' = 'stays' - Scottish thing :)

Ah, I assumed he was a small child. Sorry.

Just make it clear to ds that Edgar is not invited out with you if you're going somewhere unless it's a previously arranged activity for them.

You also need to explain to ds that you need time when Edgar's not there. And you all need family time without Edgar.

Have definite reasonable times when ds is allowed to go out (or for Edgar to call round) and when he has to come in without Edgar. "From the time I start making dinner, Edgar has to go home. That's our family time."

Dds best friend lives next door. I am completely comfortable telling her when she can and can't come in and when it's time for her to go home.
Her parents are the same with DD.
You just need to be firm

Firm with everyone I mean, DD often asks if X can come whenever we go anywhere - I just say no if I don't want her to

Off topic but edgar is such a eeeevil name

I do try to be firm but it's constant. Even when we return from somewhere, he's over like a shot before we've even gotten the key in the door.

I've just sent him packing whilst DS has some lunch. This is a good example, I'll say DS will be back over at such and such a time but Edgar will come over before this time to see if he's free yet.

Other times DS will be away somewhere and Edgar will ask when he's going to be back - I'll say late or I don't know exactly but will tell him you called and he will come round if there is time. Edgar will then come back at intermittent periods to see if DS is home yet. It drives me fecking mad as it always seems like I've just sat my arse down for a minute then I have to get up to answer the doorbell to relay the same fecking message I told him an hour ago. He doesn't seem too hot on social etiquette and it honestly feels like he treats this house just like his second home.

How well do you get on with his parents? Do you ever have a cuppa together where you could not so jokingly mention that their DS is not an extension of your family

You could put a sign on the door saying "Not today Edgar"

Disclaimer-my social etiquette isn't great though so this could be terrible advice.

I know them well enough and the mum has even jokingly said they are like brothers and she has also said just to kick him out if we get fed up with him so she is perfectly reasonable and lovely. She doesn't seem to mind them being around but I am one of those folks who like a bit of space so I'm the one with the problem really. Perhaps it's because Edgar seems to only have DS as a pal so she's relieved has someone to hang around with. If he had a few other pals to call on it wouldn't feel so smothering all the time. Or if he even lived a few doors down or a different street but his bedroom window faces directly onto DS's