I wasn’t sure where to put this but would appreciate all opinions / advice / anything really.
We’re expecting our first child in late September, and we’re both very excited and delighted about it. There was a long struggle with infertility beforehand, and this is genuinely the happiest we’ve ever been in our lives.
I am, however, a bit worried about how we’ll cope with the demands of a new baby, given DH’s fairly significant dyspraxia. I’m basically worried that all practical tasks will fall to me and that it’ll put a strain on our relationship, especially at first when I’m sleep deprived and constantly breastfeeding etc. His dyspraxia is undiagnosed (help for the condition seems limited to under 18s, so I’m not sure there’s much point seeking a diagnosis) – but he ticks all the boxes and then some.
Just a few examples:
We’ve lived in our current house for over three years, but he still struggles with basic, everyday things like operating the blinds and working the dishwasher, despite being shown hundreds of times. He frequently puts his clothes on inside out / back to front – getting dressed is actually a little bit stressful for him, though of course we both make light of it. These difficulties are clearly very frustrating for him and he gets cross with himself – it’s not a case of learned helplessness or wilful male incompetence.
Unfortunately, it’s hard not to get cross with him myself sometimes, because it’s frustrating for both of us. I have noticed myself become a bit of a nag, which doesn’t help at all, but it’s the result of most practical household tasks falling to me if they’re going to be done right. I’m usually understanding about it and encouraging, but I’m not 100% patient all the time.
Cooking is another problem area – I’m going to batch cook and freeze a lot of meals this month, because I can’t be eating bread and pasta every day once the baby is here. I can’t even depend on him to bring me toast after a sleepless night of feeding and nappy changing tbh – he can’t spread toast properly, just seems to completely lack the coordination to do it.
Despite these gripes, our relationship is strong and healthy and we work around it. But with a baby, I worry not only that he won’t be able to step up and look after me in those first weeks and months when the demands on my body etc will be so high, but obviously that he won’t cope with looking after the baby and doing the practical tasks involved.
- If he struggles to dress himself, how will he cope with nappies, dressing and washing baby? (Obviously at first we will learn and do these things together, but the likelihood is that only one of us will learn in a way that will actually stick).
- If he is oblivious to certain things going on around him, how will he keep baby safe in the home if I’m not there?
And what will it do to our relationship if I will feel I have to do absolutely everything, not just during the day while he’s at work but at all times – will resentment creep in?
The problems with closing the blinds / stacking the dishwasher are silly and annoying, but they don’t harm anybody. But his extreme forgetfulness / awkwardness is more worrying when applied to baby tasks: will he remember to lay baby down with feet to the base of the cot, so he can’t wriggle down and suffocate? Will he remember to run a bath cold tap first? Will he remember you can’t give a whole grape to an infant as they might choke on it? In three years, he still hasn’t remembered that the recycling won’t take plastic bags....
With a baby, there are a zillion little things that you just have to get right, for safety’s sake, but these are exactly the sort of little things that he struggles with so much. So I fear it’s going to be a case of me not being able to trust that he’s done it right, ever, without checking myself as he’s doing it. We don’t have family nearby, which makes it all the more important that we feel we can rely on each other.
This has felt quite brutal to write, so just for the sake of balance: he is a loving, nurturing, kind and lovely person, who will make a wonderful father in all the other important ways. He is funny and empathetic and has high emotional intelligence. He’s a senior academic, speaks several languages fluently, and is a gifted musician. He’s adorable, really 
Just very dyspraxic 