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Original poster

Shall we have another?

31 replies

notanewbie · 07/06/2004 15:22

Not sure if this is the right topic, but can't think where else to put it...

We have a dd and a ds, and I think that I want more. Probably only one, as I'm 38 already. I think dh would like another, but I'm not sure. He says he's worried how we would cope, financially and emotionally.

I don't even know how to discuss it with him. It doesn't seem to me that financial issues matter...we're not rich, but he has a decent job and earns tolerably well.

And emotionally I don't understand the emotional worry either. Surely you just love your children and each other, and that's all that matters?

Am I being just an instinctive female, or is there more to it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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NancyKominsky · 07/06/2004 15:34

Did you just sail through having your two? Or were there genuine emotional issues that you have now worked out...he may be afraid that something may rear its ugly head...pnd? no sex for ages? terrible sleepless nights? Do you cope brilliantly with your two?

I think if he is your dh has concerns you should take them on board. Maybe hes just not ready.

NancyKominsky · 07/06/2004 15:34

sorry should read, 'if your dh has concerns...'

dinosaur · 07/06/2004 15:34

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

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motherinferior · 07/06/2004 15:36

Oooh, you can get in a couple more if you want!

NancyKominsky · 07/06/2004 15:39

I think if you are in a family, 'just' loving each other isnt enough. There are other concerns. Money can be one of them sometimes. Although its true if children are wanted then you can usually rise above most stuff.

aloha · 07/06/2004 15:39

Why not just tell him you'd like another and ask him if he feels the same. Just because he has concerns about it doesn't mean he doesn't want one. It's just fairly normal and sensible IMO to think about money etc. You have to just talk to him. You say you 'think' your dh would like another so it sounds as if he isn't against the idea at all. You may be imagining he's thinking all sorts of things and getting upset about them when in fact he might be perfectly amenable. A simple conversation might well clear this up very happily for you.

aloha · 07/06/2004 15:40

BTW, don't assume that because he feels differently to you that he is wrong in any way. You can see things quite differently and both be 'right'. But just talk to him!

Original poster

notanewbie · 07/06/2004 15:42

We did have just about everything that you mention, NK, but now that the toughest times are over, it's difficult to remember how awful they were - a bit like labour pains!

TBH I feel a bit rushed, for one thing I can hear the tick of my biological clock getting louder and louder, for another nos 1 and 2 are just over 2 years apart and I would want the same sort of gap between nos 2 and 3 - so time is even more of the essence.

Of course I want to take his concerns on board, but he's a typical male and finds it incredibly difficult to articulate those concerns. I don't know how to respond to his worries.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 07/06/2004 15:44

Sorry, I was being unhelpful (FWIW I suspect I'll bite back my own urges to have any more); but honestly, you do have a bit of time to play with. I think, anyway.

Original poster

notanewbie · 07/06/2004 15:46

Aloha, what I think dh feels comes from what he has said during our most recent conversations about having more children. When we talk about this, we seem to get stuck in a rut and I don't know how to address his concerns.

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Original poster

notanewbie · 07/06/2004 15:47

motherinferior - sometimes I feel the same way! Sometimes I say that I would have 10 if I could - then reality bites me in the bum.

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jimmychoos · 07/06/2004 20:10

notanewbie - I am in exactly the same situation. I want to have another and my dp is putting the brakes on. We have resolved it by agreeing to wait for six months and see how we both feel. By then both our children will be older, ds will be at school etc. As you say, things get gradually easier with 2, as they get older they play together more and are more independent and I'm hoping that by Xmas he'll feel that we can manage three of them. TBH I think the finances thing is a red herring - if you both want to you'll prob be able to manage. The issue for us is more about time for the children and for each other, plus the logistics of three.

codswallop · 07/06/2004 20:11

yes yes yes three is loverly

nutcracker · 07/06/2004 20:17

I would love another, but wise Mners have told me to wait until i'm moved and settled and see how things are with dp (as we nearly split up not long ago).

Of course i wouldn't dare defy fellow Mners so i am going to have a rethink in a years time and see how i feel then.

Dp has said he's fine about having another.
I think he's now of the mind that we have 3 so a 4th wouldn't be much of a change. I know he's wrong but i'm not about to tell him,of course .

Original poster

notanewbie · 07/06/2004 21:29

I do wonder whether part of his lack of eagerness (I don't want to call it reluctance) could be that he suspects I won't be satisfied with three, but will want to go on to four. It's a possibility, but as I don't want to be an 'old' mum, unlikely - though if I was five years younger it would be more than a possibility!

What age gaps do you have, Jimmy and Coddy?

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Original poster

notanewbie · 07/06/2004 21:29

and you, Nutcracker?

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codswallop · 07/06/2004 21:33

2y and then 2 and a half

Slinky · 07/06/2004 21:40

Another "3 child family" here

Gaps between mine are 2yr 2 months and 22 months.

Original poster

notanewbie · 07/06/2004 21:58

What's lovely about having three?

I suppose I have to ask - and what's NOT?

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nutcracker · 07/06/2004 22:01

gaps between mine are 2yrs 1mth and 3 yrs.
Second gap was better IMO

aloha · 07/06/2004 22:02

Just talk to him! Don't beat around the bush. Tell him you'd love another child and hear out his concerns. If you have just talked about in the abstract all you will hear are his (perfectly understandable) worries. Tell him what you want and see what he says then. No point being in a tizz until you have done that. As for you thinking financial issues don't matter - well, they clearly do matter to him, so yes, they do matter to you as a couple, so why not talk about money and how you will manage? It's a sensible thing to do. Look at what the extra costs might be - not much if you are a SAHM and you don't opt for private education, tbh. If you work, talk about maternity leave and nursery costs etc. As for emotionally, well, there will be a bit less time for you as parents to spend on each individual child, but the children will give time to each other. As for you as a couple, children do tend to reduce the amount of time you have to talk to each other, go out with each other and have sex. So why not talk about that and how you plan to keep than connection going? I'm as guilty as anyone of 'I can read his mind' syndrome, where I assume I know what dh is thinking, and then act as if it is fact instead of speculation. But it really is speculation. I am very often wrong about what other people are thinking and the only way to find out is to talk.

aloha · 07/06/2004 22:02

And ask him if he is worried you will want more - talk!!!!

Aero · 07/06/2004 22:37

Another three here. What's good? I only have to look at ds2 (he's 20wks) and I get such a scrummy feeling. mmmmmmm. Ds1 and dd are 6 and almost 4, so quite a big gap betwen dd and ds2 and I prefer it that way. Couldn't have coped a year ago. They both really adore ds2 and are old enough to enjoy having a baby in the house. Dd took longer to come round though as she adores her big brother and felt a bit pushed out at times when he's cooing over baby! She's better now though.
What's bad? Serious lack of sleep. Constant tiredness and being open to all bugs due to being run down. Ds2 has suffered badly with colic so it hasn't been easy, but we're very aware that the baby period is such a short time really in the grand scheme of things and will pass quickly - before we know it, he'll be running around with the others!
Don't think I could cope with any more though and definately don't think I could squeeze another one out of dh even if I could!!!
Three is hard work, no doubt, but I'm lovin' it!

jimmychoos · 08/06/2004 19:19

dd is 20 months, ds is 4 and a bit. 2.5 years between them

jimmychoos · 08/06/2004 19:20

...so would be thinking of more like a 3 yr gap next time.....

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