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Original poster

would you just stop seeing this child (& mother?)

21 replies

charlieq · 27/01/2007 22:44

DS age 3.6 has another friend, slightly older, very hyper and can be very destructive, but DS loves him, perhaps because of this.... We have been friends with his parents since the boys were babies. Last weekend we saw them for a nice lunch and the boys played reasonably well together So we invited him over to play this w/e.

Anyway as soon as he arrives DS and he start running around screaming hysterically, so far (fairly) normal boy pack behaviour. With all Ds's other friends, they have been fine for months now to play upstairs unwatched so we let them go. We didn't hear a thing, no ominous thumps as we were having a chat and coffee with his mum. Then DH happens to go upstairs and then comes down white saying 'you have to see this'.

DS's bedroom had been totally stripped of its contents, including all the drawers in his cupboards, and they had ALL been strewn on the floor- every book from his shelves, every box of toys had been emptied on the floor, every item of clothing from his open wardrobe strewn around, all his bedding, etc. The place looked as if it had been thoroughly done over by vandals. The mess was about 1.5 feet thick in most places. DH, friend's mum and I had to spend 20 minutes tidying it up.

Anyway, DS seemed to get that what they had done was BAD, kept saying 'sorry', trying to help with clearing up. The friend totally didn't bother, kept giggling and throwing stuff around, refused to do anything his mother said, shouting 'NO YOU DO IT' at her, etc. She didn't really tell him off, it all seemed routine to her, he has a long history of this sort of behaviour in her house,which I've witnessed.. DS1 has never, ever done this before nor has it ever happened with any of his other playmates. The mum kept saying 'oh boys always do this don't they' and citing other boys who (WITH her ds at their houses, never actually alone) had done it.

Her ds is definitely a ringleader type- that doesn't 'excuse' my Ds's behaviour at all as he knows throwing stuff around is wrong, but I do just know he wouldn't initiate behaviour like that, whereas the friend has a long history of it. Looking back, whenever he's been at the house there has been some destructive incident or other (not as bad as this though) which has been blamed on the boys' joint naughtiness. DH strongly feels that we shouldn't have this boy to play again, & I don't feel you should have to watch 3yos every minute of their playtime and it seems my DS is just too easily led into total havocmaking behaviour by him. Then, the mother doesn't really discipline her DS at all and I end up feeling really annoyed with her because she's generalising about 'our' boys' dreadful behaviour when DS is never normally like that.
Then again, the mother is fundamentally a nice person. I don't want to freeze her out because of her kid. Would you have him back to play and just watch them both like a hawk??

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moondog · 27/01/2007 22:46

Have had exactly the same thing happen and no,the kid in question has not been invited back.
I see my friend when kid is not about (and she is lovely.)

Dinosaur · 27/01/2007 22:47

I think that at 3 they are both still really young. As you've all had a good relationship up to now, I'd go for the "have him back to play and just watch them like a hawk" option.

(Have three DSs, btw, aged 7, 5 and 2, so am familiar with the feeling of "shock and awe" that a little blizzard of boys can induce!)

Original poster

charlieq · 27/01/2007 22:48

it's just very hard to see this mum at all without her kid- he is the link between us. I suppose I have to just see it as (domestic) damage limitation...

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moondog · 27/01/2007 22:49

iwon't put up with kids wrecking the joint.
God,even my 21/2 year old wouldn't do this!

lady007pink · 27/01/2007 22:50

My work colleague had the exact same problem with her sister's child, and in the end solved it by not allowing them into her daughters' bedrooms. She had her own daughters warned never to go into his bedroom, either, when visiting.

Dinosaur · 27/01/2007 22:50

No, mine wouldn't either, but it seems a shame to write off the friendship completely...

Original poster

charlieq · 27/01/2007 22:53

I think I'm with you in my heart moondog though I feel bad about it.

Yes they are little but so are all of Ds's other friends- & I've had entire parties of children here not do so much damage...(except that whenever that particular friend has come to parties, however, he is always found (by other parents, not his own) pulling down curtains, pouring drinks on the floor, etc...he IS nearly 4, too)

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lady007pink · 27/01/2007 22:53

Sorry, my last reply didn't really make sense. just basically she got her daughter's to lock their bedrooms when her nephew would visit, and warned her daughters not to go near his bedroom when visiting his house

moondog · 27/01/2007 22:56

Don't feel baD ABOUT IT.
I don't.
This kid was also a bully.
I found her creeping up on my dd from behind and smashing her over the head with a plastic spade.
I still feel so guilty for having exposed her to this.

moondog · 27/01/2007 22:56

Lady,that is a good tactic.Our stairgate gets closed when we have wild kids over.

Lilymaid · 27/01/2007 23:03

No don't invite him back. That child is setting a bad example for your DS and if you continue to invite him, your DS will believe you approve. Let the relationship go. If it continues someone will get injured.

harpsichordcarrier · 27/01/2007 23:03

I would only meet her in public places for a while tbh. or at her house. and see how it goes

Tommy · 27/01/2007 23:04

that sort of trashing of the room sems to take place every time DS1 has a friend over - whoever it is. He doesn't do it on his own or when it's just him and DS2.

Last week he had 2 friedns over (twins) and it was really bad so he's banned from taking friends up there now.

Don't know why he does it but it is very annoying

Original poster

charlieq · 27/01/2007 23:07

yes lilymaid the approval thing is important.

As you say moondog this kid is also quite violent, lots of random hitting of DS with things (while giggling), but DS still LOVES him & is always asking to see him. It must be because his presence just encourages havoc and that is so enticing.

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Dinosaur · 27/01/2007 23:08

What happens when you go over to their house, charlieq? Is DS's friend as manic there?

hatwoman · 27/01/2007 23:26

I wouldn't worry that much about this tbh - my dds - with male friends visiting - once did something vaguely similar but not quite so bad and I know how hideous it feels/looks - but at least the mum helped you clear up. the kid was reluctant to help and rude to his mum - but I'd shrug that off as not my problem. next time I'd establish a clear and immediate consequence - for both of them - to making the same mess again. I'd say it very loudly and clearly so the mum heard too and hopefully got the hint. And if they played nicely I'd have a treat up my sleeve. if they did the same again (or similar) then I'd feel inclined to make future meetings on neutral ground

Original poster

charlieq · 27/01/2007 23:39

Dinosaur he is as manic but not generally as destructive. It's as if at other's houses a) he knows his mum's not looking becuase she's chatting, so he can really run riot b) there are more interesting things to destroy.

When we last went round there they had ALL the sofa cushions & a duvet strewn on the living room floor and were jumping on them- DS knows he's not allowed to do that at home but I could hardly ban it as friend's mum was allowing it- who knows maybe I should have ordered DS out of the room? but then you're explicitly criticising someone's parenting in their own house, so I felt too awkward about it.

He's just known to be manic- she can't get any of our mutual friends to look after him usually,even when she's desperate, because they just feel they can't control him, but she seems blissfully unaware of this - she will always blame other kids equally, and never really tells him off. At social gatherings she always totally ignores her 2 kids as they run riot and other parents always end up having to discipline them. But as I said, as a person she is really nice in other ways.

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sandyballs · 28/01/2007 11:21

We have this problem with a couple of my DDs friends, and it always takes ages to sort everything out again. I've decided to wait until the summer before inviting them again so they can go out in the garden, or else suggest a soft play outing. Can't face them in my house . My two DDs never do this on their own, but they are more than willing to join in the trashing when these friends are over.

sandyballs · 28/01/2007 11:23

Meant to add, I do find it amazing how some mums just sit and chat to you whilst their kids run riot in your home, I just couldn't do that. I don't expect them to sit quietly in the corner with a book but then again they can't treat the house like it's a playground and leap over everything, drives me nuts. I'd be very embarrassed if my two did that in someone's home.

jabberwocky · 28/01/2007 11:27

We have this siutation with a good friend of mine. It got verrry sticky for a while as I cut off play dates altogether. friend was very about it. Now that he's older it's a little better but I try to have them play together mainly when they can be outside.

Or at her house

adath · 28/01/2007 14:32

I had a similar situation with someone I met at baby massage when DD was tiny. this little boy was very distructive, hit, pushed and nipped DD and his mother never ever did anything about it as she thought he was too young to understand but the thing was I used to look after him once a week and when his mother was not there he was fantastic but changed literally the second she came back. It all came to a head on day when I had to say that this couldn't go on, I was forever putting dd's things away before they came because he would not let dd play with her own toys so would start hitting etc.
She was very about it and I did try my best to handle it as delicately as i could but we were never friends again after that.

I had tried for so long to battle with my own thoughts before I actually said something and really used to dread them coming because I knew what it would be like. She offered to look after DD for me a few times and I just could not put DD there to go through that.

In the end I had to weigh up whether what dd and i were going through was as big as my friendship with this person and in the end I decided that I had to risk the friendship as it was not fair on DD to be treated like that and the stress I went tthrough every time was not worth it.

I lost a friend because of it but in the end I know it was for the best especially as I still see them around town and the little boy is still the same and his mother has still no control and I know that now he is bigger and stronger the hitting and stuff will only have been much worse.

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