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Parenting

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Original poster

can you smother a child with love and praise??

9 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 27/01/2007 22:21

This might sound odd but can you? I hug and kiss dd NUMEROUS times throughout the day, I tell her I love her 20+ times a day, tell her shes so, so good, so special, so lovely, so beautiful over and over again... the reasons are obvious - like all of us, because I adore her and can't help myself and because she is all of the above!! but also because im a believer of the opinion that if you tell a child (or an adult for that matter) over and over again that they are bad, they will become just that.. so thinking if I tell her how lovely and kind she is, it will contribute to her staying this way...

Anyway, the reason I ask is dp said to me once that if I continue to "over-do" it im going to make her a "cocky", self- obsessed adult and one of these people with a huge opinion of herself!!

Are'nt the above class of people really and truely just very insecure people that need to build themselves up?

Just wondering your general opinions/ feelings on this

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sleepycat · 27/01/2007 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

evamum · 27/01/2007 22:31

Bullshit! (to your DP's idea)
I grew up with 2 parents (!) one of whom told me she loved me and I was wonderful and beautiful etc etc, and the other who would constantly call me stupid, fat, ugly, ignorant, lazy.....

I have suffered a lot from what my father said and don't speak to him anymore, but I love my mum with all my heart.

IMO you can ruin a child with negative criticism, but the opposite is not true.

The only time I would think it would become a problem is if you keep telling her this even when she has been bad or naughty and don';t punish her, but, if she is being lovely and gorgeous then no harm done!

BernieBear · 27/01/2007 22:33

I do the same with my ds, but on visiting some elderly relatives a fortnight ago, was told that I ought not to because he would become to "cocky" etc!

The way I look at it is that at some point life is going to serve some "knocks" to every individual, sadly that includes our dcs, however if they have the self confidence and the belief that they are special and good and amazing etc etc etc, they will have all the tools to overcome lifes little knocks. Let them enjoy their childhood and belief that they are indeed amazingly special.

I'm with you Barbie! You sound amazing x

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Skribble · 27/01/2007 22:35

Big difference between spoiling and loving, spolit children become cocky brats, loved children feel secure and are able to pass that love on.

carolcoles · 27/01/2007 22:36

I think that as long as you don't "spoil" your child, as in let them get away with murder and never teach them about appropriate behaviour, you can never praise your child too much or tell them how much they are loved.
Would you rather be told how loved you are more or less?

shimmy21 · 27/01/2007 22:46

agree you can't love a child too much (or tell them they are loved enough) - but praise is different. There have been some studies that have found that parents who constantly praise their kids for things which are actually just 'normal' can have the effect of making the praise meaningless. it's better to give real honest praise where its actually due. Another study found that it's better to praise a child for their effort than for their results (e.g. better to say you tried reslly hard in that race than to say you are a really fast runner).

Original poster

BarbieLovesKen · 27/01/2007 22:52

Oh thank you girls!! you know how it is!.... always hoping im doing the right thing by her!! - thanks berniebear - your very sweet
dont get me wrong, dp is really, really affectionate towards her too - always tells her shes his best girl but just not as much as I would (prob a man thing)
evamum, sorry to hear this happened to you. God, it sounds awful - but I suppose you were blessed with your mam!.

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Original poster

BarbieLovesKen · 27/01/2007 22:56

shimmy21, sorry crossed posts.. thats really interesting.. so, by making the praise meaningless is this supposed to cause hassle in regard to discipline (because if praise is meaningless why bother being good?)

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Martha200 · 28/01/2007 08:27

Agree with there is a difference between a loved child and a loved and spoilt child.

We talk a lot about why we love each other and what makes different people special, and I am a little careful with my words because we plan a number two, and I've seen how hard it can be for some children who have been made to be the universe of a parents world to then have a sibling and the parents forget the things they have said before the baby came along and elder child is somewhat confused as they thought they were the only one who mattered.

So no, don't think you can overdo it

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