Toddler and newborn- will the nightmare ever end?

[Chattycat78]

Hi all,

Just that really. I have a 19 month old and a 7 week old. The 19 month old is really active and demanding. When I'm trying to feed the baby he bites and kicks me and I find myself fending him off. He needs constant attention- won't entertain himself, and starts to get really naughty as soon as he's bored.

The baby has really bad wind (maybe even reflux- got some gaviscon to try) and cries constantly if he's put down- which he onviously is a lot because I have to entertain the toddler! He will only sleep in the sling, which works part of the time but not all of it as there are things I need to do which are not easy or impossible to do with a sling attached to you. Cue me taking the baby out of the sling and putting him down and having to just hear him scream while I tend to the toddler.

Every day is mega hard and there is no free time- I can barely shower or get anything done. Nights are also hard- sometimes only a few hours sleep, up with the baby feeding several times and then the toddler gets up at 6am. The toddler also has a cold so he was crying through the night too. So am exhausted too.

Sorry to moan but I'm really not enjoying this - is this how things will be for a longtime now? The breastfeeding also means that the closest I'm going to get to a "break" for at least 6 months is going to be not having to look after the toddler but still having to look after the baby.

Someone throw me some hope that I'll have a life again and will at some stage enjoy this....?!

Oh ps- I really need a drink But of course breastfeeding means a guilt trip if I do drink anything.....

You poor thing. Yes of course it gets easier, it's early days at the moment. I remember feeling the same, it's all so relentless and bloody tiring.
The baby will get into more of a routine and hopefully your toddler will get more used to having a baby in the house, he probably feels like his world has turned upside down and maybe a bit jealous. Sometimes it works if you ask the toddler to choose a book that you can read to them when feeding or involve them with 'helping' a bit e.g. fetching a nappy or blanket. I appreciate that won't always work!
With reflux, it can help to leave the baby to sleep in a more upright position, bouncy chair with a rolled up blanket to support their head or car seat?
Before you know it, they'll be playing together and you'll realise it's all been worthwhile.
If it helps, you are allowed one glass of wine when bfing.

It's hard. And will continue to be hard for a while. But when you can get a routine in (even a tiny bit of pattern to the day) it becomes easier. When I could get the baby to nap around the same time as the toddler after lunch then you might get a short bit of time to yourself.

Forgot to add, yes to a glass of wine :)

Yes, it does get easier. I had 2 inside 11 months and spent much of the first year in tears feeling like I was failing everyone and just generally being crap at everything. Not much advice other than don't be too hard on yourself, you're doing just fine and yes, it will get easier. Xxx

At six months it gets a LOT easier as the baby can sit on their own and eat food etc. Then they learn to crawl and you're chasing two children in opposite directions and you might as well give up. But the newborn bit is the worst. I would say you're in the worst week now. Every week from now on it'll get a bit easier.

It definitely gets easier. I had an 18 month gap between DS 1 and 2 and it was hard at first but it got better.

I only have one so can't help much but you can absolutely drink guilt free while breastfeeding!

Thanks everyone! It does help to get it out! Am off to crack open the wine....!

You can have a couple of glasses and still bf!

I my dd1 was 18m when dd2 was born. They are now 2yrs and 6/7 months and it's getting a bit easier. Introducing solids at 6 months helped as did her magically-amazingly-never-thought-it-would-happen-for-months sleeping through.

And when she started sitting up and being robust I could relax and not think dd1 was going to kill her at any given moment.

I'm now dreading them both being mobile at the same time and me having to split myself in two directions!

I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 5 week old. I saw a suggestion of putting together a special box of toys/books etc for the toddler that you only get out at times that you're breastfeeding. Also, have you got a swing or bouncy chair where you can put the baby while you deal with the toddler? Do the bare minimum housework you have to to get by and try to make food for the following day the evening before (sandwiches etc) when you have a bit more freedom. Apparently with alcohol if you drink but you're still competent to look after a child then the alcohol in breastmilk is negligible. The only problem is if you're co-sleeping.

I can't say it will get better but I bloody hope so!

Dear god, yes of course you need wine. It is the only way to make it through this stage.

I have a 2yo and a 4.5 mo. You are at the Peak of the awfulness now. It got better for me at 2 months and was actually enjoyable at times by 3 months. I still have days when I just want to leave them both to it and start a new life in Australia, but mostly it's OK .

Also, it's fine to let baby cry a bit while you're sorting out the toddler. And sometimes the toddler has to throw a tantrum wait while you see to the baby. You can only do one thing at a time.

Is your dp/Dh able to take on more of the toddler care so you can catch up on sleep?

Ds1 was 12 months old (almost exactly) when ds2 was born.

It was incredibly hard to begin with but got easier and by the time they were 2 and 3 it was a breeze to be honest.

They are now 10 and 11 and fabulous. Great mates, great fun and a total blast.

It will be worth it. I promise.

In the meantime

Defo drink some wine.

I have a 2.2yo and a 10wo. Things I have found that help are:

Cosleeping with baby and toddler. To make this safe I dismantled bed frame so we just have a mattress on the floor and wedged a spare cot mattress against it for toddler. They both feel loved all night and consequently they both sleep better.

Doing as much as possible with baby in sling. I have just about managed bf in a ring sling so feel like I'm winning.

Having a stash of breastfeeding activities to do with toddler. Books, stickers, crayons cebeebies

Vibrating chair/playmat/swing etc in all areas of the house so baby can be put down/entertained whenever toddler melts down needs you.

Shared routine. Up and dressed together, nappies changed together, bath together, pjs/stories together.

Not overthinking stuff. Just roll with it and find out what works.

Some of this will work for you and some won't as every baby/toddler/family is different but hope there's something helpful in there.

It does get better. I had 19 months between my 2 and I now have a third and when people say how is it having 3, I often reply easier than having the first 2 close together.
They are now 7,5 and 2 and it's very very hard still but I'm more confident I suppose. When I look back on the time my oldest 2 were little it really was a blur, it was unrelenting. Still is but as I say I'm prob more confident.., most of the time.
All I will say is do anything you can to make your life easier for yourself on any way because if you look after yourself it will help you have energy for the kids. Take all the help you can and ran sleep when you can. It will have fun moments. It will get easier.

Thanks everyone! It helps to know it's not just me and that I'm (hopefully) not just really crap at this parenting lark...😳

Yes it does get easier. It's still bloody hard work though but I remember the biting when feeding being a particular low point.
The toddler will be missing you and feeling pushed out but won't have words to express it. I managed to stop the biting by feeding near the toddler, on the floor if necessary and also reading him a story. I think when I went into a chair to feed he felt the distance if that makes sense?

Now mine are 9 months and 22 and it's a lot easier. Meals at same time. Bath and bed at same time etc. So a lot more manageable. Both find each other funny now with splashing each other or making funny noises etc.
So once the baby is sitting and eating and less of a baby I think you'll turn a corner.

And the relationship will melt your heart I promise!