Are men all a**holes or is it just my dh????

[staceym11]

Right, is it completely stupid of me to expect to be able to ask my dh to clean and sterilise ds's bottles for me?

well i did this yesterday and he said 'no', well for my dh that is quite common but hes usually joking, so we had a bit of 'you do it' 'no, you do it' malarky when i realised that he wasnt going to do it. At some point he made a stupid comment about it being a shame we can't get a divorce (only been married since Aug) so i dissolved into tears. Eventually calmed down and asked for a cuddle to which i got the most cold sholdered cuddle i can remember, so i went and did the bottles. by the time i got to be he was asleep.

this morning he says goodbye fine, comes back from work fine and then says 'we'r not gunna play the gamecube tonight, coz you get in a stress' (what we were doing before i asked him to do the bottles!) i then explain that no its not about that but i ask you to do summit and you can say 'no i dont feel like it' yet when i dont feel like it i still have to do it coz our child needs clean bottles and im not gunna let him go hungry coz there isnt a bottle clean....whereas he doesnt care coz he's not the one up in the night doing them if they get left coz he dont even hear him when he cries!

So am i so unreasonable asking him to do something, or is he justified in buggering off?

stacy - in answer to your original question - all men are arseholes. No more to add. I'm too at your dh on your behalf.

It's a petty argument got out of hand. I have a feeling there are underlying issues here.

Rather than get into a squabble you need to sit down and talk to him. And in turn you need to LISTEN, as does he. I am presuming it is your first child so you are both struggling with change and for men it can actually be harder than women to accept that change. After all we had 9 months to get used to the idea, but for men it doesn't affect them until the baby is presented to them and it does come as a bit of a shock. Don't forget that he doesn't have this close circle of mothering friends to talk to, he only has his mates who probably don't want to hear about the new baby.

So listen to him, he's more likely to return the favour that way. Put all petty aggrievances to one side and focus on the bigger picture.

don't let him treat you like that. when he next asks 'whats for dinner' say 'dunno, you do it'

I'm with cruisemum - they are all arseholes

Yes but that goes without saying!

No, they arent. But yours certainly sounds like one!

He is in fact, an arse. Try not washing all his socks and undies. Then when he asks for them, say you don't wear them so you don't care.

I am a H (and a sometimes DH.) He sounds like he needs a reality check.

I sterilise bottles, change nappies, do bathtime and try to do nearly everything at weekends (because I want to). My S will be 15, painting his room black and saying,'I hate you, I wish I'd never been born' before I know it so I figure I should make hay while the sun shines!

You need to share the load. I work and my DW gave up her job. They're both hard careers - give him DS for the weekend so he gets a bit of perspective. He'll never moan about sterilising bottles again!

Unfortunately some men with partners who stay at home get in the mindset of "I work, that's my contribution" which of course is not enough. Not only should they want to be involved in looking after their children, they should know how to do practical, everyday tasks so that they can look after their children should the need arise.

I have no doubt that my DH does not have the first clue how to operate the steraliser. But he does bath our daughter when he is home in time, and he feeds her, gets her dressed, changes nappies etc. The more mundane tasks (steralising, washing clothes, changing the sheets) are down to me. I don't think it is really a fair division of labour, but his jobs mean he spends time with her when he is home, which is very important. What I'm getting at is this: does your partner have a problem with doing anything domestic (in which case you need to have a chat about sharing responsibilities (maybe his mum did everything in the house and he just expects you to as well), or do you think that it is just "baby related" things which he won't do, in which case maybe you could come up with some jobs that he would enjoy doing (baths being the first thing that springs to mind).

Rhubarb is right that it takes some men longer to adapt to being parents. There's no excuse really, but having a baby is an adjustment for anyone. For someone predisposed to hating change (as many men are - sorry for the generalisation, Mr Shev!) it may take a little longer.

And he is an arse for mentioning divorce, even in such a flippant way.

I'm sure you'll be far to tired to even dream of having you-know-what next time he's interested? Washing those bottles can really take it out of a girl.

When our toddler was nearly 2 DH offered to look after her for a few hours whilst I went out for a few hours. I was over the moon and enjoyed my few hours freedom right up to the point when I came home.

DH was beside himself. He'd been trying to do some jobs and all our dd did was winge and whine and create (welcome to my world ). Actually, to be fair, this was out of character for our dd and so I cuddled her in and read a book to her and she was fine.

Then I had to go into town to pick up some meat from the butcher and offered to take her with me but as she had calmed down by then dh said that she could stay with him so I could get there and back faster. So of I toddled again.

When I got back, he complained that the moment I'd walked out the door she'd started again. At that point dd saw me and ran up to me asking for 'bread' (I had a fresh loaf from the bakers under my arm).

The light began to dawn and with my heart sinking I asked him what he'd given her for lunch!

"Lunch?" was his puzzled reply, "She didn't ask for any lunch".
"She's 2!!!!!!" I said through clenched teeth, "2 year olds don't ask for food, they expect it to appear, as if by magic, at certain times throughout the day!"

She had been without food or snacks since 9.30 and it was now 4.15!!!! Needless to say, she immediately polished off half the loaf of bread, some cucumber and 6 cherry tomatoes AND then her tea an hour later.

Now when he tries to say that his day is harder than mine and I don't have a difficult job, I just remind him about all the things I do without forgetting, like feeding our children, NOT leaving them alone with pens/crayons/pencils (the newly painted kitchen walls looked beautiful ), changing nappies BEFORE they reach the ankles etc.

When I was expecting dd3, I left a step by step guide to looking after dd2, just incase our teenager was at school(she's pretty good at remembering the important basics) when I went into hospital ..... he wasn't impressed

Reetnproper- that makes me laugh! I did a step-by-step guide for my mother who was babysitting a couple of months ago and my DH still sneaks looks at it now!
I did say to him the other day that I want him to learn how to look after our daughter because if something happened to me, I would want her to be fed and to have some continuity. He thinks it is a bit of an extreme thing to worry about, but has promised to learn!!

lunch,
that is so familiar.
i never forget dh looking after mine and i came in and as soon as dd about 1 saw me, it was "i'm hungary". Didnt ask their dad though...only when they saw me

freudian slip, dh looking after mine, dh actually looking after ours

acctually rhubarb this is our 2nd baby!! which is what makes me so as he never seemed to have much problem helping with the first, or maybe its coz im so much more tired now iv got 2 i ask him to do a bit more?!?! i dotn know

we did sit and have a chat after he walked out for an hour. he said he was being selfish and he understood that even when im tired, i still get up, i still wash, feed and dress the kids and play with them when they need playing with, and punish them (well mainly dd, terrible twos is great!) when they need to be punished, even if i really dont have the energy!! so, battle won that time i think, we'll really see tonight tho when i ask him to do something else i suppose.

He's quite good with dd, but ds hes not great with as hes quite clingy to me anyway and dh says 'i dont know what he wants, he cant tell me'

Plibble i am with you on the fact they dont seem to know how hard it is, yet when i do leave him alone (havnt yet done with both, but have done with dd) he says its really hard and doesnt understand how i dotn strangle her (neither do i sometimes!!) so he seems to understand and be kind and considerate for a while, and then revert to 'i'v had a hard day sitting at a desk typing', and doesnt listen to 'well iv had a hard day, changing sh*tty nappies, cleaning up baby sick, stopping dd drawing on the walls, keeping her away from the plug sockets, feeding (which turns into a great display of food splattered across the floor), ironing, hoovering and tidying the childs pit of a bedroom as she coems along behind me pulling it all back out again!'

hmmmmmm........anyone else fancy a week away leaving the men at home, let me see him cope!

oh and bandstand, daddy couldnt possibly feed them, he'd get it wrong, even they know that at such a tender age! lol

my dh dared to put a marmite sandwich in front of dd without cucumber in it, and couldnt understand why she had a tantrum (everything has to have cucumber)!!!

What is it with men and second children? My dh was great with dd and still is but has not been as hands on with ds till recently when he has strted walking and trying to communicate a bit iyswim.

think your right, it is the second,third.. etc., child syndrome

i think they must get so used to a child that can communicate better they dont feel like going back to trying to detyermine what 'that' cry means, too much effort obviously!!!