My dh reckons it's all my fault

[utterlyconfused]

I have a very difficult ds2. It comes and goes but has been going on for ages. We have been referred by our gp and things are happening but I am still struggling to cope and at the moment hate being with him and really struggle to like him.
Yesterday my dh told me that my shouting was what made him bad. He was home early, and doing something elsewhere in the house ds1 and dd were going at each other at tea time and wouldn't just shut up and eat (in fact ds1 was finishing his homework and taking an eternity) and after several times of asking them to stop it and get on, I thumped the table and shouted. Of course dh was too far away to know what was going on but heard the shouting.
He makes me so angry. I need some support with my ds2 but dh (and I struggle with the "d" there) thinks it's all my fault.
Sometimes I just want to pack my bags and leave. Alone.

I'm rushing off but just wanted to say it's obviously not your fault - you are doing your best in a difficult situation.

How unsupportive
But sometimes when things get bad people just lash out and look for someone to blame.
He probably doesn't honestly believe you are to blame.
Have you discussed his attitude with him?

poor you. i know from my own exp that shouting makes their behaviour worse, but when you are at the end of your tether, its hard to be positive. i def think that 'positive parenting' strategies help, but its such a bloody effort! the last thing you need is dh criticising you. i gather that there is a fab book called ' how to talk so that children will listen....'- or something similar. i may invest in a copy myself. your ds is probably bloody hard work, and i'm sure you do a good job. i do always find that when i get angry, it rarely helps. i sometimes promise myself that i wont shout for a whole day. it sometimes works!

sorry- no actual advice. just wanted to reply.

He doesn't do discussing. It just turns into more blaming. He actually said "I know you're going to jump down my throat, but" before he told me that was my problem. So no matter how calmly and rationally I talk to him he then says "I knew you'd react like that".

Sometimes, ds2 pushes me so hard all day, and I literally physically bite my tongue to stop myself from shouting at him. And I succeed. But when the others come home and start pushing me too I just flip because I just want them to give me a break.

I don't think you are bad for shouting, if you are then alot of us are bad parents. In an ideal world we would all like to be able to take a step back and discipline in a certain way but in the light of day it doesn't always work like that and sometimes shouting is the only thing that works. I was reading a Tesco magazine this week and a lady who was having problems with her son was advised to write down scenarios of bad behaviour and to write down how she would deal with them so that she had a plan of action and felt more in control of the situation which is something I might try. Sorry your dh is unsupportive. When people say the wrong things it makes things so much worse than if they could just give you a hug and say things will be alright. Hope things get better for you.

Maybe your "D"H could take them by himself for a day (a normal, getting homework done and finding something to feed them day, not a "special day with Daddy"!) and then tell you, honestly, if he managed to do it without shouting - and if so, how?! I know my DH can do the "special Daddy day" thing, but he always wriggles out of trying a day when things other than having fun happen - so if you get yours to do it, do let me know how - I have so been there!

Noonar - How to talk so that children will listen is a fabulous book. I got it from the library - but beware. I tried to buy it from Amazon and found that I got another book with exactly the same title, which wasn't nearly as good! The good one is written by the same people who wrote the book on Sibling Rivalry - which is also fabulous.

Must go and get it out again, so that I can stop shouting too!