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Parenting

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Original poster

Is it just my husband ??

55 replies

mummylove2monsters · 10/07/2016 12:19

Ok I know toddlers can regress a bit when a new baby arrives but has anyone's husband ?
We've just had baby no 4 she is 7 nearly 8 weeks old now - each time my husband goes through this childish, moody attention seeking thing -
This time ( following a bleed on my brain ) I had an emergency section - my husband has been ridiculous- he's moody , won't even make the bed behind himself, empty his bath water , putt Tea bag in the bin etc he is angry I havnt made time for sex
Last night at dinner my 2 yr old started crying / husband threw his fork down , got changed and took himself out for dinner - we havnt spoken since !! He said the house is too disorganised ( he does nothing to help)
I got myself driving after 2 weeks because he gave the kids the day off because he couldn't get up for the school run
I'm doing all the cooking/ cleaning and I don't mind but ffs - what is his problem - is it an attention thing - is he like a toddler ?? Anyone else had this problem with an overgrown baby ??

OP posts:

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skankingpiglet · 10/07/2016 14:32

To answer the title of your post: I'm sure it's not just your husband. That doesn't mean it is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour and if my DH had behaved like that when DD1 was born he'd have been told to grow up or shift out. I'm amazed you've put up with it through 4 babies...

To put his attitude into perspective, I had DD2 2 1/2weeks ago. It ended in an emergency CS under GA and was pretty traumatic for both me and DH TBH. DH has been fantastic. He's stayed up with the baby to let me get a head start on some sleep (bf so can't share the nights), picked up most of the work with DD1 when he's home, done a fair bit of cooking/got takeaways in (I enjoy cooking so have done a bit for a 'break'), picked up all the slack in the housework, and spent hours burping and cuddling the baby amongst other a myriad of other little jobs. I'm very grateful, but equally don't expect any less from him: The children are his too and I'm recovering from surgery. We're a team, and as such not only need to pull our weight, but also pick up any slack if the other team member is unable to do 'their' chores.

foolonthehill · 10/07/2016 17:56

well, here is a little story for you...do with it what you will......

having had my 4th baby in 5 years I happened across mumsnet, where I posted for some support around a dog we had adopted. In the course of some (excellent) advice about the dog i mentioned my family situation and a wise MNer suggested that my marriage did not sound all that good and I might make good use of the relationships board....
Much to my surprise I discovered some home truths... I did n't like them very much but they made sense...somehow I had dismissed his behaviour (including violence) and made excuses and blamed myself.
I suggest you have a look at the sticky at the top of the relationships bar and possibly www.liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse.

knowledge is a good thing...either you will or won't recognise what is there.

Mycatsabastard · 10/07/2016 18:01

No they aren't all like your husband. However my ex was very much like him and that's why he's an ex. He was selfish, lazy and wouldn't life a finger even after I had a c-section. I ended up back in hospital a few days after I got home as he wouldn't lift the pram up two flights of stairs to the flat so I had to (or it would have been stolen). My wound opened up. Nice.

I think with all the other stuff that went on I'd just had enough. I lasted another few months and then threw him out. He was useless and moody.

Interested in this thread?

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0-3 months old 2 year olds 7 year olds Babies & sleep

OooLookShoes · 10/07/2016 18:05

It is no laughing matter

What the fuck does he bring to this? Would you allow a housemate or lodger to treat to so badly?

Time to wake up...

JinkxMonsoon · 10/07/2016 18:07

You had a brain haemorrhage followed by an emergency section, are caring for a newborn and three others, and he's pissed off because he wants SEX?

Yet another selfish inconsiderate prick who needs to grow up, have a wank and pull his weight around the house.

headinhands · 10/07/2016 19:01

Grown up men don't do this. Immature men maybe. But it sounds like you've got a much bigger problem than 'oh isn't he silly'.

Gillian1980 · 10/07/2016 22:21

Sounds like you've had a really difficult time and your DH has been no support at all. He is not behaving in a normal manner at all.

My DH was very honest when our DD was born and said he was struggling a bit with how much things had changed - I was entirely focused on DD and basically paying him no attention at all. He wasn't in any way mean to me or critical of the situation, he knew that it was all normal for a new mum,but he was just communicating his feelings with me in an honest and open fashion.

If he is finding the changes in dynamics difficult that is fair enough (though if you've already got several kids you'd think he's get used to it!). But dealing with it like that and treating you the way he does is not on at all.

WellErrr · 10/07/2016 22:23

No, this is not a normal way for men to behave. Or anyone.

In fact, it's a fucking disgusting way to behave and he should be ashamed.

corythatwas · 10/07/2016 23:06

No, MEN don't go like this. Toddlers do.

come2chat · 11/07/2016 02:51

Agree with everyone, most men are not like this and he is definitely not the norm. I have one and my DH does a LOT with our kid, omg i can't imagine what it's really like with 4 with no support from DH.
Give him a kick in the a$$ and a stern talking to. If he behaves like a child, you can only treat him like a child.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 11/07/2016 03:01

If he can work out how to father 4 kids, he can work out how to look after them. I'd be quite vocal about this...

Original poster

mummylove2monsters · 11/07/2016 07:21

Thankyou ladies - it's not till I look at it in black and white that I see it for what it is !! I think when it's all happening I get vacuumed into coping and not dealing with it . - I geuss he thinks that he's the one who works because he brings the money in ( he's self employed so works to suit )
He doesn't see what I do as work . I will try and lay it out to him but not entirely confident he will listen - he really does seem to believe that he is really very much more important than anyone 🙄

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 11/07/2016 12:29

yes he does "believe he is much more important than any one" sadly this belief is very very hard to get past...

when you lay it out to him will he listen, understand and do more or will he become the victim...saying you don't understand how hard it is for him and being upset leaving you comforting him instead of sorting out the issue?

Original poster

mummylove2monsters · 11/07/2016 15:56

My geuss is he will blame me and say I contribute nothing and all the pressure is on him to bring in money ( I only do all the paperwork we are a family business ) .
Then hel say how he'd love to sit on his arse with the kids all day 😂😂

OP posts:

Roastednutflash · 11/07/2016 15:59

You seem to find this funnier than I do...

knittingbee · 11/07/2016 20:23

Echo everyone else. No it is not bloody normal HUMAN behaviour, sod the bit about whether it's normal for a husband. If you went to visit a friend or even a total stranger in your position, most people would offer to help. He sounds like a bloody dreadful partner and a shocking role model for your children.

My DH is a selfish prick in many ways, but when I had planned sections, he took extra time off work on top of paternity so he could look after me and change nappies after I had our children.

Dixiechick17 · 11/07/2016 20:49

Ok just to play devil's advocate, men can suffer from post natal depression too, which can cause change in behaviour.

www.nct.org.uk/parenting/postnatal-depression-dads

buckingfrolicks · 11/07/2016 20:58

Oh my god why do women put up with these selfish, shitty, lazy, useless men? he is behaving vilely. You're a mug if you stick with him. He's an abusive shit. Incredible that you can't see this. Get yourself some therapy because you're self esteem is way off. Sorry.

foolonthehill · 11/07/2016 21:03

Yes men can suffer from depression but when they are depressed they show symptoms of depression not inconsiderate selfish behaviour.

If he is depressed then he needs to takeresponsibility and find treatment, even depressed people can be considerate and loving to their family,even depressed people can understand that a brain haemorrhage is a serious thing and not expect their DW to carry on regardless.

I'd love to suggest that you leave him to sit on his arse with the kids all day...but I know that's not going to give him a wake up call...so do you.

What do you think is going on in your marriage?

foolonthehill · 11/07/2016 21:13

Here are some :symptoms to look outfor

You modify your behaviour, your speech and your plans to keep him happy but no matter how much you walk on eggshells there's always a problem and it's always with you
Arguments escalate quickly and are seldom or never resolved, if you bring up a problem somehow the discussion turns round to your partner and how unhappy they are and away from the issue
Despite doing more than your fair share and constantly modifying your behaviour you are never good enough
You have become isolated from friends and family who are supportive to you or you find yourself limiting time with them or finding them criticised by your partner such that it is difficult to have them in your house.
You find yourself behaving in odd ways and believe that the problems in your marriage are becauseof you. You may even have or worry you have depression or anxiety. You blame yourself for the way things are because you just never ever seem to be able to get it right.
You find you are strangely nervous or frightened when your partner is around even if he has never actually been physically violent.
Life runs better and you feel more in control of yourself and life when he is not around for a while but then revert to anxious doubts and a feeling of being out of control when he is around.

Florentina27 · 12/07/2016 08:37

My DD is 10 mo and my DH has cooked for us ever since I gave birth ( and before that he froze food to have for the first weeks) my DD has eczema a d she is a terrible sleeper sometimes because of it, I am also ba k at work and can't cope when he snores so most of the time he sleeps on the sofa and has a bad back, he is annoyed by it but all on all he understands, he doesn't do much cleaning bit happy he cooks and looks after DD after nursery when I'm on a late shift and stays with her in the morning before nursery starts although he is really bad at waking early usually. We have jaf arguments at first as he wasn't very supportive with bf which u found really hard and told him to fuck off and leave if he isn't happy, I don't take shit very well

reallywittyname · 12/07/2016 13:49

He's being a selfish lazy cunt, this isn't normal. I would be telling him in no uncertain terms and possibly packing him a bag.

Original poster

mummylove2monsters · 12/07/2016 19:21

Dixiechick - I do believe there's something in that artical .
It's incredibly hard work .

OP posts:

AmyAmoeba · 14/07/2016 00:41

I think my dad was a bit like this. And I suppose I was conditioned to see it as normal. DH was by no means as bad when ours with little, but if I could have my time back again I'd be a lot more demanding. What you said OP about being " hoovered into coping" really resonated.
Honestly I'd be reluctant to have another baby, though I'd love to dearly, because the first year was so hard between us. I think I contributed to the problem because my expectations were so low, and I had this ridiculous sahm guilt going on. Mumsnet has been eye opening. I had no idea how off my parent's dynamic was, and never considered how much I contribute as a sahm to his career ( there are a few threads about that might open your eyes to your financial contribution)

^I don't mean to imply that you caused this - absolutely not - just sharing so you know it's not only you.

Original poster

mummylove2monsters · 14/07/2016 07:24

I know exactly what your saying - women that won't stand for it , don't get treated like it . I wish I was tougher and less of a doormat - your right when you say how being a sahm is contributing - I do all my husbands paperwork , phone answering , client bookings etc , if he had to employ a secretary and pay for childcare while I went out to work he would soon see we'd be worse off . I'm glad you get where I'm coming from - It nice to be understood xxxx

OP posts:

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