First time mum to be. How do you keep your parenting choices a secret?

[bumbleclat]

I have been working with children and families for 17 years in many different contexts and my degree is in early child development so in some ways I have had the opportunity to make lots of decisions about how I do or do not want to go about things when I have my own...

I want to be able to make these choices without having to explain, defend, feel judged and basically lose connection with friends because of how I want to do things.

I'm not a preachy kind of person and have been a Buddhist for many years without banging on about it to friends, family colleagues. I hate being preached at so am worried that because parenting choices e.g. Extended breast feeding are so in your face because a friend coming round for a cuppa will definitely know that that's what you're doing or if we stay with family and I'm co sleeping etc they'll think that I'm ' making a rod for my own back' blah blah.

I'm worried about my choices isolating me from the lovely, sensible people I like to spend time with.

I want to feel accepted and understood for my choices but I used to nanny for a lady who had a whole group of 'attachment parent friends' and I did find them all a bit earnest, serious and judges of parents who for example went back to work straight away etc.

I suppose I'm worried that from what I've seen, there's so much judgement from everyone that Ill feel like hiding away and if might be a lonely time.

Sorry for rambling.

Wise words from BertieBotts as ever.

Was just going to say, wise words from Bertie, see it has already been said. This bit in particular:

"I don't think you will annoy people by just making the parenting choices which are right for you. Unfortunately sometimes (and I completely did this) it can be easy to fall into a way of thinking when DC are very little that there is one particular way that is better than other ways. You might say "Oh I don't judge others at all" but secretly you still think that the choice you make is the best way to do it, assuming that others make different choices because they don't know any better, and it can come out in the way that you speak about it. It can also be the case that you end up in a little "bubble" of "this is our way and everyone else is just not like us" which is actually really unhelpful as it cuts you off both from forming friendships outside the bubble and from considering other approaches, which often can actually be helpful. It's silly to write something off just because one part of it didn't appeal to you at one point."

A vague "this seems to be working for us at the moment" is quite sufficient if someone actively invites you to talk about your parenting: most of the time you can simply get away with talking about other things.

Also be aware that your child will very quickly grow into something that is more than just a unit of your family: by age 4 s/he will have a life that is no longer just centered on you and your choice, s/he will probably be attending school and have to deal with completely different rules, s/he will go for playdates, s/he will simply adapt to things being one way in one place and a different way in another place.

S/he will also very much have a personality of her/his own and you may find that your plans for certain sleeping arrangements/weaning techniques etc strand on the preferences on the little individual who is actually in the centre of it all.

YY cory - and I think there is a bit of a shift. It seems to happen either when the first child goes to school and really is subject to a good bit of outside influence for the first time or when the second child is born and shatters your illusion that the first child's good/easy points are directly attributable to your excellent parenting.

Parents who are still in the bubble of assuming that every good thing about their DC is directly down to them are in a totally different place to those who have some experience and know that not to be the case. If you're already aware of it at the start it won't be such a tough transition and you'll also be much more able to relate to other parents who are having a different experience to you.