How do you punish your children?

[36mum]

It sounds awful to say punish your children but what I really mean is show them that you aren't happy with their behaviour and get them to change it.

My youngest (7) selectively ignores me.

My oldest (12) argues back about everything even when I justify/explain things which I hate doing its belittling. Last night I asked him to shower before bed, he erupted and wanted to be told clearly why he has to have a shower. He made it clear he wasn't going to and there was nothing I could do about it. My only way of getting him to shower was to threaten to stop him going on a school trip next week. He did shower after this but I hate going to such extremes. He's recently been banned from ipad/computer games for 2 weeks for being rude to a teacher, tbh he's not that bothered and has read instead. I really have to pick and choose how to 'effectively punish him.

Any ideas?

7yr time out. You will need your DP to support you on this matter. If my siblings and I were ever rude to dm then my father was down on us like a tonne of bricks.

12yr - sent to his room? Again I think you need your DP's support on this matter.

yelling a bit about whatever it is theyve done wrong or didnt do.

im not very good at punishment, but tbh, they have never really responded to it in any useful way (ASD)

I try to do natural consequences as far as possible - so not going in the shower when asked means fewer or no stories after as have run out of time.

If we have a particular problem issue (most recently washing hands after the loo) we do a star chart with a prize.

I don't mind explaining things to my dc but I expect them to ask nicely. If they are rude I either "turn my ears off to rudeness" and ignore them. I also ask them to ask again in a nicer way.

Just realised it's the 12yo not the 7yo arguing about the shower - possibly loss of bedtime stories might be less of a penalty!

The same principle would be less time until lights out.

I don't really but will shout loudly when pushed too far and they do seem to know when to stop. I threaten removal of screens but never really have to do it and occasionally sent to bed when younger, never more than an hour though. They're 13 and 9.

The most effective thing for punishments imo is that they should be rare. And ideally get rarer as the child gets older. Pick your battles is definitely good advice here.

It might be helpful to run through a series of possible scenarios beforehand and decide which ones are so important you are going to go to push them through at all costs and which ones might be open to negotiation/compromise. Around here the absolutely non-compromise ones are physical aggression, swearing or misogynistic/racist/disablist language, overstepping curfew by more than 10 minutes.

Is it so important to shower before bed? Could there be a compromise (shower in the morning?) If you decide that for some reason this one is a no-no for you, then it might help to have thought out the consequences beforehand. I would try to make them as immediate as possible, never involve anything that impinges on their education (so school trip not a good choice) or impacts on other people (the party their friends have already been invited to), and ideally be something that is over quickly so they can start seeing themselves in a positive light again. Grounding and docking of pocket money are the ones I have used in recent years.

Rudeness and selective deafness I tend to deal with more by manner than set punishments iyswim.

Thankyou all for your suggestions.