Does PND affect the mother child relationship in the long term?

[changerlenom]

If you had PND, did it affect the relationship with your child when they were older?

I had severe PND with my first child and didn't bond with her straight away so this has bothered me on and off ever since. Luckily for me, I got good treatment and recovered quickly from the PND and touch wood my DD seems to be a normal and mostly happy child.

Although I'm fully recovered and love her massively now, the experience has left me open to feeling a bit insecure about my relationship with her. She never had any separation anxiety as a baby or toddler which worried me (isn't it a sign of attachment?) and has always seemed to prefer her dad over me. Now she's 3 and when she says "I don't like you mummy" or "You're not my friend!" I can't help but wonder whether it's a sign of her not being well attached to me or being able to sense that we had a difficult start.

Written down I know this sounds silly as 3 year olds say things designed to get attention - and I don't react when she says things like this. It's just I feel like I'm living under the shadow of PND and I won't know whether it's damaged her or our relationship until she's much older. Does anyone else feel like this?

Or if you had PND and have an older child, how is your relationship with them now and do you think the PND had an impact?

changer I don't know if it helps, but I think of bonding as a life long process and not as a one off event. My mum once told me that you could fall in love many times in a long marriage, and I think the same (or rather the bonding aspect of it) is true in your relationships with your children- you have times when you are closer, really 'get' them, and are very bonded, and other times you are eyeing each other across the room, getting on each other's nerves and just don't seem to 'gel'. If you think of bonding as a process, then what happened at the very start, though it might be important to you, isn't the whole of the story, it's just a small part of it. You can bond and continue to bond with your child their whole lives, in fact, it's important to reach out (emotionally) and connect time and time again as they change, become older, do different things- and sometimes, they need to move away from you and test the bonds a bit (saying this as the mother of a 12 year old who is definitely doing that). There's a core of love there, but that is only sustained by ongoing loving behaviour- if you stopped that, then that initial bond of the early months would be soon forgotten.

I don't know if that helps, I had one bond which grew very slowly into love for my dd, another was instant. I don't feel closer to one than the other now.

I do think it's also important not to panic when they push the boundaries a bit by saying 'I don't like you' or go stropping off to their room or don't enjoy a family day out. This is normal behaviour!

I had PND with my eldest and didn't feel a 'bond' with him as such until he was a few months old.

I had very mild beginnings of PND with my youngest but was spotted & dealt with immediately so bonded with him with no trouble.

I beat myself up for a few years about the effect I may have had on my eldest, and would get quite upset still when I thought back to his babyhood.

Anyway, my boys are now 14 & 11 and are amazing!
I have a really good bond with both of them & they are very, very close to me & protective of me as I am them.
I still get tearful thinking back to how things were, but it has not affected my long term relationship & bond with my boys one bit.

for you OP, and for everyone else going through it now.

Personally I think the best way I can ensure the traits I'm prone to aren't passed on is to do my best to model the way of behaving I want - eg. Saying sorry to my DH if I've been harsh and showing (and expecting) respectful language even in arguments etc. Not saying it's easy or that I don't worry too though

Thewind thanks for that - you're so right. All relationships rely on a regular input of love/energy/effort so it makes sense that our relationships with our children need that too and it takes the focus away from that perfect magical bond that we had all expected to have right from the start, but for some of us took a while to materialise.

It's so reassuring to hear from so many people who feel their mother-child relationships haven't been adversely affected by PND. I feel like I've done a decent job of putting the whole horrid experience behind me but this is always something that has niggled away and this thread has really helped so thanks to everyone who has shared their experiences.