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Original poster

Irritated after dh family visit to see our newborn

24 replies

butterflylove16 · 21/06/2016 12:56

Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone has ever felt the same?

I get on really well with dh family, but I'm feeling irritated after they visited us to see our newborn dd the other day.

Mil kept telling me what to do, I appreciate her advice normally but I just found myself annoyed. DD was hungry, I knew she was, but mil was sure she was just using her rooting reflex as she couldn't possibly be hungry as she only bf an hour ago. I tried to take her anyway but mil was adamant, only for dd to get really upset because she was hungry. I was also talking about how great and happy I feel, only for mil to say I would definitely get the baby blues. I understand this is completely normal to happen, but I didn't appreciate being told I would definitely get it.

I know I'm just being silly & unreasonable about this, but I'm struggling to let it go & not looking forward to her coming again. As I said, we usually get on well & are very close. Is it just my hormones? Thank you

OP posts:

2016Hopeful · 21/06/2016 13:04

I think that she is probably excited about the baby and wants to be useful to you but it is not coming out the right way! I wouldn't worry about it to be honest, it is not a big deal to make an issue out of. When you have a baby a lot of people give advice but you don't need to follow it!

My MIL has some strange opinions like the time she was sure my son didn't need glasses (when 2 different opticians said he did)!! She couldn't bear the thought that there was anything even slightly wrong with him I think! I just sort of let her advice wash over me, make the right noises but do what I want!

Handsoffmysweets · 21/06/2016 13:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster

butterflylove16 · 21/06/2016 13:09

Thank you both I think I just needed to get it out to be honest! I think because dd is my first I can doubt myself, when really I know her better than anyone else. I'm sure it will be better when I next see her.

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SueTrinder · 21/06/2016 13:11

It's pretty normal for your hormones to be all over the place after having a baby and it's likely that you are finding your MIL more annoying now than usual not because of her behaviour particularly but because of how you are inside. I found mine (who is also lovely) just much too intrusive when the DC were tiny whereas now they are older I appreciate her again.

Sorry! I appreciate I'm basically just doing what she did when she said you'd get the baby blues. FWIW I did get a weepy day 3 days after DD2 was born but otherwise was on a complete high, she was a very easy baby. I was definitely more down after our more difficult children were born, TBH a lot of it is just sleep deprivation.

PerspicaciaTick · 21/06/2016 13:12

MiL was being annoying.
You have a new baby, are tired, sore and your hormones are kicking you. You are allowed to feel annoyed about things that are annoying.

3littlefrogs · 21/06/2016 13:13

Nobody should refuse to give a newborn back to its mother!

plantsitter · 21/06/2016 13:15

Is it her first grandchild? As she is normally nice I would consider it as both of you getting used to new circumstances. Your job is to get used to knowing what's best and being confident enough to stick with it!

Original poster

butterflylove16 · 21/06/2016 13:22

Yes dd is her first grandchild. She absolutely adores her & I know she was just trying to help. I think because we generally have a close relationship she felt giving lots of advice was fine as it usually is, I think I was just tired & fed up of her. DD is now 6 days & thankfully I'm still feeling great, just been stewing on this which is really unlike me. Hopefully now I've spoken about it I can let it go.

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seven201 · 21/06/2016 13:31

My baby is 6 days old and my pil are pissing me right off! I had a planned caesarean and my husband told them they would unlikely be able to come see the baby on the first day (Wednesday). Day before the birth they told him they'd taken the day off and not the next day and they'd go hang around in the area, but no pressure! Luckily that visit worked out. Sisters in law couldn't come visit until Saturday (was still in hospital) but MiL got in a huff because she couldn't come as she was working. She is annoyed that they went to visit without her! They then invited themselves round on Father's Day, we only left hospital the night before and they were a little annoyed that they were only allowed to come for tea/cake and not dinner. Mil hogged the baby and didn't let anyone else cuddle her and then disapproved of me wanting more to wake the baby up and take her away to feed (she has jaundice so I was told to wake her if she hadn't fed for hours). There was just a horrible tense atmosphere for the whole visit. FIL doesn't seem bothered about the baby at all, but that's his prerogative. Sil's are great though. Mil doesn't dish out advice but does make it obvious if she'd doesn't approve e.g. When we mentioned we were going to give her her first bath with just water, she just has outdated ideas mainly. I'm worried I'm going to snap at her. The problem is I've never particularly liked her and my own lovely mum died two years ago so I resent having to entertain her and bite my tongue in my own house etc. Sorry, I didn't mean to high jack your thread, it's just good to write it down and get it off my chest a little.

Could you get your husband to have a word with her? As you've had a good relationship previously you'll probably settle back to that soon enough. What do you say when she gives advice you don't agree with? Maybe you need to come up with stock polite but no responses.

Thumbcat · 21/06/2016 13:32

I can sympathise. I'll never forget my lovely FIL saying quietly to me as they were about to leave "just ignore her, I've had 30 years of it" It's good advice.

Original poster

butterflylove16 · 21/06/2016 14:09

Seven201 - I'm so sorry to hear that, it sounds like she has put a bit of a damper on your first few days. In comparison my mil has been a dream haha! I have spoken to him about it, so hopefully he will stand up for me if need be. She also annoyed me a little as personally dh & I don't want lots of pictures of dd on facebook (I'm not against it or anything we're just quite private people), & she's the only one to keep ignoring our wishes which has upset me too. I understand she just wants to show off her first grandchild but it's not her decision to make.

Haha Thumbcat, that made me laugh!

Nice to know I'm not alone

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seven201 · 21/06/2016 16:57

We have the same Facebook issue! I haven't put anything on there. My husband's best friend found out she'd been born as his mum had seen mil's Facebook post! He texted him to say congrats. My husband was not impressed! She also tried to make all the pregnancy announcements on our behalf. I get that she's excited but why doesn't she just stop and bloody think what's appropriate! I know we're not alone as a lot of people have mil issues! I will probably turn into a massively annoying mil one day!

Original poster

butterflylove16 · 21/06/2016 18:27

I think they just get over-excited & don't think how it might make you feel. I'm hoping once dd gets a bit bigger she'll calm down a bit! We usually have a great relationship, so I hope things go back to normal with her soon. Hope things get better for you too

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Kiwiinkits · 22/06/2016 02:12

If your baby was fed over an hour ago and was still 'up' and being handed around then it is very highly likely that he or she was very tired, actually. You should have a new newborn baby up for an hour at a time, max! Rooting is a sign for "I want comfort, help". Boob or dummy them to sleep.

Misses point. Becomes annoying. But oh well.

MusicIsMedicine · 22/06/2016 02:55

Fuck her!

Your baby, your rules!

If you think your baby is hungry, you feed her, end of! It is not a negotiation or discusion nor do you need mil's approval.

Had exactly the same last week - see my thread new baby - interfering inlaws in relationship section.

Put your foot down and make sure they know you are mum not them and to butt out of your parenting decisions.

MusicIsMedicine · 22/06/2016 03:01

Seven201 - boundaries needed here urgently or mil will get far worse.

I sympathise as I've had the same.

teraculum29 · 22/06/2016 03:42

i m glad that my MIL is nothing like this...

When DD was small I was told by HV/midwives to feed baby whenever she demands and it didnt matter that was half hour break or 2 hours in between

Liveandlaugh1 · 22/06/2016 03:47

I can relate to this as I too had a similar issue with my mil. It's about adjusting to a new role for you both. You are the mother, you know in your heart what's right for your baby, (not hers) and she should be respecting this. Mil seem to forget what that special initial feeling is like at the beginning.
Try to concentrate on you and the baby. Let your partner take care of her. Hope she backs off.

NapQueen · 22/06/2016 03:55

Maybe she needs a little gentle re-education on the current breastfeeding guidelines. I.e feed as often as they want for as long as they want.

I'm 31 and my mum was taught to feed 3 hourly even with boob. She is probably just thinking her way is still correct.

My mum used to twist that 5 day old dd slept all the time. "She's slept all day she will never sleep tonight!" - err no that's not how it works!

OlennasWimple · 22/06/2016 03:56

Congratulations!

I found strict orders from a MW that Had To Be Obeyed useful for deflecting "helpful" comments on routine

Original poster

butterflylove16 · 22/06/2016 09:10

Thanks everyone! I'm feeling a bit better about things now. I think she can find it difficult that we're doing some things differently than she did with hers. Many things we're doing similarly, but as some are different I wonder if she takes it as a criticism of what she did with hers (not sure if that makes sense). I found she just kept comparing my dd to hers when they were babies. I understand that a lot of aspects of taking care of a newborn are the same, but dd is still her own person & has her own wants & needs. The funny thing is, she even read a book before DD was born about overbearing grandparents & promised she would never interfere or tell us what to do! I'll have some grace with her & hopefully she'll calm down a bit. If not I need to have the confidence to do what I know is best & get dh to have a word with her.

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Original poster

butterflylove16 · 22/06/2016 09:14

Also kiwiinkits - she wasn't awake for the whole hour, she had just woken up again. Although I did find dh's family passing her around for 6 hours quite annoying & it did disturb her, so when she needed bf it was nice to escape upstairs for a bit. I think dd liked the peace & quiet too! Dh & I have spoken & decided that 6 hours is way too long for visitors to stay right now, but people don't seem to get the hint!

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Orsono · 22/06/2016 10:58

I get the "oh he CAN'T be hungry again" from MIL too. She means well, it's just that things have changed since she did it all. I just go with a vague smile and a "yes, it's amazing how much they feed in the early days, isn't it?"

seven201 · 22/06/2016 11:00

Ha! I can't believe she read a book about how not to be an over bearing grandparent!! Hopefully she will just calm down x

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