Am I too tight? or too generous? feel i have messed up some how.

[magicaltoaster]

Looking through my KS1 dd's work at school today and under the heading "my family", she has written "I come from a poor family, my mumy can't buy me my own toy. She needs to go to the bank. We are very sad" complete with sad face pictures .

Literally one time I said "i can't buy that Today I'm too poor", shes generally pretty good, and doesn't ask for much when we are out and about, and if she does i usually just say "not today" (without mentioning a reason). I do very occasionally buy her a toy or a book when we are out, or arts and crafts stuff, or these mermaid things she collects that go in the bath. And if she gets a sticker at school she gets sweets.

I don't have a lot of money but i really don't think that she has ever gone without, we have discussed the fact that we can't have pets because I dont own this flat, and then when asked why I've said "because I don't have enough money yet, but maybe one day". Is this too honest for her age?

If she see's something she likes on the adverts (things that are over a tenner) i say "write it down on a list for christmas or birthday" (for which she gets stacks from me, her dad, our families and her friends). She has literally hundreds of books, at least 50 teddies, a my little pony collection, slyvanians& sylvanian house, a few dolls, a few barbies (with loads of outfits), lots of board games, arts and crafts stuff, a vtech computer and watch, a kids camera and lots of kids DVD's. I take her shopping in primark every few months and spend about £25 on clothes for the season. She also gets lots of hand me downs from friends and family as well because she is quite small for her age, but she has never mentioned minding this, in fact when i say go through and chuck anything u dont like she never wants to get rid of anything and is quite pleased with all the second hand clothes.

We have a trip to cinema/soft play/ or swimming about once a month, and i save for her birthday so she can have a party with a bouncy castle. She doesnt miss out on school trips, and occasionally i'll get her an ice cream at the weekend, or pay for her to go on a ride in town or something.She also has a weekly hobbby that costs (although not too much).

I've deliberately never spoilt her by saying yes every time she asks for something, as I don't think that this is a good habit for kids, and they will be disappointed later in life when they realise how hard it is just to get by, even without luxuries. I was probably wrong to say "im too poor" that one time, but even so i thought it was Ok to give a reason (it was the truth)/ But i honestly feel like a terrible parent now, and what the hell the teacher thinks i don't know .

I did laugh it off a bit with exp, but can't help feel like i've done something wrong. Have i been too tight? or spoilt her? She doesn't act spoilt, never tantrums or begs for something, if i say no in the shop she just tends to sigh and leave it. The writing hints at a terrible impoverished childhood will that be her memory of it? or am i over reacting?

I think she just has a melodramatic nature, that's all! She sounds really sweet and it sounds to me as though you're a lovely mum, too.

You are over reacting. Don't worry about it. She's only little and they all write like that. DH famously wrote in his book at age 5, that his dad kicked the dog down the stairs and through the goldfish tank! In reality, he fell over the dog on the stairs, stumbled a bit, gagged the Hoover which fell over and cracked the gold fish tank!

DD also didn't get a lot when out when she was little. She once told a lady in Woolworths that she couldn't have the ball she was looking at because it wasn't Christmas and it wasn't her birthday! She is a perfectly well rounded 21 year old now.

Obviously he grabbed the Hoover, not gagged it. Perhaps DH should have been gagged!

The little madam! I really wouldn't take it too literally; kids say all sorts of weird crap that doesn't necessarily reflect how they actually think or feel at all.
And yes, she has loads of toys.
Has she been after an XBox, or something, hence the guilt inducing sad faces?

There's a scene in Sleeping Beauty where Aurelia throws herself about hand to forehead by her dressing table in true melodrama this is your dd in fact all our dd at some point. It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job don't read too much into this laugh it off.

Thanks ImperialBlether, thats a bit reassuring, it was the sad faces that did it for me, complete with what looked like small pox all over them (?!) i blame my mum showing her annie ;) I did go bright red though seeing it there.

Maureen haha that story about the goldfish did make me laugh out loud.The things that kids take out of context.... I apparently once told a social worker that my parents make me drink wine, which, knowing my parents, i can not imagine to be true.

Im glad that these replies have been positive, i was half expecting a bollocking for being too open about finance with my dd too young.

Oh dear bless you worrying over this.

One thing I picked up from MN was not to say we don't have enough money for £10 toy as they might worry you don't have a pot to piss in. Introduce the idea that you choose not to spend it on that but are saving for a holiday, days out or to pay big electricity bill i.e. you are not destitute just handling your money sensibly.

Agree you sound like a lovely Mum and I think it's a good idea to teach kids they can't have everything they want (not in a mean way!)

That's it exactly Ekkore, its alot to do with choice. I could buy her more toys probably, by buying less good quality food, or going without my weekly swim, but i think that i'd be doing her a disservice in the long run, plus things tend to mean more when you wait for them.

Dd1 told the teacher we needed charity because we were poor (based on the fact I said I really wanted a mini countryman but can't afford it). Most teachers know kids don't always get it right lol.

I say to DDs that 'I don't have money for toys today'. Slightly different from not having money or not affording it.

I was intrigued enough to google Mini Countryman, m0ther. Of course it's a car... (my imagination was running riot)

Ha ha don't worry as teachers we see all sorts and take it with a pinch of salt. I was teaching year 7 sexual reproduction and one wrote the answer "ballsac" for testicles, it certainly wasn't a word we had used in lesson.

It's a shame more parents don't take what kids say about what happens at school as much as they expect teachers to take home stories with a pinch of salt eh?

Not sure that makes sense, but ykwim!

You are treating her just right OP. Perfect balance I think. We once decorated DDs bedroom as her birthday present. The full works and got everyone to buy her bedroom related presents. When Christmas came around just a couple of months later, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she said, 'I thought my bedroom was for my birthday and Christmas, so I did t hunk what I wanted.' I could have sobbed with pride. Think she was about. 8 or 9 maybe. A beautiful moment and a pat on the back in the good parenting stakes I thought!