New parent, love my baby sick of my husband.

[RE79]

I have a 3 and half month old who I love with all my heart. Since having her I know that things are difficult to have a relationship the same as before with your partner. I feel that since being on maternity all my husband does is remind me he is the one paying for everything. He thinks that it's all my job to look after the baby. I feel like he does not know how hard it is to run a house and look after a baby. I feel as it I'm becoming more distant from our marriage as the way he reacts is grounding me down and I'm starting not to care anymore about us being together. To be honest I think he has no respect for me anymore anyway. Any body else been in this situation??? Advice please

He isn't paying for everything though is he, if you're on maternity? You'll be getting something still, presumably, even if it's just SMP and perhaps even child benefit. If not, then he's still not paying for everything because by staying at home and looking after your child you're saving your family the costs of childcare. In your situation I'd be reminding him of that fact.

It sounds like your relationship could erode quickly if things continue the same way - it's time for a serious discussion about your roles in the family. Are you going back to work? You could use that as a starting point, clearly you won't have the same division of labour then (and if that's what he thinks it's better to find out now). Generally equal leisure time is the yardstick for an equal distribution of labour. If he thinks you do nothing during the day it gets a bit more complicated.

My smp pays for other bills and stuff for the baby. I spend very little me and try and save the rest. The money I save is to use for us as a family. To be honest I'm just sick of having it thrown in my face. I even got told that I can go back to work and he will take the next 6 months off. He can't even look after her for a day without having a melt down.

I often think the only solution for this is for the WOH parent to actually experience your day to day life. Could you go away for 24 hours (express if BF?) and just leave him to it?

I am going back to work, I feel like my life is hard at the moment and I realised that having a child would not be easy. But I thought I would have someone who would want to spend time with their child after work, not sit on the sofa surfing all the time.

He had the baby for four hours the other day and had his mum with him. He called from the car to say she was all mine when he got home.....

My dh is the same, we have b/g 5 month old twins, I happily look after them all day, when I have a shower when he gets home he says 'don't be too long' we went to my parents one day and DD was very upset so he took her in to the spare room to calm her down, had her on his own for about two hours then when we got home said he appreciated what I do but needed a break from holding them for the rest of the day...?

I am just coming to the end of my maternity leave and will be returning to work full-time.

I feel very much the same as you that my husband thinks because he is paying the main bills at the moment that fact somehow makes my contribution to the household (full time childcare, maid etc) less valuable.

The difference is that my husband loves to spend time with our DD. He comes home from work and I literally hand her over to him (while I go do all the other jobs that appear to be my responsibility ) He is due to have DD for a week by himself when I am back at work and it will be interesting to see how he feels about what I do at home after that experience.

I have felt very distant from my husband and a building resentment about this. I am trying very hard at the moment to put aside time for us to reconnect and discuss these feelings in a calm constructive manner. He has expressed a feeling of pressure in terms of finances in that he feels it is all on him and I have tried not to minimise this in light of my own feelings. We have also talked about how when I go back to work I will not be able to work full time and still be expected to do everything I do now without help from him.

Do you ever get time to spend together just the two of you? As in tv off, phones away etc.

I understand your frustration at this situation so

Hi thank you for the supportive replies. With her only being 3 1/2 months we have not had time alone as of yet. At a nightime when the baby goes to sleep I tend to tidy up and he does help but at the moment we are so wrecked we seem to have a hug and kiss and fall asleep. I feel like I try and talk to him and he gets frustrated saying he pays all the bills. Its sad to say but sometimes I feel as if I stay as I can't afford to move out of my home. I feel as if we had the perfect marriage and had a baby and it's terrible now with very little love. I do love my baby tho.

Nip this in the bud nor or it WILL get worse.

He can only go to work because you stay home.

Explain to him that your job is 24/7 and his is 8-5 or what ever. How Is that fair?
Gosh I hate mens attitudes sometimes

Yes I agree with you there. I can't believe that he can't realise that I don't have time to go to Starbucks and text everyone and basically sit in luxury eating a meal. I run rounds cleaning, doing bottles and looking after OUR baby. I got told before I should get the grandparents to help more so I don't have to rely on him when he comes in from work. The best yet is that I'm moaning if I ask him to help more at night as I should know that's my job. Intact I look sometimes and think being single again would be easier as I get no help apart from him paying the bills. Why bother.