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Parenting

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Original poster

Would you ever "grass" on another mum?

17 replies

MindMyOwn · 19/01/2007 19:46

Short story: There is a woman i know who is not looking after her children properly. Their house is filthy and the kids are filthy. The little girl who hasn't long started school looks like she's never had a wash. Her uniform could not pick up so much dirt in a day (or even a couple of days). She is allowed to wander the streets and has nearly been run over several times.

The eldest child is made to do the shopping and generally run around everywhere for them (secondary school age but not yet a teenager). She is allowed to wander the streets in the dark and do whatever she pleases.

They have a baby who has excema, he has raw wounds all over him. The medication obviously is not working and his mother hasn't thought to go back to her gp and do anything about it.

I dont want to go into too much detail but i know these kids are not looked after, there have been plenty more incidents/accidents over the few years i've known her.

Now here's the catch. The mother is basically a very nice person who just doesn't seem to know any better. She doesnt drink, or take drugs...i've never even heard the woman swear. I'm 100% certain that she does not hurt those children/purposefully neglect them and i know she loves them very much. She does not seem to have a nasty bone in her body so to speak. Her bf however is a complete waste of space who has never lifted a finger to help her. He's constantly drunk. There's no nicer way to say this (dont jump on me) but she's not very bright and trying to talk to her about her kids has had no effect whatsoever, several of the people who know her have tried. She's not aware that there is any problem.

I think she needs a wake up call to look after them properly, i've thought (im ashamed actually) of calling social services but i dont want to cause trouble for her, i just think she needs help with looking after them and i'm worried for their safety, i can't distance myself from this as i see them every day and the kids really are lovely.

So what would you do? Should i just mind my own business? Im a little birt torn and would hate to think that if something happened to any of those children that i had just sat by and done nothing about it.

OP posts:

taylormama · 19/01/2007 19:49

do you maybe share a HV that you could mention the concerns to? It isn't grassing if you have genuine concerns ... what about calling NSPCC and asking for advice or your local social services. It can all be done anonymously.

brimfull · 19/01/2007 19:49

Difficult one sounds like she needs the help and support from either social services or she may have a mental health problem.
If you've exhausted all other ways ,If I were you I would contact social services.

TheArmadillo · 19/01/2007 19:51

I'd call social services.
They can help the mother as well as the children.

She needs to be aware that there is a problem and needs help to sort it out - they can provide this.

If you are this worried about them you need to do it.

Its not letting her down or putting her in trouble, but helping her and the children.

lulumama · 19/01/2007 19:53

she might have learning difficulties, or be seriouosly depressed, and might not know or be able to take care of her children.

she might be in need of guidance and support..if you are genuinely worried the children are being neglected and are in danger, you could phone social services. i have now experience of social services. i would hope that she would get the help she needs, if it is necessary...

purpleturtle · 19/01/2007 19:53

My thought was to contact a HV in the first instance. Might not feel quite so heavy-duty as contacting social services.

Original poster

MindMyOwn · 19/01/2007 19:56

I'm just worried that ss may whip the kids away from her and she doesn't deserve that, she just needs some awareness, help and support. (hear so many awful stories about it).

OP posts:

taylormama · 19/01/2007 19:59

SS don't just whip children away - they will have to assess first ... i think a PP has suggested speaking to a HV and i think that that would be my first suggestion too ... what about a charity like Homestart who can offer help in home to people who need it.

Posey · 19/01/2007 20:01

I think I would have to contact ss. If something happened to one of them when they were out alone, I would never forgive myself.

Original poster

MindMyOwn · 19/01/2007 20:06

I dont know if we share the same HV but perhaps i could have a word with mine...same surgery/area. Would it be confidential though? I know that a couple of years ago she was visited by ss and it was never mentioned again.

OP posts:

bandstand · 19/01/2007 20:10

i expect the school are aware, they know the signs to look out for. Don't feel guilty, we tend to keep our noses out where children are concerned but would not think twice aboutcalling RSPCA for a dog. I am sure ss are well used to these type of phone calls .. genuine or not. it is in her and her children's best interests to get some help so-- go for it..

evamum · 19/01/2007 20:15

I would also contact SS.
They try to keep families together as much as possible so would be more likely to try and help her cope and hel her out.

Don't be guilty about it, you are trying to help the children and there is nothing whatsoever wrong with that.

kimi · 19/01/2007 20:20

MMO i think you know that you HAVE got to call the ss.
This mother needs help as much as her children.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call them.

Also have a word with the head teacher at the school, there is alot of help out there and if the mother is a little slow she may long for help but not know how or where to look.

I have called the ss before they are very helpful and you can with hold your name if you wish to.

Good luck

mytwopenceworth · 19/01/2007 20:24

i think you have a duty to call social services. they are not going to march in and drag those kids out. they are there to help, even if some sensationalist stories have people thinking otherwise.

call them. she needs help and those kids deserve a better life.

morningpaper · 19/01/2007 20:29

I tried contacting a HV in a similar situation (I knew we shared a HV) and she kept repeating "I cannot help you, clients are confidential" over and over. I was so , the mum in question was in real trouble.

I would try SS if HV no use.

Original poster

MindMyOwn · 19/01/2007 21:12

Ok, thanks for replies. I think i will contact ss. It makes me feel terrible to even think about it but i know they need help. I hope i'm doing the right thing

OP posts:

MamazonAKAfatty · 19/01/2007 21:18

onpy read the op.

YES you should speak to social services.
I promise that she will not have her children removed. all that will happen is that they will write to her telling her they intend to call round. they will then visit her and have a chat, they will also take a look aorund the house.

They will soeak with the school and see if they have any concerns over the childrens welfare.
They will speak with the mum and see if there are any underlying problems you dn't know of, maybe her washing machine has broken down? maybe she works in the evening and the babysitter lets the children out and she doesn't know?

They will look into all area's and offer the appropriate help and advice, be it a stern talking to or some help accessing parenting classes.

At the end of the day you have clearly had these niggling doubts for some time. what is the worst that can happen? if you report them and they investigate and find teh kids being perfectly well cared for then great, if they find them not being cared for they will help the mum out.

Unless they walk in to find them battered and bruised and chained to a radiator they will not be removed.
please speak to either social services or the school...they may share your concerns and can reffer the family themselves and therefore you will have no guilt.

Martha200 · 19/01/2007 22:05

Yes, I think you need to speak to ss.
There has been a case in wilts recently of a woman with 6 children (pregnant with 7th!) of neglect of her children. It was the scalds to her 2 yr old that alerted suspicion (I believe, in the first place
Teachers of the other children mentioned a time when one child had such dirty feet they had to wash the childs feet before a swimming lesson and they were always shabbily dressed.
I would be looking at telling SS.

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