Competitiveness between Grandparents

[Cityfreak]

It was lovely to meet so many of you at lunch on Saturday. I feel like an alien at work with a secret life, as no one asks me what I did at the weekend, and they would think it really weird if I said. My parents were down this weekend and we had a good time, went out to dinner, went to the Royal Academy etc with my son, however, Mum is now really upset as all weekend Dad petted my son and excluded her. Dad gave him the presents they brought, so my son now thinks they are all from him and not joint gifts. Dad is really lenient while Mum and I are more strict, so by the end of the weekend my son was calling for his grandpa all the time and would not even let Mum change his nappy. Mum was also hurt that she took lots of photos of my son and Dad but Dad had to be told to take a couple of shots of Mum. Incidentally, this is fairly typical of how Dad would act when we were kids,wanting to show off that he was the more devoted parent. She talked about it to Dad on the train home but he was really angry and so now she wants me to talk to him. I'm not really sure what to do. A couple of times when my son was calling for his grandpa and rejecting Mum, she told my son off and said she was going to go home if he was being like that, so I told Mum not to be childish, but that we should explain to my son that grandma was feeling hurt and they both loved him and he should not hurt grandma's feelings. I have explained to him several times that he needs to play with both of them. He loves Mum and gets on well with her. I think the real problem is that Dad needs to share his grandchild with Mum, but I don't really know what to do, as Dad will definitely get angry and sulky if I tell him. We are all going away together for the jubillee long weekend and Mum says she is getting really worried about it.

what a situation to be in, stuck in the middle of clearly loving devoted parents of you & devoted grandparents also. I fully understand your dilemma as I have similar family quandries but I hope I don't offend when I say this bit but it really is my gut feeling & I don't mean to hurt you or make it worse....I'd get the pair of them together & tell them to stop being so childish, it's lovely that they dote on your ds but he's far too young to fully understand or have to try & deal with splitting himself... where as they are both grown up enough and have had more than enough life experience to deal with it themselves..it's their problem and they are more than capable of sorting it out themselves, they just need to realise that...I think it wrong of your mum to drag you into it...she should sort her own concerns!

cityfreak, you could try and reassure your mum that your dad has always been that way and it hasn't affected your view of your mum nor your relationship with her. I know this will be of little short/medium term help!

I can empathise because my dh is much more lenient than I am with ds and so, ds often only wants his daddy and not his mummy but I know that I cannot make dh be much more strict (it just goes against his whole personality) and I am not prepared to be more lenient on the basis that it is important to me that ds abides by certain standards of behaviour. I think it is easier for me than for your mum because I am more certain of ds's love than a grandparent could be.

I am rambling and not sure whether it is helpful...

Hello Cityfreak,
One thing strikes me right away - have more grandchildren, so that there are enough to go round! Seriously, would it help your mum to build up a relationship with your son if she phoned to him a few times? You can't get much sense out of them until they're about 4, but they still love it when you chat to them. Otherwise, is there anything your mum could do by herself with your son, like bathing him?
I've noticed that my children will come back from a visit talking about one particular relative, but they might quite likely notice someone else then next time they meet them, so maybe this problem won't go on for very long?

Cityfreak, we have a similar situation between my parents and myself (not QUITE as bad by the sound of it), but it still bugs me. My father dotes on my 22 month old ds and does everything for him. My mum usually does all the mundane things like feeding, changing nappies etc, but my dad is always playing with him and entertaining him and generally takes over!! It's gotten to the stage where my ds clings to my father and won't go to me or my mother a lot of the time. I know Mum feels hurt because ds obviously prefers my father, and I must say I get a bit hurt too when I see ds throw his arms around Dad & hug him for several minutes, which he doesn't really do to anyone else - including me and dh. Our hugs from ds seem to be much briefer. This is sounding a little petty but I know that my Dad is very lenient with my son and has never tried to discipline him, which may be the answer to the whole thing!! Anyway sorry for rambling but I just wanted to let you know that my parents also argue over "who is spending more time with ds". As the others have said, it will probably disappear with time as the child gets older.

Your dad poss thinks that your mother is jealous of his great relationship and prob doesn't see any harm in his own behaviour. On the plus side, your son is getting a positive relationship with a related male from another generation which the Steve Biddulph 'Raising Boys' book likes to encourage.

Can you find ways of splitting them up so that your father spends periods alone with ds (boys time together) while you and your mother go out (girls time together)? Without a couple of nursemaids on hand, your father will have to deal with some of the less glamourous side of looking after a small child (be wary of having to handle the aftermath of 3 hours of sweets). Then your mother could have periods alone with ds too so they are not competing.

Is ds at an age he can spend a weekend with just the 2 of them?

Thanks for your messages, which are all useful and thoughtful. I spoke to them both, separately, last night, and told Dad that Mum was upset and he should try to be more sensitive. I pointed out to Mum that Dad was like that with us, but we still grew up to love them both, and that while Dad shows love through acts of service (eg changing my son's nappy, or bringing me a cup of tea) he is not very good at giving hugs or expressing love in words. Mum agreed that my son will understand that Mum shows love in other ways as well, eg Mum is really good at giving him a cuddle and teaching him how to do new things. Mum is going to explain to Dad that she felt hurt and they are going to agree in advance which of them is going to do what tasks and share them out, eg one of them will change all the nappies and one of them will serve him his meals, one will be responsible for the pushchair on a walk, and one will be responsible for minding him inside Sainsburys, etc. It sounds weird but I think it will work for them. Part of the problem is that Dad has already retired but Mum still works, so Dad is able to visit and help out in an emergency, when Mum often can't. As for having another one ... I would love to but my ex left a couple of years ago! We all assumed that I would meet someone else and Mum used to say, "Pick someone better this time! You can't manage another baby on your own!" Now, it has been an eternity since I even had a date ... hop on over to "Relationships"...