DD (3) scared of another girl at dance class - should I pull her from the class?

[feelinginthedark]

DH and I are friends with another couple who have a DD who is the same age as ours, the DDs are in a dance class together. They are moving in a couple of months and we won't see them as much.

Neither DD are great at sharing so playdates have always needed a lot of supervision, but have improved as they have both got older, and they have always called each other 'best friends' etc. The other DD has had a major issue with hitting and scratching for a long time, which our friends are aware of, obviously, and there have been occasional incidents of her lashing out at our DD. Interestingly, when they are both in a group of other kids, the other DD will hit our DD but not any of their other friends.

Things escalated a couple of weeks ago when they were over at our house and their DD lashed out at our DD several times, scratching her face. (She also hit her mum several times ). At the dance class following this, our DD was visibly terrified of the other DD, shielding herself from her if the other DD approached her at all. I dealt with it by telling our DD that she was doing the right thing by walking away from the other DD if she thought she was going to hit her, and by saying 'it's not nice to hit me' etc. But today in class it was even worse, and it was really upsetting to see how fearful our DD was of the other girl. Our DD had a long chat with DH about it at bedtime and articulated that she was sad that the other DD frightened her, and wondered why she wanted to hurt her, but she still wanted to be her friend.

The situation will (thankfully!) resolve itself when they move, but I can't ignore the situation at the moment. I feel as though I need to pull DD from the dance class, or come to an arrangement where one of the DDs changes to a different session. And cannot imagine how I will approach this conversation without damaging our friendship with the other couple. But on the other hand I want my DD to be resilient, and feel if I pull our DD I will be teaching her to avoid conflict rather than face challenges. And she loves the dance class, so don't want to pull her altogether. So confused!

I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed that this parenting lark seems to get harder as they get older, not easier!

Does the other dc get told off for hitting/scratching?

Pull her out. The class isn't important enough that she needs to go and be scared / miserable and 3 is young to learn such a big lesson. There will be lots of opportunities when she's older to learn about turning the other cheek and being resilient, believe me.

My son is 3 and has a best friend like this. They both push and shove a bit but the other boy does hit and push a lot harder. He is quite a bit bigger than mine so he often sends mine flying. They are in the same class at school and we socialize with his parents too as they are friends of ours.
I've told my son to walk away or to say loudly 'no xxxxxx stop that' . We are due to move soon so it will be resolved too. If I were you I would ask the teacher to keep an eye out, tell your daughter to say loudly she doesn't like being hit and walk away.
My friend is good at telling her Ds off too and I always tell mine too if he starts the shoving.

The difference though is that my son is not that bothered. If he was terrified and didn't want to be around this boy then I would pull him out. Another friend of mine has a DD who always pushes, scratches, hits etc and I won't have playdates etc with her as my son is always on the receiving end.

How does the other mother react in all this?

I think that makes a difference as to how you react.

Is it possible for your DD to change to another day/time slot?

I was just wondering what your response would be if the hitting was being done by strangers child? I think I would complain to the dance teacher, make them aware that your DD is being bitten/physically assaulted and no longer wants to take part. Surely the dance teacher will not want a child taking part who can't control themselves from assaulting others? Bad for business for a start.

If this were my friend's child and the parents were witnessing their child assaulting mine regularly and doing nothing about it, well they would not be friends of mine for much longer. Yes kids can lose it sometimes but surely by 3 they ought to be learning some self control. Parents who don't introduce boundaries, manners or discipline are setting their kids (and themselves) up to be lonely IMO.

The other girl has a nanny at the class who is totally ineffectual. Our friends are v aware of the other DDs problem and deal with it effectively then they are there by removing her etc. In dance class most recently though the other DD hasn't actually been lashing out, our DD is terrified even when she's being friendly, which is why I'm struggling

When they are there