How can I be more positive about the kids?

[Epictantrum]

I have 2 DCs, 7 and 4.
They are hard work at times, but in line with other kids with their behaviour. I'm just feeling quite relentlessly negative about parenting at the moment. It took along time to decide whether to have kids, and I think we probably made the wrong decision, but they are here to stay and I want to make the best of things. Obviously I wouldn't say any of this to the kids but I worry they will pick up on vibes. I don't want them to feel unwanted. But I feel miserable and trapped.
Anyone felt similarly and managed to turn it around?

Hi rudeelf. I do say that to them when I have the energy, they seem to have got into such a bad habit that they can't actually do it. Distraction/humour works the best, but it is a rare day I can summon this up.

Watching.

I have been there and am there OP. I remember saying as much to Dsis with my first and being shut down for expressing the unacceptable. You are not alone. Some of the advice above is spot on and I will try and remember it tomorrow!

I definitely need to plan ahead more. Once we are all up in the morning and the crying had begun, I can't even think straight to plan anything.
The night before though I'm so desperate just to have some normal down time I'm useless at thinking about the next day.

Yes its hard remembering all the time what youre supposed to do, especially when they are grinding on your last nerve! But thats the time you really need the deep breathing and calmness. If they cant seem to stop the whine get down with them and model the calm voice you want to hear. If they arent interested then walk off and leave them to whine. They'll most likely follow. Ignore whining and tugging on trouser leg. If necessary say "i told you the voice i need to hear, if you cant do that then go and whine where you arent disturbing anyone please" if theyre still whining after all those prompts then i would guess at tiredness or sickening for something tbh.

OP how about planning the night before something that will occupy them after breakfats that will give you time to breathe, think straight and plan for the afternoon.

oh and wrt the whining, I always say 'if you carry on like that there will be no iPad/xbox/telly tonight and you will go straight to bed' it always works, but you do need to follow through occasionally.

I've been there several times. In fact today I have spent a lot of time laying on my bed reading and drinking tea because I just wanted some time to myself. The dds have had hours of tv.

It really does get easier once they're at school. They will be quite absorbed and worn out! You'll get a bit of time to yourself and you won't feel so down.

We've all had those days where you bounce out of bed full of plans, the kids start arguing, you lose your shit and the day is spoiled before you've even had breakfast. Thankfully they don't happen often and actually, as they get older they usually mature and settle down a bit. Seven and four is still quite little. Mine are nine and seven and are much better now.

Mine are just turned two and a baby of ten weeks. What the hell have I done..?

Bertie & OP, thanks.

Ah, 39, it's not everyone who ends up feeling like this. Don't worry! I get the impression it's quite rare actually. And I have a lot of other stuff going on which probably hasn't helped. OP has a very stressful situation with work, it sounds like. It's not all doom and gloom! :)

Also FWIW although I did have a dark patch I'm now very happy with our little family, so much so that we are TTC again. So it really, really can't be that bad if I'm prepared to go through age four all over again

(I was actually a lone parent back when DS was four. So I'm hoping having DH around will make it easier too. I think a lot of this kind of overwhelm is situational.)

My ten-week-old son has reflux and my two year-old is glued to Mother Goose Club shut on the lap top ALL DAY LONG. We don't have a car. We don't have money. We live hand-to-mouth and I have PND I think. Sorry to get all maudlin, but the very last thing I want to do is play with my two year old (which is all she wants me to do when I'm breastfeeding the baby). I'm disgustingly shit at motherhood

Oh no! I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad. :( You're not shit Of course you don't want to play.

I only have one but I have definitely heard from mothers of two that it's totally normal to feel like everything is going to shit at first and that it slowly, but really, does get better. And easier.

Maybe this helps (lighthearted "ideas for games where you don't have to move or talk")

Can you get to GP to talk about possible PND?

Hi op, you are definitely not alone! Dds are 2 and 4 and we find them relentless. They are delightful but so noisy and the 4 yo never stops talking. There is no headspace. They play well together but need to be watched. Our parents don't step in much - they are elderly - and we can't afford babysitters so we rarely get time to ourselves. I work part time and look after dc the rest of the week. I take a few days off a year without dc just to get time to myself! Dh and I both struggle with finding them hard work and not having much time to ourselves. It is hard work!

And also

This could have been me and I have carried a lot of guilt about my ambivalence about choosing motherhood. Mine are seven and eleven now and we do have our moments but I do enjoy them more. You see their character developing, their values, a sense of humour and you don't have to watch them every five minutes. I've come.to the conclusion that I am not great with small children. I like my space and peace and quiet. We also went through some spectacularly bad times when they were small too : redundancy, unemployment, bereavement

I know all kids are different but I banned screens during the week and limit it during weekends and holidays and I found that my kids become much calmer and less whiney and started enjoying other activities.
I really hate whining and usually use the 'there'll be no Xbox this weekend if you carry on like that!' threat. It works really well.

I also get the kids out and about as much as I can as I prefer that to being indoors with them. I find things I'd like to do too and just get them on board.
Things like bike rides, kite flying, walking in woods, ice skating, roller skating, boat rides, day trips on the train.
I also try to get out and about with friends too.
Do stuff that makes you happier and hopefully that will rub off on your kids too and help you to start feeling more positive.

And yes to routine. I work better with a routine and so do the kids.

Much sympathy to you, epic. I think the last six months before starting school is very, very hard work.

I can feel like that sometimes and I find things get instantly better with some time to myself out of the house during the day. It doesn't need to be much, this weekend I just spent an hour walking to our local town and back and buying some bread, but I just need to be on my own. Also, plan stuff, but nothing too exciting - if you plan a trip to the library and a run through the park, no one feels the pressure of set timings, cost etc that can make you disappointed if it doesn't live up to expectations.

As for grandparents, of course they love it. Grandparents spoil them and don't have to also wash the children's clothes, wonder if they've done enough reading practice etc etc. Then they get to hand them back and sleep. And, kids tend to behave better for other people I think because they know we love them regardless so we are the ones the can moan at.

Bertie many thanks for that blog link. I am both entertained and moved by the writing (you'll know which is which).

Firstly, you can't change them. You can change how you choose to react to them (and then hopefully you will see them, in turn, reflecting those changes back to you).

So try to shift your focus away from the shitty stuff that you struggle to cope with and find the teeny, tiny moments when your DCs are lovely and tell them that you like it when they do X, you enjoy doing Y with them, that you like the feel of their hand in yours or the way they sat nicely while you brushed their hair or how the big one helped the little one (if only for a nano second). Ignore the shitty stuff as much as humanely possible - provided they aren't actually killing each other or anyone else.
And if you really can't see any loveliness at all at the moment then try and spot some bits and praise your DCs anyway - fake it until you make it, because the positive comments and attention will gradually come to be more important to them than the attention they are currently getting from being whiny and you will see a shift in their behaviour and you will start to believe what you are saying.

It does get easier as they get older, it does take effort on your part to try and shift the family dynamic from negative to positive (and you still won't get right 100% of the time because none of us do) and having more time to yourself in September will help.

In the meantime, try reading up on positive parenting or look for a local parenting class (which will be full of parents just like you looking for ways to make their families happier). There are some great Pinterest boards with positive parenting ideas on them or you can look at the Family Live website.

And pick your battles for a while. I had to learn to let my DS pick his own clothes and take responsibility for the peculiarity of his outfits from a young age, because he cared passionately about what he wore and how it felt and I suddenly realised that I was having these huge stressful battles every morning...when I could just say "OK you choose" and nobody really cared about my eccentric little boy's clothes and floppy hair except him.
Funnily enough, he has always been fine with school uniform - one less battle to worry about Mon-Fri.

Great post by Bertie, completely agree.

And yy to "I can't hear you when you are talking in a whiny voice"