Fat shaming grandparent...feel 2nd best

[bigel]

Hi I'm just after some advice as I may be over reacting. My stepfather has twice made nasty comments to my ds who is 9. Most recently he was dancing around and stepfather said 'that's what you would call the elephant in the room'. The time before he opened the door to us and said ' hello fatty. ' both times I've been completely gobsmacked. Ds is a bit chubby and is really unhappy about it and I'm trying to gently help him . I don't think he registered either comment. Should I do or say anything. I'm not at all confrontational. ...I adore ds and want to protect him. Stepfather has been around for 30 years and tends to say things he and my mother have been thinking. I'm really sad as well because he and my mum really favour my brother and his family. I am used to sucking it up but it's now starting to be them putting down my children too. My older ds just had an audition for stage school and my mum has made it clear she doesn't think he is talented enough to get in. Aibu? Can't stop brooding on it and down in the dumps.

YANBU sorry your mum and step father are being so unsupportive

I was on the receiving end of stuff like this as a child, I discovered the best thing to do was give them a taste of their own medicine. They soon realise how shit it feels.

For example my BIL would say "next year when she has her annual bath" (running joke that I was unclean) so I grew a pair and said "well you would be more sensitive to smell with a nose of your size" etc.

Otherwise I know it's hard to say something but it may come down to you saying "do not belittle my children or put them down. Or I'll bring them round less"

YANBU.

You are not over reacting and your stepfather is being rather nasty. Obviously if your DS is a little chubby it is probably best if you do as you say you already are doing and support him in healthy eating and getting more exercise to help him if he is unhappy about his weight. That however is a totally different thing to your stepfather just being rude (albeit in a flippant thoughtless comment) and I would quietly say to him your DS is already struggling with his weight issues and comments like that are not helpful. It is a shame your mum and stepdad are favouring your brothers children but unfortunately you can't do anything about that. If they make you or your DC feel bad, restrict contact. Life is too short.

Comments like that can be really damaging. I would keep contact to a minimum.

I'd tell him to fuck off, quite frankly. He sounds like a spiteful prick.

When it comes to making these kind of comments to kids, I really feel you should be upfront rather than taking a softly-softly approach. I'd say quite plainly, I don't think it's appropriate or helpful to say those sort of things in front of my DC. They can be really damaging.

This from someone who had a 'how many rolls of flab can you count' throwaway comment directed to her at the age of 9. Cue three years of serious anorexia followed by several more years of disordered eating.

Time to get assertive OP and let your Tiger Mummy roar in defence of your DS!
I would tell him those comments are unacceptable, and if he can't be a kind, positive and loving figure in your DS life then he won't see them as much. Make sure your Mum knows this is the situation too.
Yes these comments can be incredibly damaging to kids. I remember a family conversation when I was around 10 on a similar subject and it has stuck with me decades on.

Thank you so much!! I feel ready to roar with your support. When it next happens I will calmly point out how I feel about it, he is a spiteful prick as has been astutely observed... so I'm sure I won't have long to wait! xxxxx to you all.

I had comments like this from my grandmother. Example when having a big family buffet style tea, I reached out to take a sandwich to put on my plate and she snipped "is your hand swollen" after I took one. There were lots of little remarks that were made in a way that was clearly meant to sound jokey but were really hurtful about my weight. I bet at the time my mother didn't think I'd heard or taken it in either. Upshot is I grew up with zero self esteem and am now still struggling. I am morbidly obese as far as the charts state and I have a very poor relationship with food. Don't allow them to destroy your children's self esteem because its easy to pull down but incredibly hard to rebuild. xx

This is a very hard thing to hear and I am so sorry that it has happened to you and had such a powerful long term impact. Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I will honour it by not allowing the same thing to happen again here. Sending you a virtual hug. x