If your child asks you whether you are going to die, what do you say?

[emkana]

Just watched Ice Age with the dd's, dd1 who is five was in tears once she realized that the mother had died, wanted reassurance from me that it couldn't happen in real life.
I find it so difficult to know what to say, I want to reassure her, but am also so conscious of the fact that tragedies do happen and people do die young sometimes...
what do you say?

"ooh not til i am 100" however that was a prolem once the queen mum became 100!

actually i cant remember if she became 100? bu it was a problem anyway!

I have said to ds that we all die in the end, but the huge majority of people in our country are lucky enough to live to a ripe old age. If you have any really old rellies this can be a good time to point them out and emphasise their ancientness.
I think with the huge sadness on Mn at the mo, it's currently much harder to sound reassuring and confident about this assertion

when i first clicked my post it came up with 'service temporarily unavailable'!

so i suppose something like that would be fitting, when i've gone i'll be there later

My dd (aged 4) is v interested in death at the mo.

We tell her that people do die but that usually only very old people die becuase they are old and tired and need a rest. She is aware that sometimes people die before they are old though. Its hard to know what to say isn't it?

tonight as I said goodnight to DS (4 1/2) he said "I hope you dont die when you're as old as grandpa" (my dads not dead yet) and I said, "dont worry I'll be here for a long time"
he just accepted that
it is hard though isnt it

dd1 (6) asked me how old she would be when I died.
I told her she would be a grownup with her own house and children and she would have a hubby or her own. I know I can't predict the future but it seemed to make her feel better

I say, yes, I will die one day, but not until I am very old. Then dd1 says, and when I die we will be together again, won't we? And I say yes, forvever and ever.

Dd1 lost her best friend a year ago yesterday, so she knows that you don't have to be old to die. I have to keep telling her how rare it is and that her friend was very, very sick. Then of course every time aony of us are ill she asks if we are going to die. I sometimes hear her playing mummies and babies with her animal toys, and the baby telling the mummy that she doesn't want her to die. I just keep on trying to be matter-of-fact about it.

My mother gave me a real complex, I can remember her saying to me over and over that she was happy because if she and Dad died then there were a lot of family who loved me who'd take care of me. I was sure she and Dad were about to die at any minute. It was only after I had dd1 that she told me she'd been scared of dying and leaving me an orphan to the point that she had panic attacks.

My youngst ds ia 8 and a bit weird Today I was a bit shocked when out of the blue he asked if when he dies he could give his heart to someone else. Very matter of fact and he said he hadn't seen anything on TV about it. Where does he get that idea from? I told him yes but he was insistent on signing a form from the docs and where could he get one. YTold him Iwas very proud of him and I would sign the forms if I needed to. Thought of Misdee and Peter and felt sad but proud. Kids are sometimes a bit gruesome about death and IMHO very blase about it sometimes. Have had to tell him off for wishing death on his sister, when she screeches at him!

I think it's really important to be as honest as you can, I've taken dd1 to see her friend's grave. My parents tried to 'shelter' me from that kind of thing with the result I was terrified of graveyards and funerals.

DS always asks about death. He tells me he doesn't want me to die, I tell him that we all die eventually. He is aware that some people die young, his cousin died before he was born but he knows of her. He also has very old relatives that are still alive.

One thing that upsets me is when he tells me he wants to go to heaven to see what its like. I let him know that once people go to heaven, they can't come back. Its so hard discussing it with children, he is only 4.

Yes, I will die. We all die. But hopefully not for a very long, long time when I am very, very old.

I would do the hand in a glove story of what happens when people die then reassure them that it won't happen for a very long time

if you want the hand in glove story I can find and re-post it

Tell the truth - it is very unlikely that a mother will die before kids are grown up - and I say that if it did happen, you could live with your grandparents, they would love you and look after you

hand in glove explanation

Twiglett on Fri 21-Jul-06 20:48
I put a hand in a glove (well in a sock cos I couldn't find a glove) I said to DS .. "this is you .. the glove is your body" (wiggling fingers all around), "but the hand is the bit that is really you and some people call that your soul or your spirit" (keep on wiggling) "when you die your spirit goes on" (gently take hand out of glove and make it keep wiggling and swooping around .. tickling him works too as you gently lay the glove down on the ground) keeping his attention on the hand swooping I said "when you die you don't need your body any more so your spirit leaves it behind" .. spirit hand keeps swooping and talk descends into tickling

oooohhhh is that where its coming from. DS2 has been going on about it for the last few weeks- in tears tonight, I couldn't work out why he was so concerned. We have Ice Age 2 here, but I think he's seen Ice Age at school.

I just said when ds (9) asked that I was going to be around for a long long time and not to worry his little head about it.

I like that example twiglett, I will tell that to DS the next time he asks. We did see a dead bird on our way to school last week. I told him that the bird had died but it didn't need its body anymore so left it behind and its spirit went to heaven. DS then wanted to know what a spirit is/looked like. How do I explain that one?

My ds has been very happy without being confused with spirits (which I emphatically do not believe in). My dad died recently so we've been talking about death a lot in our house. I talked about remembering people, and how our genetic inheritance goes on, but not spirits.

I don't mean that as criticism of Twiglett btw, just to show there is another way, which I personally believe is more straightforward.

Our bodies are like a machine or "insert name of naff toy etc" and when you use machines over and over, they wear out and stop working. For most people, it doesn't happen until they are really, really old. Even older than "insert name of oldest person they know".
It's the truth and something they can relate to yet leaves room to explain unexpected deaths.

Nothing certain except death and taxes.

aloha .. I don't take it as criticism .. you know I share your atheism .. but for me that's against organised religion handed down and interpreted by generations of men and providing traditional rubbish

I'm more of a Jonathan Livingstone Seagull type .. so for people like me who believe in some kind of 'spirit' which continues after death it works