i invited a new mum friend to my home for her 4yr old to play with mine and i felt my home was nearly destroyed by her 2 and 4 yr old. She said hardly anything to her children.

[stoplookandlisten]

My walls had chocolate and drawing over them. Drinks openly spilled on my floor and left there for some time. Climbing walls and running into glass doors...also chocolate over them and heavy painting frames being moved by 2 yr old which if fallen on this child would have killed her. Parent said nothing and worse still had no intention of leaving until I prompted it. I feel so stupid for inviting over. I feel so drained and depressed by this experience. Never has happened before to me.

I had the to some extent with visitors in the past. When I first had DS a friend came over with her new baby and 4 year old. He spent most of his time slamming my back door opens and shut with such force I thought he was going to break it. She said nothing at all.

Another friend came over with her 4 year old and let him jump all over my sofas with his shoes in, do handstands on putting his feet on my newly painted walls. I was still in the shell shocked new parent phase so said nothing but I now have a 4 year old and no way wound I ever let him behave like that. I've also learnt I have zero in common with people that do.

Of course you could go to her house on a play date and do it back to her...

Another time I would physically stop the child and remove them from the problem - I mean of the parent didn't react. And eating only in kitchen if they are messy eaters.

I do think many small children behave worse at other people's houses because it's a novelty and they haven't been told not to jump on that particular bed etc. When me and my friends used to get our 3 year olds together - up to 5 of them - every single toy would be out and beds bounced on and food trodden into the floor. It's just not possible to prevent everything with that many kids. However it shouldn't happen with a small number of children.

My friend's 4yo son drew all over our wall. My friend said he'd never done it before (I believe her - I know her son well) and was mortified. She insisted on cleaning it off although the marks are still there. It doesn't bother me ... These things happen with young dc.

You can absolutely discipline other people's children if they are damaging your property, hurting your children etc. I would be fine with another parent stepping in if dd behaved badly. Your friend may have different rules but when it's your house, your rules.

I think the moment has passed to say something but I'd meet at her house next timem

My sister does this
Arrives with lots of messy food which her kids eat while running through the house.
She reads magazines
I don't have her over anymore, she never asks why.

Sorry it was such a poor experience. I tend to set quite firm boundaries at the beginning of a playdate.

Shoes off at the door
Tell them the places they can play
Put away any potentially messy toys beforehand
Close doors to rooms that I don't want them playing in.
I sit at the kitchen table with the mum and any snacks happen there.
I don't serve messy snacks - water, fruit and non-chocolate biscuits.
If I know a toddler is coming I get out our old highchair.
Brief my own child on expected behaviour.

On the other hand, I also set out toys/activities that they might enjoy and to keep them amused. Even setting up colouring at the table keeps them amused/supervised for ten minutes.

The playdate mindset needs to be more 'childminder' and less 'hostess/friend'.

You '100% speak your mind' normally to people but didn't want to make her angry, so let this happen in your house?! There is a middle ground, you know. The choice isn't,

1. Make her angry

2 say nothing

There's no way I would watch my house being destroyed like that.

I wouldn't have let them off the table when eating any food or drawing though. That's asking for mess

Wow Op
That was uncalled for

WTF?

Sadly you can't control how other people's children behave. But you can influence what they end up doing so don't give messy snacks, remove pens, reove toys that have lots of bits and are a pia to put away etc. That way your children can have playates if they want and you can control the mess...

I just don't understand how you could sit there and allow a child to trash your house

OP simmer down! Don't feed the trolls.

Agree with PP, one week before I had my baby my nephews came over and were on the verge of actually bursting my burying ball with a fork (it couldn't be put out their way not in my flat).

Even though they're family I still made the joke "burst that and I'll burst you" before deflating the ball saying "ok, ball time is over, lets do [insert activity here].

My family and I are not that close so I'd say the same to a chum's kid. Just be honest, say "I'm not previous but this place cost me £3k to do up - argh - your wee one IS adventurous, no? Alas I can't have him/her being THAT adventurous, sorry" and pull the child away from the offending activity of the parent fails to engage.

By the way, I'm in the exact same situation re moving and not making chums but I'm not engaging with folk I get an off vibe from. It's the most hardcore I've been in my people-pleasing life.

Feels good man.

Sunshine, I think the OP was probably frozen with fear of disciplining the kid and worried about earning a bollocking from the other mum plus also waiting second by second for the mother to do the decent thing and intervene with her kid's bad behaviour.

Would you not be a bit "frozen to the spot" too if confronted with the situation when you didn't rally know the boundaries with the other parent?

I don't think I came across cold I just asked a question

It's strange as I did say don't do that and could you get your kids not to do that but mother didn't want to budge. I have quite a large house and I even though I made it clear that they should stay in large living room her kids ran screaming everywhere.

Sad we have trolls on mumsnet.

2 many sweets thank you for spelling it out for the troll :)

You're totally right. That's just how I felt.

What trolls??

The more you post, the more it sounds like you reaped what you sowed.
Her "kids ran screaming everywhere" and you let them.

The thing is that you can never tell how DCs will behave until they are there and behaving (or not!). It doesn't matter what they are like at home or what they are like at school.

Obviously you can choose never to have them over again and that makes sense but if you are going to have playdates with anyone again then you need to state the rules at the beginning.

It's your house so you get to set the rules and enforce them. Some parents won't intervene because they think it's not their place to do so because they are the guest.

I think noise from running up and down stairs and getting all the toys out is a grey area, but drawing and chocolate on the walls is another matter and is not acceptable.
I would see it as my responsibility to ensure my child behaved in an acceptable manner at someone else's house unless I was leaving him there on his own (and in that case when he's a bit older I'd have a stern word first about behaving himself and following instructions given by whoever was in charge). There are a couple of (childless) friend's houses I try not to take my 2 year old to because one has a toddler-height very fragile glass cabinet, and the other has stuff everywhere eg piles of papers all over the floor, so I find visiting really stressful in case he breaks/disturbs anything. That is my problem though and not theirs.

Rules when they first come in, if they are being disruptive and loud we don't act like that in this house if you cant behave you will need to go home. I really wouldn't give a shit if I offended the mum or it was awkward anyone with so little resect for my home can bugger off.

Are there really people so weak-willed in the world that they won't stop a 2 year old from putting chocolate all over a wall? Really? Why in god's name didn't you stop this? Fear of being disliked? Very little sympathy, I'm afraid.

Bizarre as it seems, I'm pretty tough on kids, mine or not. And most parents comment I'm good with children. I think they can smell "I'm not taking any bullshit" or "oh fuck, how do I stop this" and act up accordingly.
If it happens again, stop I suggest a firm "In this house hands are washed after eating, let's go do it now" and lead them away. Yes, it means your looking after twice the numbers of kids, but the clean up is much easier.