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Parenting

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Original poster

Telling DS1 tomorrow that we're seperating and I'm dreading it.........

10 replies

fannyannie · 05/01/2007 20:24

as I'm going to find it so hard to sit there and talk about all the mummy and daddy don't love each other stuff - when I do still love him, and hoped so much that we could make it work, it's him that's been so emotionally detached from me for such a long time that he doesn't want to even try relate.

How on earth am I going to hold it together, when I can't even bear to take down the Christmas decorations and cards today because it's the last time I'll ever take them down after a proper 'family' Christmas???

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softmusk · 05/01/2007 21:01

just wanted to send a big hug and let u no some one cares and u will do it ur a mum and u will do what best for ur ds

Tillyboo · 05/01/2007 22:31

Oh bless. We'll all be thinking of you. You'll get an inner strength because you have to be brave for your little one. How old is he?
I hope it all goes as well as anyone can expect. Hugs xxx

thelittleElf · 05/01/2007 22:39

Hi, I've just been through this with the family i work for, and can i just say how important it is that you DON'T use the word love AT ALL!! I don't know how old your son is, but the best way to explain whats going on is simply to say that 'mummy and daddy aren't making each other happy anymore, and you both want to be happy, so you've decided that it's better if you live in different houses'. By using the word love, a child can come to the conclusion that eventually you will stop loving them aswell, which we all know isn't possible .
Hope it goes as ok as it possibly can. I've had first hand experience of how this affects children, and i REALLY do understand how you must be feeling this evening.
Take care x

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Original poster

fannyannie · 06/01/2007 22:37

Well - we spoke to him this afternoon while DS2 was asleep.

DH did most of the explaining - said that mummy and daddy both loved him (and my heart sank as I remembered the last post on this thread). But then continued to simply say that mummy and daddy would be living in different houses soon, explained to him that I would move out in a few weeks, get the new house all ready for them and then he (and DS2) would come and stay with me at the Easter Holidays.

He seemed to take it rather well. Then this evening H and I had another (minor - but still with slightly raised voices) disagreement - sadly infront of the DS's. H went out for a drive afterwards and DS1 was visibly upset. In some ways it proved quite useful though - as it gave me an opportunity to tell him that when mummy and daddy are living in different houses we won't be arguing and fighting anymore.

His face lit up when I said that and he said that that would be really nice........and then double checked that DS2 would be coming too.....which of course he his. He then checked he could bring his PS2 and that DS2 could bring his Leappad "because it's XXX's favourite toy" and was quite happy.

When H came back I was upstairs getting changed - but I heard DS1 say to him that when mummy is living in a different house then we (H and I) wouldn't argue anymore - and he sounded really happy when he said it.

OP posts:

lissielou · 06/01/2007 22:39

oh fannie

Saturn74 · 06/01/2007 22:44

It sounds like you handled it really well, fannyannie.
I hope things work out so that you can all be happier soon.

nearlythree · 06/01/2007 22:46

Hugs to you xxxx

Original poster

fannyannie · 06/01/2007 22:52

It's wierd - although I hate the fact that we argued in front of the DS's (and so they got upset) in some ways it was 'good' that it was so soon after telling DS1 about me moving out. It was still fresh in his mind what we'd told him, and I was able to make it clearer to him how things would be better and that the fighting with mummy and daddy will stop.

I still wish we could work things out. Infact after something he (H) said to me when he got back about his sister asking him how he felt about the possibility of some other man raising his kids he admitted he couldn'tt answer her. From the other things he said I think he believes that he's hardly going to see them. But I want to make sure he has them at least fornightly - if not more often.

After that I texted his DS and asked if I could phone her tomorrow. We (used - and hopefully still do) get on really well and I hope if I can explain to her why I'm moving out she may be able to give me a clearer idea of whether he thinks H really wants me to, and whether there's going to be a chance that he could change his mind about relate.

I'm probably clutching at straws but I think talking to her is the best chance I've got of getting him to change his mind about marriage counselling.

OP posts:

nearlythree · 06/01/2007 22:55

Hope it all works out for you. I had a huge row with dh tonight - really awful although by some miracle the dcs didn't hear - am now thinking maybe we'll be having this conversation too.

thelittleElf · 06/01/2007 23:02

Well done fannieannie...it sounds as though it was handled really well by all of you. But, do be ready for lots of questions from your child(ren) in the coming days/weeks. Just when you are least expecting it, the little darlings have a way of catching you completely unawares....normally in the middle of a busy supermarket...bless them!
Keep focused on trying to make this as easy a transition as you can for the child(ren), and yourself of course.

Take care x

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