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Original poster

Am I wrong to to be upset with my mum taking my babies precious first moments from me

64 replies

ImYourDaughter · 22/03/2016 19:39

I'm 22 and this is my first baby. She is 5 months old and gets constipated so I have been giving her an ounce of water with a little mango juice once a week for the past month. She loves it so crazily much so I thought I would try feeding her properly. I bought Mango packets, silicone first feed spoons, a little bowl. I sterilised them all and was telling everyone how excited I was to Give my DD her first try of food. My mum asked me what I would be doing today and I said I wasn't going out as i wanted to find the perfect time to do the feed where DD wouldn't be tired etc. like it has been so clear that I have been excited about this!

So I sat down with DD today and began feeding her I gave her a spoon and she loved it! So I gave her another, she was happy. Then my mum said can I have a go and obviously I said yes. My mum got so carried away I guess, feeding her so much and actually finished off the packet. She was cooing over my DD so much and my DD was extremely happy to be fed... But I really wanted to do it. It was my first time feeding my first baby an i was excited an all I did was give her two spoons and my mum did it until it was all gone. While I watched. DD wasn't even hungry after that.

I am wrong to be upset about this and things like it? It's not the only sort of "first precious moment" type of thing that I've just sat down and watched my mum experience rather then myself. I don't know if I am being hormonal right now due to time of month but I actually wanted to cry today...

OP posts:

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TrinityForce · 22/03/2016 20:21

Aww

She meant no harm, stop her after a couple of spoons next time.

HelsBels3000 · 22/03/2016 20:26

I thought your post was going to end with 'then Mum said oh I've been giving her baby rice and puree at my house for weeks and she loves it - no wonder she enjoyed the mango'
It could have been worse OP!

Magicpaintbrush · 22/03/2016 20:34

Sorry to hear you are feeling upset about this. Not quite the same but I remember when my dd was a baby and we were really broke and I so badly wanted to buy her lots of lovely clothes but couldn't afford much and most of her clothes were chosen and bought by family, never by me, (often things I would never have picked) - I remember feeling sad, like I was missing something special I wanted to do for her myself. But, I had to remind myself that she was warm and comfy and how kind it was of people to buy her clothes even though I wanted to be the one to do it. In the long run it didn't matter, but at the time it feels like it does. There may come a time when your dd is a pickle with her eating and then maybe it might feel like a relief to let your mum step in. But I understand why you feel a bit sad about it. There are a lot of other 'first' things for you to look forward to, don't worry. :-)

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toldmywrath · 22/03/2016 20:35

YAnbu to be upset OP. I would have been upset, too.

ceeveebee · 22/03/2016 20:39

Do you not have a tongue in your head? why did you not just ask for the spoon back? I can't say I would have been too bothered anyway, you were the one who gave the first spoonful and after that weaning is incredibly dull!!

MrsSteptoe · 22/03/2016 20:39

Awww, OP, I can completely imagine that was disappointing (and you're getting quite a lot of stick here), but seriously, you have to be the grown-up now. If you sit and expect people to read your mind, you will be permanently disappointed and your DC won't learn to express themselves (appropriately!) either. You gave her the first couple of spoonfuls. Believe me, you will forget the first feeding (and you'll forget your disappointment as well as long as you don't brood on it). If you need to develop the vocabulary to take your DC back from your mother when she's intervening, then practise gently getting your point across in private when you're on your own. You'll feel like a nutter talking to yourself, but it is quite effective. You're a role model now! Good luck. And enjoy the next First. (And ignore any more critical posts.)

Wanderingwondering · 22/03/2016 20:40

Yabu. You will look back on this and wonder what you were upset about.
I get it to some extent-with my first I was massively excited to give her some food-presenting those soggy carrot sticks was a major occasion complete with audience, videos and note taking (I wish I was exaggerating!)
My second ended up being absent mindedly fed a whole fruit pouch for his 'first taste' by my friend whilst we were chatting!

minipie · 22/03/2016 20:46

Your first baby? Who'd have guessed

Honestly OP you got to do the first couple of spoonfuls and you will be giving her her first sweet potato, carrot, chicken etc. You really haven't missed out.

I would suggest you switch to something a bit less sweet next time though, pureed mango is basically sugar (no wonder your DD wolfed it down)

RidersOnTheStorm · 22/03/2016 20:46

YABU. Massively over reacting.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 22/03/2016 20:59

Is it your mums first gc? My DM is lovely and really hands on with my son but when he was first born I think she found it hard to know what to do ( and more importantly what not to do ) as she was so used to being "Mum". I just made a joke of it and gently reminded her that I was mum and there were certain things that were my responsibility ( picking names, how I decorated the nursery etc ). Luckily I have a younger brother who also gives her a ribbing when she gets bossy

Your DM probably didn't realise that it bothered you and got a bit over excited. Next time just say, "it's alright nana, mums got it" and take over.

Don't worry about it though, there are plenty more firsts and even if you were to miss those it doesn't change the fact that you are Mum to your DD and always will be.

mmmuffins · 22/03/2016 21:20

YANBU, because you mention this isn't the first time this has happened. There is a slight thoughtlessness, where she is only thinking of her experience with DD, and not realising she might be undermining yours. I see it with my mum as well. I find it hard to tell her to ease off, because on the face of it, she isn't doing anything overtly wrong...

sepa · 22/03/2016 21:22

I don't think your wrong to be upset at all. You do however need to speak to your mum as she probably doesn't know that this has upset you and to avoid this situation again.
Are you close to your mum? I have a 2.5week old and it's my mums first GC. She is used to being the mum so goes to do things for me. If it's something I want to do then I just tell her and she just lets me get in with it

Florentina27 · 23/03/2016 02:10

Chocolateteaaddict your story is sad but so funny..:))

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/03/2016 02:51

Listen, lovely - you're a mum now, not just a daughter. You get to say what happens with your baby, not your mum. You're an adult, if you don't like something, speak up.

You managed to give your DD her very first spoonfuls, 2 of them - your mum wanted "a go", so you let her because she's your mum - but THEN you should have said "Ok thanks Mum, I'll have her back now". Don't even ask permission, you don't need to, she's your baby.

Does your mum have a history of being overbearing? If so, watch out because it will only get worse.
If not, if it's just an innocent mistake that your mum didn't realise would upset you so much, then have a chat to her and say "look I'm glad you were there but I feel a bit like you took the wind out of my sails - could you let me do more for my own child, please?" If she's a nice understanding mother, she'll be sorry, and make sure she doesn't tread on your toes again.

But you have to speak up!

Original poster

ImYourDaughter · 23/03/2016 02:56

Yeah am hormonal like mad atm and struggling to assert myself as I am living with my mum. My mum asked me to move in when I was pregnant. I regret moving into the house it was a bad decision. My mum says Dd feels like "our baby" (mine and my mums..) she has said that my partner cannot come over or stay over. which because of his work hours means that he now never gets to see Dd at all and just is able to see me sometimes after dd goes to bed (my mum watches the baby on the monitor so i can go and see him). My mum says things like "sometimes I forget that there is anyone else involved with the baby" meaning her having a dad. And she only ever says the baby looks like herself which i find weird. I am hormonal but I guess yes there is some back story in that I regret moving in and am now in a position where I cannot move out and dad doesnt see dd. I just made a bad decision and am upset with myself for it.

OP posts:

BombadierFritz · 23/03/2016 03:17

Why cant your partner stay over or visit more? Did she say that at the start? Why cant you move out or in with him?
sounds like your mum is used to taking control. Stand up to her a bit and she might back off.

AyeAmarok · 23/03/2016 03:21

Why can't you move out and live with your DP?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/03/2016 03:21

Oh dear, it does sound like your mum is being far too controlling of you and your movements!
That's shocking that she won't let your baby's father see her, and very wrong, unless there is more to this, and he has violent tendencies? But if he's a normal man and no danger to either of you, then he should see her.
I think you should take the baby out with you when you go to see him, so he can see her.

I do hope you can get out of there soon as it sounds like your Mum might just try and take over completely if you don't :(

AlpacaLypse · 23/03/2016 03:25

What steps are you and your partner taking to find somewhere to live together with your daughter?

Original poster

ImYourDaughter · 23/03/2016 03:30

No my mum was fine with it at the start. They didn't fall out or anything but my mum doesnt really like being around people in general or having guests over at the house. My bf moved into a tiny room in a house share after I moved into my mums so that he could save money. But now my money situation is making it difficult for us to find somewhere appropriate

OP posts:

Blu · 23/03/2016 06:59

Op, you are in a really difficult situation, no wonder you are upset.

Here are some things that might help: (presuming that you do want to live with your dp)
Go together to CAB and check what support you would get if you found a small flat. I presume you are on LA / housing association lists?

Have a serious talk with your mum about yours and your baby's need to see your dp / her dad and say he needs to be able to come

Have a range of comments ready: when she says it is as if the baby is yours and hers say things like 'not really Mum, she has a Daddy too' it 'it's lovely to have such a caring Granny but she also needs her Daddy'

It will be hard work: your Mum sounds as if she has not let go of you as her little child, and my guess is she will not do so without a struggle. But you are a grown up, and a mother yourself.

elevenweekstogo · 23/03/2016 07:10

A bit of context goes a long way... There are clearly larger issues at hand here, thanks for explaining.

You need to find a way of letting your DP be involved, your mum isn't right to be blocking access. He's not really a guest, he's (or he should be) an integral part of your daughter's life. You're in a really hard position because it's her house and you need her support but you still need to be a parent making decisions for your child. Keep saving, keep looking for somewhere to start of as a family.

And I mean this in the kindest way possible but your mum is good to help out so much with your little one. Some parents never get any support from family but I know it's a fine line between interfering and helping. Good luck OP.

Roseberrry · 23/03/2016 07:18

You are being a bit sensitive but I get it. Try not to get too hung up on this one moment and enjoy all the other firsts you will have with her

Roseberrry · 23/03/2016 07:22

Oh just seen your update, sounds tense!
Do you think you are feeling a bit territorial over your dd? She's your first baby and your mum (although very kindly and generously) is taking a lot of your motherhood from you. Is there any chance of you finding somewhere suitable to live in the near future?

Bunbaker · 23/03/2016 07:26

Can't you take your baby with you and visit your boyfriend instead? He is the father and has a right to see his child.

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