8yo DD seems to view life as 'glass half empty'

[starjumper]

Anyone else? Any tips?

I am massively struggling to like her at the moment. So bloody wearing.

No big upheavals - she has a good life with nice things but fuck me the moaning. I am currently talking to her as if I'm being filmed by Tanya Byron so I don't say something I'll regret.

She's greedy, impatient and rude.

She's also incredibly funny and clever. I love the bones of her when she's in bed she's polite to to other people, lovely little friends and good school reports. But at home she's like Kevin the Teenager.

Her 6yo brother is more affable and helpful - seems to be like a NT 6yo so I don't think we've got it totally wrong.

We spend time with them separately, are completely fair wrt treats, expectations etc.

If I spoke to my parents the way she speaks to me well; I wouldn't. I just would dream of it.

She huffs and puffs about everything. Today was a trip into town. She moaned and whined about having to walk from free parking on street as opposed to paid car park. It was about 200m. She bought her match attax cards, got new school shoes then moaned and whined about me needing to drop clothes in the red X bin and get boots reheeled. Got them some lunch (from greggs) as we were leaning town then whined as I wouldn't let her eat in the car home was 5 mins away. Complained about having half a shortbread (same as everyone else) as she had gymnastics and we wanted her to leave half for later.

Went to gymnastics, she whined about events etc completely out of my control. Got back in the car. I wanted to collect my boots from town, she whined and moaned. I couldn't be arsed by this point. I cried (with sunglasses on so she didn't know) on the way back. I felt like such a shit parent. Raising a right madam.

Went home. Dh and ds going out for a bike ride. I asked if they could collect my boots. Then he starts whining too. I was really cross and told them how selfish they were. Anyway, dh whisks them off so I get in the bath. They come back then dd wants my bath as she's cold

So no lessons learn today eh?

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Argh!

DS was like this from 6-7.5. He turns 8 next week. He is so much happier now! I feel like we're actually in that mythical 'golden age' of childhood with him now.

We always used to say he had real ennui about life, a sort of Gallic "life is so hard, why do I bother, it's never great, nobody thinks of me, I'll just smoke cigarettes, drink red wine and look sullen and moody" kind of approach to life.

He was a joy at other people's houses. Said thank you, ate nicely, played beautifully. He was adored by teachers for being interested and working hard. But he was mainly miserable, grumpy or whiny with us.

What changed for him was going into Y3 in September at a new school (separate juniors here) with a stricter teacher and more work. He thrived on the challenge and it made him excited and thrilled about life again. He also made physical leaps and bounds at the same time - finally got stabilisers of bike after 3.5 years, finally swam more than 25m then v quickly does through the badges, finally got confident at rugby and scores his first ever try. Life suddenly got good!

He has an underlying happy, uncomplaining nature. So he behaved well in all but home circumstances. Consequently, we didn't know he was bored at school. He didn't know it either. We didn't know he was physically frustrated. He didn't know it either. He just took it out on us at home.

Now he's a joy. He comes home brimming with enthusiasm and smiles, and has invented lots of little projects at home. He laughs. He jokes. He cycles and swims brilliantly and willingly. He is an angel with his little brother. Ok, he's still awful to his sister but even that involves some kindness now :) I love him, still, for who he is and has always been, but I also love him for who he is right now, which makes me so happy!

However this has all happened just in time for his 5.5yo sister to show signs of heading that way, though with added histrionics. Sigh...

I'll get the toddler through this phase just in time for DS1 to hit teenagerdom...

Could your DD be either bored or struggling at school or something else? Her natural good nature may make it hard to spot at school but she may be unwittingly taking it out on you at home.

She'll come through it and you'll get your sunny girl back at some point. I thought DS was going to be a miserable sod for life but the last 4-5 months have proved that brilliantly wrong :)

I think it may be down to being the age where you start to realise not every family is like your own and become generally more aware of other ways of living. at 8 I think children start comparing themselves to others more and really start to think for themselves. In a way it's a good thing that they start to develop their own mind and own thoughts and are becoming more aware of the world but the whining is a bit draining. My ds1(7) hasn't got there yet but my dd is 12 and life really is soooo unfair for her. Usually listing all the things she actually gets that the others haven't and reminding her how good she has it is enough to shut her up.

Thank you for your messages. It's been really helpful.

A few things happened yesterday after school where I really looked at how I have her information.

She asked to go to the park. Long story short I explained in great detail why We couldn't go. I gave her options of what to do instead - trampoline or out on bikes.

It seemed to work much better with a very detailed explanation.

Also looking for opportunities to reward any good behaviour. Sound a bit super nanny but it broke the soundtrack of whinge/snap.

I have no advice just offering support. My dd1 is 10 and exactly the same. We have been lucky enough to provide mostly what she wants, iPads, laptops, play stations yet she still loans, money is tight at the moment as we have literally just moved, but that's not good enough she is monaning because she wants sims for the laptop and I've said no wait for your birthday! She also thinks she is hard done by! So frustrating! Despite stating several times she has much more than I did as a child she just doesn't take it in! She wants it all right now and if she doesn't get it she cries, that's right no tantrum no paddy just mardy crying like a little girl! Ffs! Lol honest! So tiring! She is also like your dd and perfect at school and a nice group of friends etc... Behaviour is just reserved for home! Xx

Not sure if anyone wants an update...

We had a holiday (Spain) and it was good fun, broke the routine and provided plenty of new opportunities. Both dc swam loads and basically seemed to enjoy it. There was whinging in traffic jams, but we mostly ignored it. When we were off to do an activity she'd try her luck and say she didn't want to do it. We just breezily said what a shame it was that she'd have to sit out and watch us have fun. She joined in and conceded that yes, we weren't going to torture her

I still find some her character traits really um 'sinister'? She looks to find fault in her brother say when he's reading and mispronounces a word.

Yesterday she threw a tantrum due to a misunderstanding with turn taking on her brothers go kart. I sent her inside and removed pocket money.

Today ds had a new club so I took dd into town. She is wonderful bright and sunny when things go her way but will then want to leave instantly she's finished her drink.

We collected ds from the club and she's picking holes in his work. She got told off for this obviously.

I don't actually think I'm cut out to be her parent. Most days I actually dream of phoning her dad and just telling him to take her. It's bad and getting worse.

I don't think I'm asking for any advice now really. I'm off to bed but meh - I wish I could just flick a switch and dilute her meanness.

I know I'm a cow btw. Nobody should speak like this about their child.

You know what, my almost 5 year old is a lot like your daughter. He is a lot younger, but is just so damn negative. Everything that doesn't go his way is my fault. He 'can't do it' is a line I hear often. If I tell him he can't have or do something he wants, he will cry and whine and be so cranky. It's like constant crying and whining all day long. Everything is over exaggerated with him. He doesn't want to go anywhere social, and if he does come out with us he's grumpy the whole time and won't talk to people. It's exhausting.

No. No, you shouldn't talk like that about your child tbh.
Picking up on her brother mispronouncing a word is very normal.
You don't like her sorry but YOU need to work on that.
Do you ever just validate her thoughts and feelings? I get the feeling you don't allow her to ever express any negative emotion.

Well. She is allowed to express negative emotion. But when it's all the time? About the smallest thing? No. That's not ok.

Needling her brother for saying 'writ' instead of 'written' after I'd asked her not to interfere? Again - no. She was warned. I was listening to him read. She had her turn. He didn't need to be criticised by her.

She huffed about something yesterday but then actually apologised unprompted when she realised she'd overstepped the mark.

You might not believe it, but I understand it's my problem and I am working on it.