how you "measure" your OH's contribution to your childrens upbringing???

[fannyannie]

Do you base it on how much of their money they spend on feeding and clothing them. Or by how much time/interaction they spend with them and how good a relationship/bond they have????

Just wondering really after a comment on one of my other threads........

time/relationship

money is for the family and belongs to the whole family

the second over the first - but the financial support is part of it too.

You are both equally responsible for the welfare and upbringing of the children.

Relationship all the way - even more than time imo. And definitely more than money, which I would just take as a given because as Twiglett says 'it's all OUR money'.

I don't measure anything tbh

why are you measuring it? i'm not sure what context this is in.

i suppose i would say dh and i contribute equally with regards our daughter.

not sure I measure it either

every now and then, I have a massive explosion because I feel I'm doing too much, dh then does a bit more for a while and it goes back to normal (then repeat ad nauseam).

Since it was my comment that sparked this thread - I'll answer here

I think they are entirely separate issues.

One part of the equation is that they make a fair contribution to the financial cost of raising the children. The second part is that they are involved in the children's lives.

One does not exclude the other.

Nothing about him making a fair contribution to the roof over their head, the food in their tummies or the clothes on their backs, precludes him also still being a fabulous father in all other respects.

Small children don't cost much - wait until they are older before deciding you don't want or need any financial contribution from him!

What foxinsocks said

well dh and i earn the same amount each month. he pays all bills including mortgage. i pay for childcare (2 afternoons a week so not a huge amount), anything for dd ie clothes, toys, activities. and we each pay our own personal mobile bills, car bills and our own clothes.

i work evenings, starting work when dh finishes so we look after dd in shifts. he does bed time every day.

i would say things are very equal here.

but soapy - surely if either one of us was the ONLY breadwinner in the house that would mean that one of us had NO financial input into their lifes????

My dad was the only breadwinner for years - and spent no time with us children (well not time that you could class as time for 'us') - I consider that for those years my mum was bringing us up. It was ALWAYS her that we went to if we fell over,were upset, wanted a moan, wanted to share some news etc etc. Thankfully my father has managed to redeem himself slightly in recent years and we're a bit closer now.

But I'd rather my boys go to either of us (and they're not fussy really - they're happy with me if I'm the only one around, and same with DH when he has them, when we're both together in the house it's 50/50 who they come to) than worrying about who puts the most money in.

That's fine - and it is exactly what DH and I do (i.e. share contribution and care of the children) but you are separating from him and what you seem to be suggesting is that he will share the care of the children but not the financial cost of looking after them.

I think that is inequitable when you have both got similar earning capabilities.

If you're splitting up then ideally children live with each of you 50% of the time and you each keep the children when they are with you and pay the childcare costs whilst they are with you.

If you're together that's a different question.

Interesting divorce law quetsion is that ou can force someone to pay but not force someone to spend 50 hours a week looing after them and yet that childcare has a price. So my ex doesn't pay antyhing because I earn to much but on divorce withdrew I don't know say 30 hours childcare a week but that wasn't a cost I got any compensation for and now he chooses virtually not to see them. Idiot.