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Parenting

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Original poster

I wanted a second child for so long, but it;s so emotionally painful

19 replies

BaileysMilkshake · 02/01/2007 20:55

I have just given birth to a beautiful DS, who has arrived into a family with a DD (3yrs) ready and waiting for him.

DH and I tried since DD was 15 months for a second child and suffered two miscarriages and the loss of my mum in the process. however DS has now arrived safely and I am as delighted a I could be with my little family.

What I am finding hard is having to ask DD to wait for me all the time as I tend to DS or letting DS cry while I give DD some short-lived attention, such as making her a drink or getting out a toy etc.. (DS has a floppy larynx so his crying sounds bad and I hate hearing it all the more for this).

I try to play with her when he sleeps, but in the last few days he doesnt like to be put down. We got his baby gym out today and she played with him on there for a while, until he got bored - and we are lucky that she is a fantastic big sister and very attentive. But she and I are clashing all the time and I am hearbroken. Before DS arrived she was my princess and we were always telling each other 'I love you so much' Since DS arrived I have hardly heard it. I try to speak to her and tell her I still love her, that she is still my baby girl etc, but she doesnt want to come over to me to talk when I am able to without DS in my arms and shouts 'no no' at me.

DH is spending lots of 1-1 time with her while I am with DS, partly because he has yet to gain confidence with DS, though he's getting there and I do try to give her my attention when he's with DS, though there's lots to do round the house as well etc.

DD is going back to pre-school on Friday and increasing from 2 to 3 mornings a week - I feel like I am loosing my little girl.

What can I do?

OP posts:

gothicmama · 02/01/2007 20:58

set aside a special time each week which is just for you and her (dd 6 felt ds 9mths) got all the attention so it is worth letting her know that you do have time for her It does get better as the baby gets older honest

melrose · 02/01/2007 20:59

Not sure what advice I can give a syet to give birth to my number 2 but wanted to reply to say someone is listening and send you big hugs.

How old is your DS? As your DD is 3 can you involve her in helping you with him? fethch things while you are changing him? Sing him songs while you are feeding? (things I know a friend did with her DD when Ds arrived) Or put him in the pram and all go to the park together?

Remember, newborn babies are gorgeous but bloody hard work, it will get easier xxx

hairymclary · 02/01/2007 21:01

i agree with gothicmama.
perhaps your dh could be in charge of bathing ds each evening, and you can spend that time with dd, doing whatever she wants?
also get her to be your helper. putting clothes away, getting nappies ready, just generally doing things with you (but also helpin with baby)

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Original poster

BaileysMilkshake · 02/01/2007 21:08

DS is 3 weeks old today.

DD is very helpful with him, I involve her as much as she wants to, never pushing, but always offering. She loves to help choose an outfit for him, she pats his back when I'm winding him, rubs his head when he's crying. She watches when I change nappies and shakes his rattles and things to keep him amused. She also loves to do her puzzles or have stories in our bed with him beside her just befor bedtime.

As a big sister DD is fantasitc. And I know it is better that all her anger is directed towards me and sometimes DH - but how do I help her - and me get our relationship back?

OP posts:

Walnutshell · 02/01/2007 21:12

Your dd sounds adorable. I'm sure you will work this one out, it's still early days with the new ds so don't be too hard on yourself. Is it possible to have regular daily time together where dh has the baby? Maybe bedtime story and chat with mum? Good luck x

CrocodileKate · 02/01/2007 21:14

Just give her some time and a lot of love.
It's a huge adjustment for her to make but she will settle in the new routine soon.

Twiglett · 02/01/2007 21:15

I have 3 years and 3 months between my two .. when DD came along I made sure I always referred to her as 'your baby' to DS and tried to involve him in small tasks .. he used to take away the dirty nappies in nappy sacks and bring me wipes ...

when DD grizzled .. it would be "oh no, whats wrong with your baby, shall we go and see"

involve your daughter in caring for your son and give her 'ownership'

ballbaby · 02/01/2007 21:16

The first few months are really hard. Give yourself/your dd time to adjust. You might find that it is only when ds is old enough to be "interesting" that it all comes back together again, but don't worry, with your love and attention I'm sure it will. I personally foudn that getting ds2 in a routine very quickly helped - makes life more predictable and means you can set aside some time for your "old" family. Ds2 used to sleep at dinner-time so we could have a nice meal together. Good luck

Original poster

BaileysMilkshake · 02/01/2007 21:21

Thanks for your support and encouragement. I know in a couple of years she'll be coming to me complainging he's squashed biscuit in her dolls hair or something!!

DS has always been referred to as our baby or 'your baby brother' and when rassuring her of my feelings towards her she's my baby girl and he's my baby boy.

I am an only child so have no experience of siblings to draw on, DH is the oldest with a 4 year gap between him and his DB, but sadly he was always excluded when his DB came along to the point where his GP took him home to make sure he got attention.

OP posts:

Walnutshell · 02/01/2007 21:24

I think it's lovely to get them involved in care of younger sibling but (imo!) take care not to overdo it as sometimes the novelty wears off and older sibling needs to feel that it's still OK to be a kid too.
Have you asked dd about her feelings towards ds and towards you? Keep persisting with the 'I love you so much' even when it's not returned, it will be eventually.

Aloha · 02/01/2007 21:25

She's in mild shock. It usually lasts about 10 -12 weeks max and then they sort of forget the baby wasn't always there. You can ride this out. In the meantime, I found adopting a squeaky 'baby' voice to say, 'Oh big brother, I really love you. You are so clever!/I wish I could do that like you etc" made my ds very happy indeed.
Also being out so the baby would sleep and we could chat and do stuff was good. And I had a free nanny from a nanny college three days a week for a few hours which gave me one on one time with ds - that was great. A sympathetic friend who could hold the baby or take him for a walk while you play with dd would have the same effect. It will be fine!

poinsettydog · 02/01/2007 21:39

It's strange for everyone having a new person in the house, especially dd. And you're hormonal. It will all settle down, you will all soon be used to each other. You're doing well.

Original poster

BaileysMilkshake · 02/01/2007 21:39

The other thing I was going to add which is making this more awkward is that DD has never managed toilet training, and as DS birth approached DH and I decided not to push it as we knew there would probably be some regression etc anyway. However she has done the opposite and now manages to wee successfully in the toilet a couple of times day - and as I write this it dawns on me this is probably a attention seeking tool - as it does get us away from DS and earn her positive praise and stickers.

However she has also started crying for an afternoon nap everyday which she gave up around June last year. She only has a dummy at bedtime and they are kept in a drawer in her room until then, but if we are not watching she grabs her dummy and bear and takes herself off to bed. And an hours sleep in the afternoon means she is up 2 hours later at night, which when woken by DS at 6am means she is even tirder the following day. But without the afternoon nap she is more ratty and we clash more.

There is just so much going on with her right now - I am so proud of her, which I tell her, but so sad to loose our closeness at the same time.

OP posts:

Aloha · 03/01/2007 00:41

You won't lose your closeness. It is a blip, honestly it is. Why not compromise on the nap - let her go up (ideally a bit earlier) and wake her after only 40mins. If she is tired then it will affect her happiness and behaviour so you will only clash more. Let her have all her baby things - the dummy, the blanket, the lot. Baby her - I sometimes used to rock my three year old and croon at him as if he was a tiny baby . Lots of children regress a bit. You wait, after a few more weeks it will all be different.

andaSOAPBOXinapeartree · 03/01/2007 00:53

Awww bless! It is so hard with a new baby isn't it?

I think if you really want to (and I sense that you do) you can divert yourself from the clashes with your DD a little more - perhaps a bit more distraction - perhaps DS gets to grizzle a little longer - perhaps you do the squeaky voice thing that ALoha talks about. If you want to, you can do it

Whether you choose to or not, I think you should set aside 30mins a day to spend totally devoted to DD. To play with her uninterupted - take her for a walk, cuddle, chat, sing - whatever floats her boat IYSWIM. DH can take over the baby for 30mins - it must become your sacred time, which no-one can get in the way of. Believe me, 30mins goes a helluva long way for a small child

And as Aloha says, you will ride this out- and before long DD will forget that there was ever a time BBB (before baby brother) and will just accept it as the norm.

cruisemum1 · 03/01/2007 11:34

I havent read all the posts but I had the same with dd age 8 when ds arrived 16 weeks ago. She had been on her own for so long and was 'our number one girl' with all hte obvious attention that goes with it. The guilt I felt was enormous but things have settled down and she is a fantastic big sister. In fact, she got used to not having my undivided attention far quicker than I go used to not giving it to her iyswim. I did feel like I lost a part of her when ds arrived but then the joy that ds has bought to our lives has been so great that I have had to get over that 'loss'. We do miss our cuddles on the settee in the eve and snuggles in bed at the weekend but ds has added a fantastic new dimension to our family and I wouldn't change a thing. One thing which I found really helped the transition was to keep all dd's boundaries in place - bedtime was still bedtime, rules still had to be adhered to etc. etc. This made her continue to feel cared for and secure (at least I think it did! hth and good luck with your little cherubs

Original poster

BaileysMilkshake · 03/01/2007 16:24

Thanks everyone, as I write DD is sat on my lap, counting all the emoticons and DH is feeding DS.

Today has been much better - DS has slept for a nice long period and DH and I have both played with DD - all together. We have taken down the Christmas tree, done laundry (which she loves to help with), made some of her craft stuff she got for Christmas and played some of her games. Am having a much more positive day !

DS is awake now and she has helped me change him and playd with him on his baby gym.

CM - all her boundaries are still inplace, bedtime routine etc. And somethings have improved with her like eating and as already mentioned her toilet training!

OP posts:

Pitchounette · 03/01/2007 16:44

Message withdrawn

cruisemum1 · 03/01/2007 17:24

Then you are doing fantastically! WEll done

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