Where have the child-centred, attachment parents gone?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

There used to be so many like minded parents on here when my DD1 was a baby and toddler. Now it seems like every thread asking for advice about a tantrumming toddler or pushy preschooler is instantly met with cries of 'she's just a brat', 'you sound weak and pathetic', 'you're just the kind of parent we all hate', 'I'll probably be flamed but he needs a slap' and similar. Then more and more posters pile in to agree.

There are fewer voices in support of the child's emotional development, acceptance of difference, understanding that some children need different approaches.

There doesn't seem as much thought as there used to be.

I have never head of someone suggesting smacking a child on here. Quite the opposite in fact- if someone did suggest it they would be, quite rightly flamed. I reckon everyone except those "practising" it are just sick of hearing how non-child-centred and detached they are from attachment parents.

Tbh I think signing up to one brand of parenting is a bit dangerous because it takes away your ability to respond to different situations in different ways for different children if that makes sense? I know parents who are trying to be 'attachment parents' whose kids just run riot and knock lumps out of other kids in the process.
I practice quite a lot of attachment parenting techniques because they work for us as a family - we've co-slept, baby worn, baby led weaned etc but I also use the naughty step which is like a devil to 'attachment parenting'. I just figured out what works for us.

I don't think labels help and I don't think trying to follow one way helps. I think some children just need bloody disciplined tbh. As a primary teacher I'm seeing the result of the hard core attachment parenting and it's not pretty!

Wow how offensive so of we don't do it your way we are not responding to our children's emotional needs or accepting their differences.

You don't sound weak and pathetic you sound closed minded and judgy.

OP, I think the answer is simply that parenting techniques change over time. When my eldest (who's 10) was born, no one had heard of attachment parenting, then suddenly it became a 'thing', now it's dropped in popularity again. Not because it's 'wrong' but just because a new expert has written a book or whatever prompts these different phases.

Scatty, I'm interested to know what results you're seeing (because of the child I mentioned who is in counselling).

I think perhaps it's more about posting styles than parenting ones.

I didn't make my point clearly enough. It was just meant to be an observation about what I perceive to be a general change in perspective on the site.

I don't think I criticised any 'type' of parenting in my OP, nor did I claim to be any type of parent myself. I haven't ever, in fact, referred to myself as a '... Parent'.

For the PP who claims that attachment parenting caused trauma in a child she works with... Can you refer us to the scientific evidence? It seems very far-fetched and opposed to any evidence I have read.

A great book is Margot Sunderland's 'The Science of Parenting'.

No but you said "dd" in your op and usually on here that means you're a parent?

I don't think pp claimed that statistically or scientifically dc of ap need counselling. I think it was pretty clearly an anecdote. Although I don't think it's totally beyond reason to think that if a child has been completely tied to one carer, never been left, babysat,nursery etc until the age of 4 then they would find it very distressing to go to school.

I think the whole ap thing might have peaked around when ds was born, 2.3 years ago. There were several mums adopting it as a parenting method. The vast majority quietly abandoned it over time.

Anecdotal I know but I know one mum who took the term 'attachment parent' extremely literally and was adamant at following attachment parenting to the letter, rather than doing what suits their child best. The result is an extremely 'high needs', demanding and sometimes violent child. I know DC's can be difficult at times, my eldest can be extremely taxing at times. But I do believe that if she'd been a bit more flexible in her approach to parenting, possibly been a bit firmer in terms of discipline (obviously not smacking but not just 'talking it out' either) she could have perhaps made life a bit easier for herself.

I don't think all children of 'attachment parents' turn out this way, I just think it's much more sensible to go with the flow and do what works, rather than subscribe to one style of parenting, even when that particular method clearly isn't working.

Lorelei mostly I just mean lack of discipline. People seem to confuse attachment parenting with not disciplining their child or ever saying no to them.

OP I follow attachment parenting style - I don't know if you do Facebook but there is an attachment parenting group on there - -very helpful.

I follow attachment parenting because the basis of my job often deals with the psychological impact of negative/ difficult / over involved attachments with parents upon adults mental health , happiness and ability to have healthy relationships.

Some of the more modern baby / child rearing advice relies on techniques that create fear and sense of abandonment.

Patron I was talking about one incident, that's all.

Scatty, thanks.

My 3 dc were all completely different if something happened to work for 2 it wouldn't for the other.
Something suitable for one, completely unsuitable for other 2.
You have to adapt to suit the needs, do something different, change your attitude and be open to change.

I unknowingly did attachment parenting with our oldest. Had never heard the term and didn't set out to do it. He started school at 5 having deferred, until then. No problem settling at all.
He is nearly 25 and has always been average, run of the mill, text book baby, steady eddy. Not a single problem from him.
I think this is personality, a bit of nurture and nature. I don't think it's any particular method, but the one that worked for him. We certainly didn't plan how we were going to parent.

Cockwomble, I don't have Facebook but thanks for the suggestion. Interesting what you say about work - in my job I work closely with children with attachment disorders so see the effects at an early age.

Your title suggest that only AP is child centred, which is wrong.

Lots of people, as their babies get older, realise and own parenting technique doesn't work all the time or for every child.

Dd responds better to more gentle parenting and talking about things. Ds needs clear boundaries and rules.

Sometimes you have to change the approach with both children depending on the situation.

The last time I checked the supermarket thread. One person had suggested smacking the child and the majority said that wasn't ok. So I don't think that thread is a good example.

I generally stay away from AP threads, because (while I would say it was similar to the way I parented dd) lots of APs do give off the smug 'I am right you are wrong' vibe on their posts. Like calling it child centred parenting. As though anything else isn't.

I also find in RL that a lot of people got AP wrong, didn't discipline and so are struggling with older kids and changing parent techniques to fit with their child now. My sil is a prime example. A very vocal advocate for AP, but her toddler is a bit of a nightmare and it's not helping. She doesn't recommend it anymore.

It was a parenting style that suited some, but not everyone so has dropped in popularity.

AP was only ever a faddy name for 'paying attention to your child', something which most people do anyhow.

That's probably why the threads have vanished. There is usually a fashionable parenting theory on the go, and they come and go. Because children don't come with a manual, and one trendy theory is only ever going to be a straight jacket.

But parenting books will continue to sell.

I don't really like parenting style labels because I think they tend to be more divisive than helpful, but I had certainly heard of attachment parenting 10 years ago. It was probably a bit more niche in those days, though - people used to stop me in the street to ask about my sling because it was so unusual.

I really hate the assumption that AP is all martyrdom and lack of rules, though, which is probably partly why AP types tend to hang out together, so that they can have social events where children are included. Setting boundaries, high but age/child appropriate expectations of behaviour and letting children have responsibility are all pretty basic parts of attachment parenting, but you'd never think that from reading some of the comments here.

I've seen the posts you're talking about OP. I was on a horrible thread in AIBU just a few days ago where the OP was being ranted at and told she was a bad mother and yes a slap for a 4 year old was recommended and agreed with by others. I agree that there are more and more of those kinds of posters about too.

Last time I had a nosey on an ap facebook site pretty much every discussion was the same, "my 36 month old still bfs 3/4 times a night and I'm exhausted" followed by "you're doing well hun"!!! There were some "well done you" stickers advertised. They were for adults. I hope that the site isn't representative of all ap!

AP types tend to hang out together, so that they can have social events where children are included.

See this is the type of thing I was talking about.

One person labelled themselves as AP in our family. However children were included in all family events. I am confused by the thinking that if you don't AP, children are not included.

I am also not say all AP let their kids run riot. However lots of APa haven't got it quite right (we all get stuff wrong) and that's how it's ended up. Those parents wouldn't recommend it to others in the long run.

I used to identify as AP but I don't any more as I can't find a way of doing it that doesn't entail a load if people jumping on you either for judging them or failing as a parent, often both.

I still am attachment focused in disciplining my two and occasionally offer that perspective on threads. You get a lot less derision if you don't say that you ap or anything like it but you still attract ire from the my-way-or-the-highway types for doing such apparently ridiculous things as believing your attention seeking child might need some attention. So nowadays I hardly bother posting.