speaking my truth - anonymous thread

[purplestarrs]

I don't feel close to my children. They make me mad and annoyed when my instruction is not followed.

I'm afraid I don't know what to do most of the time, like I'm an imposter. I should have been born sterile .

I have so much guilt as a mother and I hate myself that I am not doing the best . I'm trying. When I was a single mother of three for a year. Did I go crazy? Maybe a little.

Ange . Rage. Rage. Rage. WHY WONT YOU JUST LISTEN! Little boys who constantly question fighting, speech delay, brothers who bite. Scream. I wish I could give u a whopping.

But I am physically abusive. I don't punch or bruise. I grab, put down rough. Scream in little faces and want to kill myself afterwards. Open my teeth to bite with glaring teeth. Holding back the act but sucking on it like Hannibal.

I don't deserve them. Providing their survival everyday all day is not a fair trade for moments of madness.

Sweet kisses on cheek, snuggling perfect little miracles that I do not deserve.

I shame myself every moment I can not confindently parent or be patient. I have no more kindness left inside me to share with my children.

This is my shame, to be a mother when I did not know it did not suit my personality and temperament.
To see the beauty and worth in front of me and not being able to excel. I need more love.

When did I lose my heart?

Sorry I really don't know what to say but I didn't want to read and run.

It sounds like you are really struggling and at breaking point. Do you have any support? Do you have breaks from your DC and time to yourself to do things you enjoy? It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed and this is coming out in how you handle the children.

Have you been to your GP? You may well be depressed and it sounds like you might benefit from a talking therapy and maybe medication. You don't have to continue without help.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like this and that I can't offer more helpful advice but I hope someone else will come along soon. In the meantime

Where is the children's father? You sound exhausted and worn out but this isn't a healthy situation for any of you.

Do you have help? Time for yourself to relax, do exercise, a walk, a cup of tea in peace? Are they still very young? Maybe you should try to get some counselling? Perhaps some yoga or other relaxing activity?

I found this book very helpful

How to talk to children so children can talk to you.

It is not easy and we all try to do our best but it looks as you need some help; please go your GP. Do you eat well ? Take vitamins, take some time for yourself? Maybe even some blood test may help to ensure you are fit and healthy or if you are lacking something

I have a couple of friends who have described feeling like you do. Isolated and under tremendous pressure, in circumstances they never imagined they'd find themselves in, with no resources left. They have found this organisation a great help: www.handinhandparenting.org/event_category/uk-4/

What's going on in your life to make you so on edge? You need to find support and need someone to take some of the parenting strain. Another parent or your parents?

Screaming in a child's face and going to bite them then stopping at the last minute is very frightening for them. You probably are aware of this but I have to make that clear. I'm not kicking you whilst you are down. I'm just saying you can't do this anymore and need to find a way to stop.

What could you do at that moment when you feel that red sear of rage to stop and calm down? Perhaps you need to walk into another room and sit down and take 10 slow breaths. No matter what is happening that makes you so mad. Stop getting to the point where you are losing control. Find time to yourself. Get routine in place so the children aren't losing it. Get more breaks for yourself. Is there anyway you can see your way to this?

What would you like to do?

By writing here you are already doing a lot and recognising there is a problem. I am sure with the right help and support things will improve.

Also, don't fight against what you have to do. Making tea, bed times, getting dressed. it all has to happen. But find ways to make it easier.

OP, have you considered CBT? I think this could help you stay calmer when they misbehave and deal with things in a different manner?

Get as much support as you can and try to get some time for yourself, easier said than done I know.

Open your teeth to bite? That must be quite scary from a child's perspective........you know they will grow up to replicate your actions with their own children, even be abusive to their future partners etc

Get help, anti depressants can help keep you calm.

If you do nothing recommended on here at least fake depression so you can see if the pills calm your own temperament

Sorry I'm not sure why every one is going so easy on you, this was very difficult to read and I would suggest you are not safe around your children. This doesn't sound normal, safe or natural to me and upset me reading it.

Sorry but I also agree with tea. If you were a man talking about a woman you'd be flamed. You also wrote this at 4am. There is something more to this.

I wonder if you forgot you posted this or are too embarrassed to return? I hope not, you sound in a dark place.

I picked up on speech delay, biting and screaming. Do your children have autism or SEN? That can be a lonely, difficult place, sorry if I'm off the mark.

Come back, talk, people will listen and help.

I think you are scared by the enormity of what you are doing. Do you have any support, a partner or family?

FGS sometimes a person is hard enough on themselves.

Yes I am a monster at times, but I am also a great mother at others.

My shame has become apparent as an obstacle in my healing journey. I felt the need to write out an expression of my pain. The voice of the habits I have created when I am under pressure. Every mother is also a woman and in turn a person. Hard wired for survival.

You can sit snug in your nursery, custom painted as you cradel your child safely, all securities satisfied. You can point your fingers and tell me im abusive. Yes I know this and I know that I need to change. But really what might some of those judger's know about anything that forces you to live at survival instinct, when it is literally parenting in fight or flight mode. Consistently.
You wear down. Day by day. Until you are a nub.

If I did not love my children I would have no need to live under stress. I would float along as a bachelorette having droped my children off like clothing donations to the state.

I struggle everyday because I am swimming with my three children on my back, trying to stay afloat, giving my all to reach the end of each day. Worrying about the levels of each area of their development. Hitting daily markers of routine alone. Breakfast. Dressing. Coats. School run. Daycare. School lunch school. School pickup. Daycare pick up. Homework. Dinner. Dishes. Bath. Bed. Tidy. If I can shower this is my treat.

Their father has been in and out. He has substance abuse and emotionally abusive tendencies that I have called quits because of.

But the cycle keeps repeating.

Because when you are a mother of three. Shit is going to be hard. With or without a father present. Sometimes being emotionally fulfilled by your partner doesn't hold the same weight as help with raising 3 boys aged 6, 3 and 1.

I asked him to help me. And he has moved in. I was a single mother of three for a year, then I started to slip into dissociation and rage. I knew I needed help. I asked for help. And my brother was diagnosed with ms the same week.

Now he is moved in, ready to start anew with me - drinking habit and all. Thankfully he is a calm and happy drunk. And I keep reminding myself that I need him here and cannot mentally do it without him.

It eases the need to fight. Calms the questions.

Ok, so whilst he is there the boys aren't asking where he is and that gives you a bit of breathing space.

Now, you need to use the number one tactic when you are feeling this low: fake it til you make it. It is the best way to go. It will ease your guilt when you feel like you are going to explode inside, you put on the mask and smile like you don't care.

It sounds impossible, but it is the best way forward until you actually start to feel better.

So, this is what you do. When you feel like you are reaching the end of your tether - at bed time, or bath time, or getting ready for school - then you walk into another room (don't leave 3 or 1 year old in the bath - take them out and put them in a towel) and you stand in the middle and close your eyes and breathe. You take 10 breaths, slow and steady and allow the anger to rise out of you and the calmness to wash back in. Then you return to your boys as if nothing has happened and carry on with a smile if you can manage it.

Do this every time you feel that broiling rage start to bubble or that flash of anger. It doesn't matter if you are running late or feel this has to be done now. Stop what you are doing. Walk into another room. Stand in the middle. Breathe 10 times slowly and steady. Give yourself a moment of peace. Walk back to what you were doing refreshed. You don't have to explain to anyone where you went or what you were doing.

Once you feel like you have regained control and you are not peddling like mad trying to keep everyone afloat, you can look at your life and how you can start taking steps to regain some control over it.

Is the 3 year old at preschool? Organise this if not.
Can you get childcare for the 1 year old at least once a week?
Have you got family nearby who might be able to have you over for tea once a week? Ask them. You need a break.
Can you do a chipshop tea once a week? With little ones you can share chips and get 3 sausages between them.
Build these little routines that make life easier for you and give your boys some happy memories.

Don't forget, just because that was the way you were with your boys, does not mean that the calmness won't have a massive effect. Today is a new day. Forget about the times you got so angry. Let it go. Let yourself move forward with it.

I remember being in your place. When life seemed like a struggle. It was a struggle. it was bloody hard. I was knackered. My dd wanted to stay up. In the end I realised I had to build structure and also just let some things slide. It was like I had things the wrong way round. I would try and stick to bed time rules but not get up early enough to make sure we had a nice calm breakfast time. I flipped it around. I would let her watch a dvd if that was easiest to get her to sleep. I got up and made sure we had breakfast at the same time everyday. When a certain cartoon finished it was time tot get dressed. When the next cartoon finished it was time to switch the telly off and go. I did what was good enough. And the structure and routine became fun. It would be chippies day today. Shortbread wednesday as a little treat she could look forward too. Then I was fun to be with and calm and she was a lot calmer and appreciated the routine. Bedtime then became much easier.

Deal with the partner issue when you feel strong enough and have implemented your new structure.

So:
-walk away, breathe 10 slow breaths, come back calm
-fake it til you make it
-use the tv to let your boys know what they have to do in the morning. Such and such has finished - it's time to get dressed. Such and such has finished it's time for shoes and coats. every morning. predictable.
-have little treat days. Thursday is chippies day. Wednesday is chocolate brownie day. Tuesday is park day. These are mummy and boys days
-get childcare for the younger ones so you can have your own time in the day for rest or recupperation
-let some things slide and build structure for others.

Just wanted to add OP, that I've got PND and I'm getting support with this and I feel it is helping.

The circumstances with your ex are the something more I was talking about.

Are you in the UK? Can you call your GP or health visitor tomorrow? Or speak with someone at school.

OP, I hope today is going better for you all.

I think you need a break
If there is anyone you can leave the children with then talk to them and say you are worn out and hopefully they will help

Children are exhausting, we all feel worn out at times.

Time away from the kids will help fix that though and also mention to your go how you feel and hang in there