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Parenting

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Original poster

how do i...

12 replies

NENEandLEXI · 30/12/2006 19:35

hi i am new to the forum and am seeking advice on parenting. no not mine, but on everyone elses. of course i know it takes a village...but really, how much "help" can i use. everytime i go over to my boyfriends house all i hear from the time i step in thedoor till the time we leave is 'take that kids hat off, get her out of that seat, wake her up, put her down, why doesnt she sleep, shes spoiled, why breastfeed when you can give a bottle...' i mean every choice or decision i make on her behalf is scrutinized and deemed not right. i want to be nice, i want my baby to have family, and i dont want to make my boyfriend crazy, but this nit-picking is driving me crazy. any advice on how to tastefully and politely turn down all this unwanted advice? this is mt first baby, so i do have a lot of questions but no one gives me the opportunity to ask. any advice will be appreciated.

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Tortington · 30/12/2006 19:37

mumsnetters will give you the answers to the questions.

i think just calmly saying " hay, that's enough" to the nit pickers - if you are not usually proactive with being vocal should be enough.

DontFoxesDragOn · 30/12/2006 19:40

Smiling serenely and then ignoring them helps.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 30/12/2006 19:44

say things like 'is that what they used to do?' 'is that how they used to tell you to do it?' 'funny how things change isn't it?'

i finally shut my MIL up when she was saying 'in my day..' i replied as nicely as i could 'but it's MY day now.'

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Original poster

NENEandLEXI · 31/12/2006 00:21

thanks for the suggestions.i cant be timid and shy about my feelings when i know i am doing the best for her. im sure all new mothers have to put up with some of this when they are just starting out as parents, and i just have to put my foot down. dd is number one priority and i shouldnt worry so much about hurting feelings, but i do. suggestions were very helpful, especially the last one. i think that will maybe quiet all the critism.

OP posts:

Katy44 · 31/12/2006 10:49

I'm due in April and am dreading this. Thinking about it before it's happened, I assume it will be easier to handle (less of a big deal) the quicker you do it.

Carmenere · 31/12/2006 10:53

I developed 'filters', I went into automatic smile and ignore mode. Unless someone is particularly pissing you off it is best to smile and ignore imo.

Carmenere · 31/12/2006 10:55

And if it is an older relative just lie and say 'oh the health visator said I have to do it this way' as older people generally have a disproportionate respect for people in uniform.

hippmummy · 31/12/2006 10:57

It never really goes away but thankfully it does get better, especially the more confident you appear and the older the baby gets.
Just keep smiling inside and remember its not you - its all about them! Parents, ILs and others of their generation think that a new baby gives them free reign to give unsolicited and sometimes unhelpful advice.
I think it helps them justify their own parenting choices...

Munz · 31/12/2006 11:01

how old is DD? (not that if gets any easier I think you just get more confident with the baby etc)

basically I smiled sweetly and said yes no yes no and then picked what I wanted to listen to - ie when J was 3 weeks I took him into next doors house (mid feb) with just a shawl wrapped around him no hat or anything and his clothes etc but no coat, MIL was mortified and said don't you want a hat on - my responce was no i'm only going next door now thou he can't go out to the car without his hat/mittens on.

ooh and agree with the yes but now they say x y and z etc. and for the BF - had sort of this arguement I said something along the lines it was because I lvoed doing it - and more more I felt pressured into stopping early the more I dug my heels in and carried on. so that back fired. sleeping wise, when they start on with the pick up etc take DD away form the situation and settle her to sleep yourself, and if they do ask, just say nicely but firmly there's a lot going on for her now and you don't want to up set her for later on.

ooh and a word of warning never - and I mean NEVER wake a sleeping baby up when they're v v young - I do now at 10 months if he's not awake by 2pm as we don't like him having an afternoon nap any more, but that's another case.

failing all of those my old fave one - which I nearly said was 'he's my baby I know what's best for him!' or you can do my other one talk on the phone upstairs with the baby moniter on downstairs to your mum askin q's on BF, and what you should be doing etc and then say yes I thought so but apparently i'm doing things wrong' doesn't make for a happy environment but it took that for us all to be able to move on! lol.

Original poster

NENEandLEXI · 31/12/2006 19:42

dd will be 7 weeks old...guess we all really did have to go thru this. guess its nice that everyone is so worried about her, and by all meams i am no baby expert...lol. i think i will take the suggestions, and perhaps reminding myself that everyone just wants the best for her...i do not want to come off as a know it all, but i wont be a push-over. people treat you how you teach them to treat you (sometimes). thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

LittleMonkeysMum · 31/12/2006 19:50

Hi,
I found it very hard to stomach advice, esp from IL's. Very annoying, out of date etc. AS time passes, and they see how well the baby is doing it calms down, and you can start to say things along the lines of "well, whatever I'm doing seems to be working" etc.
Munz, why NEVER wake a sleeping baby up? DD is now 14 months old and do wake her up when she oversleeps in afternoon, but just wondering why the same doesn;t apply to a newborn. I have to say I didn't really do it with DD, a friend of mine has been a bit of a GF nazi and often woke her LO in the day and her LO's sleeping through and has been since very early on. My DD on the other hand doesn;t sleep through at all! Due to have DC2 on 14th Jan, just wondering about strategies for new one. Thanks x

Munz · 01/01/2007 07:43

LMM - mainly cos the H/V told us to do it with J at 8 days old - ha never again the boy was so unsettled and screaming we couldn't do a thing with him - all he did was scream, we left him be and do as he liked and he went back to being fine and dandy/contented. I wake him up now at 10 months if he's sleepin and don't let him have any late naps either - bit of a sleep nazi now- but he sleeps on a night anyhow. he sleeps thru now which is why he's down to one nap and 1.5 hours sleep during the day with 12/13 hours at night.

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