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Parenting

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Original poster

Really suffering at the moment

10 replies

anonymousse · 30/12/2006 17:38

My eldest is being really horrible to me at the moment and I feel like a little kid at school even writing this (hence the anon).

He has started making a big thing out of saying 'I love you Mummy, but I love Daddy more' and other things like this. If I suggest he and I do something, he will make a huge thing of saying no and wanting his Dad. He is five and a half.

I made a special effort to stay out shopping with him this afternoon while his Dad and his sister went home. On the way home he asked me how old I was as he had forgotten. When I said my age he said 'oh that's much older than Daddy, but I don't mind that you will die first'. I showed no reaction but asked why and he answered 'you know Mummy' in an exasperated tone, then went on to explain to me again that it was because he loves Daddy more than me.

I guess I've made the mistake of reacting sadly in the past when he has said things like this (he started last summer when I was pregnant with his baby brother and feeling very hormonal). I am trying not to react now but I did have a chat with him last night saying that I really didn't like him saying these things to me. I then had a think and decided that it probably wasn't for the best if he started repressing his emotions like this, so I had another chat and said that it's natural to feel like this sometimes, but that he must be careful how he tells people things so he doesn't hurt them.

I've been feeling very low recently, mostly due to tiredness because I have two other children as well, one of whom is only a few months old. Plus, I don't exactly have enormously high self esteem, so these comments really hurt. I get a big shouty when I am exausted (and I have been really shattered recently coping with the school runs and very little sleep, DH being away with business etc). I know he doesn't like it when I am impatient or shout, but I have quite a lot of my plate at the moment (other stresses not detailed here) and really do try my hardest to remain calm.

He's quite an excitable little chap so I'm not sure if it is an attention thing due to the arrival of his baby brother. Then again, he has been quite a Daddy's boy since the arrival of his sister. The other problem is that I find I am trying so hard to build my relationship with him and I don't want it to detract from my relationship with his sister, who probably really is suffering because of the arrival of the baby.

I KNOW not to react, I know he is only five etc etc, but it still bloody hurts.

Has anyone else been through this? Any tips anyone?

Thanks for getting this far in my ramble.

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Twinklemegan · 30/12/2006 17:42

I've no advice for you as I've not reached this stage with my LO yet, but I just wanted to say "poor you"! It must be so upsetting.

iota · 30/12/2006 17:42

I'm sorry that it's getting to you and making you sad - IME most kids do something similar - they know how to push your buttons.

I always tell mine that I'm going to sell them on ebay and get a nice little girl instead ( I have 2 boys)

brimfull · 30/12/2006 17:44

I can understand how you would be hurt by the things your ds says to you ,but I still think you should ignore these sort of comments.He sounds jealous and wants a reaction and to hurt you.He will have to learn to cope and I am sure he does love you.Try acting the oppostie to him by telling him how much you love him whilst ignoring the nasty remarks.

Try not to let it hurt,he's doing it because you mean so much to him.

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Original poster

anonymousse · 30/12/2006 17:53

I forgot to say - his sister is starting to copy him in her behaviour too. I can just see all three of them 'hating' Mummy and wanting to be with their Dad all the time (would do crying smilie if I had time to look one up).

DH doesn't really respond when all this goes on. I'm worried they will think he is condoning it but he thinks they will do it more if he makes an issue out of it. I think it is all exacerbated because he is so calm and laid back and I'm the one that charges around (imo) organising the house and making things happen .

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MordecaiAliVanAllenOShea · 30/12/2006 17:58

He is going to say these things because you are the one he sees most often, you are the one who gets irritated by him when he won't get ready for school/ do up his shoes/ eat his carrots etc. Therefore he says he loves daddy because daddy is around less often to discipline him.

My ds (5.9) says this occaisionally. I give him a big hud and say "Oh that's a shame becuase Mummy loves you a huge amount!" He then looks at me in a puzzled way but obviously it goes in somehow. This seems to difuse the situation.

SmileysPeople · 30/12/2006 17:59

I've had similar thing with my DS1. When he was about 3 he used to come out of nursery scowling at me becauce he wanted Daddy! At the time I was devatated, so know how you feel.

But now with time past, and listening to your story I have more perspective. Of course you're DS loves you, he wouldn't want to test you like this if he didn't. He may actually prefer Daddy at the momment if daddy is more cheerful, kids are quite fickle like that e.g. they like whoever has the sweeties best!
But that is superficial the deep love between parent and child is much deeper and more complex than that. This will not last(although it may seem to go on forever).

I'd advise, always answering cheerfully (if you can muster it) 'well mummy loves you so much', and then moving the conversation on.

I know how hard it is though, I remember questioning whether it was because we did contolled crying with him as a baby. seems ridiculous now, (he's 6 and likes me best at the momment) but I tortured myself with this thought.
Hope that helps a bit.

SmileysPeople · 30/12/2006 18:04

My DH used to try to help because he knew i was upset by saying why don't you do that with mummy?' made it worse as DS would cling to daddy saying I don't want mummy.
And if he ever did this in front of other people it was so much more devastating!!

I remember my dad being the fun one and mum just busy(washing nets and peeling poatoes) and moaning. RL friends and I talking about this the other day, but as you get older you appreciate your mums so much more.

At 5 who cares who makes the bed and puts the washing on? I want a piggy back and to play fight!!(at least that's what my DS's like to do)

Original poster

anonymousse · 30/12/2006 18:14

Thanks all so far.

'Daddy', of course, is so much better at lego, watching things like star wars, pokemon, thunderbird videos etc which, if I am honest, I find a bit dull. I've even sat down with him this Christmas and helped him make up a complicated helicopter. Unfortunately I was a bit slow ... and of course Daddy is faster !

I don't want it to turn into a competition between DH and I, but it's heading that way

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SmileysPeople · 30/12/2006 18:21

You're in this for the long haul. So give up the competition for the momment, let Daddy win, things will change and flutuate over the years.

poinsettydog · 30/12/2006 18:36

Aw, poor you! You've got a little baby, don't take it hard, you'll be out of the game for a bit. They probably do feel a little bit ousted and you know yourself you really do not want to be building lego towers and playing at Star wars - you've got enough on your plate. So accept that dh does those things.

Of course your kids love you. Just try to remain bright and don't react to the comments. Or just say happily 'I love you very much' and move on to something else.

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