another bad mummy thread - I'm damaging my DD's confidence :-(

[Sugarmagnolia]

In most ways I accept that I'm not a bad mum - my kids are pretty well behaved, they get great reports from school & nursery, they have lots of friends, they say please and thank you, we tell them we love them and make sure to praise them for good behaviour and all their little acheivments; they eat an ok diet, even if it does contain the occassional McDonalds, my house is cleanish etc, etc. For the most part i don't beat myself up that everyone else out their is doing a better job than me.
...BUT, there's one thing I do that I'm seriously worried is going to do some long term damage to my DD (5 1/2) and I don't know how to stop myself.
As I said, she does get lots of praise for anything from making her own bed without being asked to sharing with her brother to doing well in school or swimming or whatever. But then as soon as she makes some little mistake I can't help but criticise. If she's tried to get herself dressed and brushed her own hair but there's still knots in it I can't just tell her well done - I have to point out the knots and fix it for her. If she tries to get her own breakfast but spills some milk because it was too heavy for her I have to tell her how silly it was not to wait for ME to do it for her instead of praising her efforts. If she bangs the car door against garage or does her seatbelt wrong or insists on bringing a toy with her to the shops and then drops it in the mud or a million other things - the words out of my mouth are always "Why did you do that" or "Why can't you just wait for me" or "What's the matter with you".
How is she ever going to learn to trust her own judgement and have any confidence in herself if every time she tries something I give her a hard time. Why can't I just keep my flipping mouth shut?

Well....it sounds like the things that make you feel critical of your dd are minor irritations rather than really big things. And things that you have to deal with having thought to yourself that your dd was doing them...which is a bit annoying.

It's only natural to express that irritation but it's not particularly helpful in terms of teaching your dd to deal with stuff independently. So don't be too hard on yourself. Try doing one of those classic 'stop before you speak' things, like counting to 10 before you respond and just giving yourself time to work out what is the most helpful response to your dd.

Also if these things happen at a time when you're under time pressure, like getting ready to go out in the morning, it might be worth re-jigging your timings to give you more time to get ready and to accommodate your dd and the help she might need. She still needs help even tho she is v. much learning to be independent.

She sounds like a lovely girl - she must be a credit to you!

Sugarmagnolia, I could have written this post. I'm exactly the same as you with dd1(6) - praise for all the good things, but as soon as she tries to do something on her own and doesn't quite get it right, I'm "down" on her straight away. I know as soon as I say something that I should have kept my mouth shut, and feel terrible for acting this way. I have no advice for you - but I will be keeping an eye on this thread (I hope that's not going to be a thread killer!) Good luck.

Thanks roseylea. I KNOW saying these things to her isn't helpful as most of the time she's not really done anything wrong, I just can't seem to stop myself. Almost as soon as the words are out of my mouth I wish I hadn't said them.

The other problem is that although she does still need help she doesn't want it! She's very stubborn and very independent and as much as I keep telling myself that these are traits to be encouraged I'm having trouble changing my own behaviour.

Hey kandu (sorry kando, I read that wrong - I guess you haven't actually named yourself after toilet wipes! ).

It's good to hear I'm not the only one. Do you think it's anything to do with being first children? I'm a first child and so is my DD and I think that makes us both very stubborn and twice as likely to lock horns, so to speak.

BTW, she does have her moments when she behaves genuinely badly and then I don't feel guilty for being hard on her -this is something totally different if you see what I mean.

I know Sugarmagnolia - I really must change my name as every time I see it I think of that little purple and green box!! (It's actually the initials of my eldest dds - dd3 is now nearly 11 months and I STILL haven't changed it!)

I think it may well be something to do with being the eldest. I'm an eldest too and always felt I was being "hard done by" and that my other sisters got away with far more than I did! I think part of my problem is that I seem to expect her to be more grown up than she actually is, because alot of the time she does act grown up. Does that make any sense?!

I don't actually think that you are doing anything wrong. I am the same with my dss. If they make a mistake I also point it out, without being critical and going on about it. It's good to praise but it's also good to be honest.

Well you have to be really honest with yourself.

Are you unhappy in yourself and that's what you're doing when you are overly critical of DD? IF you are then there are issues to be addressed - if not then just learn to count to ten and get things in proportion.

I agree with kando. We all have to watch ourselves with our eldest as the tendancy is to think they are older than they really are. One challange with parenting is not to be a perfectionist for yourself or your family. So what if the house is a mess and the kids are scruffy. J

I can be like that too but I find starting with a positive like "Good try" helps before pointing out where they have gone wrong - positive followed by a negative is much more effective than a negative on its own.
Also taking a deep breath and thinking "in the great scheme of things does this really matter" can help stop you saying it in the first place.

Yes, I think a lot of the time it is a case of thinking that because she's the oldest & quite mature she should know better - and maybe she does - but at 5 1/2 I suppose that doesn't mean she has to get it right all the time.

(BTW, that bloomin' Renault is driving me mad!!!)

I've just read and excellent book called 'how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk'. It gives you ways of dealing with these things in a non-critical/positive manner. I really recommend it though like any book of its kind, it's one thing reading it and another putting it into practice ...

I actually have that book - I read it ages ago and thought it was very good. Maybe I need a little refresher.

My FIL is like this and so is my husband, but less so. If one of our dds does something 90% right they praise but then have to mention the 10%. I let my FIL get on with it, he's too old to change but my husband I gently point it out. However I have become more relaxed about it. We are all different and our children need to know this. There are different approaches to life and as long as the adults who influence them are not all the same, I think it helps them become more rounded adults. When they get into the big wide world people will treat them like this.

If you are aware you are doing this you can try and moderate it but it is how you are, nobody is perfect.