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Parenting

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Original poster

CONTINUAL FIGHTING OVER THE SAME TOY

12 replies

frenziednester · 28/12/2006 17:44

DS 1 is 3yrs 3 months, DS2 is 18 months. They continually fight over the same toy - it doesn't matter what one of them is playing with - if they look up and see the other one is playing with anything else (even an old tissue) they have to go and try and take it away. Loud shouts of 'mine' follow, tears and beating each other. I have read "siblings without rivalry" and do try the empathy and negotiation with DS1, but DS2 is far too young to understand. Again, he doesn't understand the toy being taken away either. Any suggestions? I know that some degree of fighting is normal, but as keen as I am to teach them to negotiate and problem solve, I do not want to get embroiled in every little thing (I am just about to drop my third). This is all new territory for both me and DH - I am an only child and he had a big gap between him and his sister, and they never wanted to play together anyway.

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SenoraPartridge · 28/12/2006 17:50

ouch. ds and dd do this, and I usually negotiate more with her because he doesn't really understand - he's nearly 3.

But in general I find distraction of one or the other works better than negotiation. even at 4, dd doesn't usually respond that well to reason (and she's very sensible and clever in other things). also having similar toys helps, and I now almost always enforce the "the one who has it first plays with it" rule, which means we only have one screaming child and not two at least....

Original poster

frenziednester · 28/12/2006 17:53

yes, I like the idea of halving the assault on my ears!!!

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Jackie2kids · 29/12/2006 12:52

Mine are the same ages. Generally whoever has the toy first keeps it and try to distract the other. We have introduced swapping which ds (eldest) is v keen on. He gives dd another toy and if she lets go of original toy (which she usually does) he can have it. We do this if she has one of his toys (power rangers usually) which he needs for his complicated power ranger game. J

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danceswithreindeer · 29/12/2006 12:58

Not much advice but sympathies, mine are the same age gap but a few months older and we have this allllllll the time too (sigh)
It's hard to reason with either of them sometimes and like you say I don't want to be dragged into everything. Usually I just ignore it unless one of them is deploying the 'I'm being hurt' shriek. I'm such a caring parent...

ballbaby · 29/12/2006 13:03

My two ds's are like this (nearly 4 and 16 months). The little one uses his head to barge the other out of the way to get to the toy and the older one usually ends up in tears!!! Toys are only worth playing with if they need to fight over them!

lillaura · 29/12/2006 17:16

my lil girl is 3 1/2 and my lil boy 17months its eactly the same constant fighting then wen they get the toy they been fighting over the plonk it down and dont play wiv it till the other as another shot at getting - there has been alot of conviscated toys in my house i can tell u

kittyschristmascrackers · 29/12/2006 18:03

sounds pretty normal stuff

Mercy · 29/12/2006 18:12

Frenzied, as Kitty says sounds pretty normal to me too! We have the same in our house - and mine are older.

Siblings without rivalry? I can't believe they exist!

amphion · 29/12/2006 22:44

You could try actually re-inforcing the natural pecking order - the older one gets things because they are older (and tell them this) - although it seems unfair to us children accept it as being quite natural. Hopefully what will happen is once the older one is secure in their position they will be able to feel generous and share whith the younger one. Also, when you buy things, try to buy two which is what I do in my work as a childminder.

Original poster

frenziednester · 30/12/2006 16:17

Interesting idea - but it is usually the older one who snatches the toy from the younger one in the first place. I am not sure I should reward in those circumstances. Also a lot of my toys are second hand, or pressies, and I cannot afford to duplicate everything.

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amphion · 30/12/2006 16:32

I agree, I was thinking more if you didn't know which one was 'in the right'. You can still help with the pecking order thing by making sure the older one gets served food first etc. I know it seems strange to us with our ideas of equality, but you have to show the older one that there are benefits to being the older one, and stop the younger one from usurping their position, otherwise it is a constant power struggle.
Do you have a lot of toys around? I remember feeling like putting them all away sometimes! Also, is there somewhere your older one can do things like playdough without the younger one interfering?

justamum · 01/01/2007 23:25

I was about to start a thread about this, mine are littler, ds is 3 at the end of the month and dd is almost 9 months. I know he is too little to really understand sharing but how can i stop him from being so rough with her? She has just started cruising so the latest thing is just to push her over. She doesn't ever come to any real harm and I am more worried abut being too hard on him so I just wondered if anyone had any good tips. I like your idea amphion!

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