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Original poster

How do you refuse a play date?

44 replies

SevenSeconds · 07/02/2016 07:53

DS is 10. Ages ago the mum of a boy on his class (let's call him Ted) asked me if DS wanted to come and play, I said yes and we arranged a date. When I told DS he said Ted is annoying and he didn't want to go. I made DS go, as I'd accepted the invitation, but I said he didn't have to go again if he didn't enjoy himself.

I then didn't reciprocate as I usually would, obviously I know this is rude but I didn't want to encourage another invitation.

Recently Ted's mum emailed me and asked if DS could come and play on a certain date. I said he wasn't free (which was not true). Now she's emailed again asking when DS is free. WWYD?

Ignore the email and don't reply
Say something like 'we're really busy at the moment, I'll get back to you' and then never do
Tell the truth - that DS doesn't want to come and play with Ted
Make DS go
Another option I haven't thought of

You may think this is a silly thing to worry about, but I'm a polite person and I'm finding this really hard! I feel sorry for the mum who is just trying to help her son make friends.

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BertrandRussell · 07/02/2016 10:11

I suppose I expect quite a lot of my children. By 10, I would expect emotional intelligence, kindness and a bit of empathy. I would certainly expect them to be able to tell me why they didn't want to play with q child who clearly wants to play with them, and unless that reason is bullying or unkindness or something, I would expect them to be able to behave nicely to someone else, even if they weren't their favourite person for a couple of hours.

zen1 · 07/02/2016 10:16

"Yep. And plenty old enough to to be aware that some children find life harder than others and to be kind."

Absolutely. Yes, at 10 you do know who you want to play with, but if you are the 10 year old nobody wants to play with, it is hard.

Bin85 · 07/02/2016 10:17

I think you should have Tim to play at your house and then you can see if he is annoying and why .
Have some exciting activities to do that your son will enjoy.
Supervise / keep an eye etc
It will either go well and your son will realise Tim isn't so bad or it won't and maybe you can tactfully give Tim's Mum some feedback which will help Tim socialise better.
I feel sorry for Tim and his Mum .

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zen1 · 07/02/2016 10:19

If you have lots of successful friendships, spending a couple of hours a term with someone you may find annoying (provided they aren't being mean, bullying you etc) shouldn't be a great hardship.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 07/02/2016 10:23

Technoremix's reply is hateful!! Whatever you do, don't send something like that (I'm sure you won't op, you seem far more thoughtful and considerate).

If, in the end, you decide to decline on your son's behalf I am sure you will be a lot more gentle and kind in your email.

starry0ne · 07/02/2016 10:24

I can't for the life of me see why a 10 year old should have to go to someone's house he doesn't like...

I like the reply of sorry we don't get much chance for play dates..Also he did go once and you said he doesn't have to go again...

Why does OP have to assess if he is annoying to her DS he is.. I like some of my DS's friends (8) more than others however I don't get to choose...They are not my friends.... Does your DS have plenty friends?

Theendispie · 07/02/2016 10:27

We need an explanation as to why your DS doesn't like Ted. Plus why did you accept an invite without asking your child?

If you are going to turn this down do not text the woman or email do it face to face after school and break it gently.

littleducks · 07/02/2016 10:29

I think it would be kind to say that you don't have time for playdates at the moment but have a trip planned to the cinema/bowling in half term and would Tom like to join.

Justchanged · 07/02/2016 10:38

I'm the mum of a child like Ted. He has ASD and few friends but would love some. He spends all year planning his birthday party as that's the only time he really gets friends to play with him outside school.

When my son had no one to play with in year 1, I tried to do something about it by speaking to a mum who seemed friendly and asking if her son would come over to play. She visibly panicked and refused and it took me well over a year to have the courage to ask another child to play. (the next time went really well, incidentally). We've had lots of playdates which weren't reciprocated, but that wasn't anywhere near as upsetting as outright refusal.

So my advice would be this. Outright refusal is just cruel, but equally I wouldn't make my child go. Just say you're busy - half-term and other commitments is fine. She'll get the hint but without it being as upsetting as saying that your son doesn't like Ted.

Bin85 · 07/02/2016 10:42

Ted not Tim ( or Tom!) Sorry.

pleasegotowork · 07/02/2016 10:52

I'm also a polite person and would definitely not outright refuse. I wouldn't make your son go to his house. Maybe this boy is annoying or maybe he just is finding it hard socially. Either way, I'd invite him for a playdate to your house and see what the dynamic is like between the boys. And if he IS annoying, then you can politely say next time that you think they don't get along too well.

I would be putting myself in the shoes of this boy and erring on the side of kindness.

Pteranodon · 07/02/2016 11:05

I'm really surprised you accepted the initial play date without asking your son if he wanted to go

Pteranodon · 07/02/2016 11:07

It's not very kind to your own child to expect them to host someone they don't want to play with. I'd ask mine to consider doing it but it would be his decision.

BertrandRussell · 07/02/2016 12:10

Yeah, well. I think my kids should put themselves out a bit to help other people.

Viviennemary · 07/02/2016 12:16

I agree with somebody's suggestion to take them out somewhere you can keep an eye on them. If you'd rather not you could say something like they don't seem to be getting on too well at the moment shall we leave it for a bit. I don't think I'd say you're both busy. Everyone can find time.

SuckingEggs · 07/02/2016 19:56

Simple: say you're really sorry but you're busy but will let her know and also that they're not getting on too well at the moment.

If your DS doesn't like him, please don't force him to go. It's a waste of life.

starry0ne · 07/02/2016 20:08

I wonder ho many people on this thread, go out coffee mornings with people they find annoying?

SuckingEggs · 07/02/2016 22:11

Not more than once!

WalkingBlind · 09/02/2016 04:54

I couldn't tolerate the company of someone I find annoying but that is my personality I suppose. Sometimes people have no friends for a reason.

I wouldn't be accepting another playdate at either house if DS has made it clear he doesn't want to. You can still be polite to Ted's DM by saying you "think at this age they are best left to form their own friendships" or that "he has a lot on but i can get back in touch when i know if he's free"(surely she will ge that hint, I wouldn't message again after that).

Maybe Ted is just like his DM and they both have a habit of not realising when someone doesn't want to interact? I would class that as annoying and so would a child. I think you have done more than enough the first time round, don't make yourselves miserable for other people no matter how nice it all is, it can be quite draining.

Imagine if there was a second playdate, Ted turned out to be intolerable and his DM thought they were now close friends and pushed for even more contact

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