3 yr old eating habits - what is best way to go forward

[TuTu]

3.5 yr old DS has been a "poor eater" for last couple of years, with small appetite and gradually reducing range of things that he will eat. He has always been thin (currently weighs exactly 2 stone, with his little brother who is 2 years younger only 2 lb lighter).
Have tried various approaches to get him to eat. By 6pm today he had only eaten 1/3 bowl of cheerios and 2 bites of sandwich at lunchtime. So I tried to coax him tonight to eat some of the ham joint I had cooked, promising a dessert if if ate a good dinner. He voluntarily ate 3 spoons of mash and then said "that ham makes me cough". He has not had it since last Christmas, but he has had coughing incidents before where he throws up after about 3 coughs. I told him he could get down then if he was finished. He asked would he get his dessert and I said no. He then said he would eat more dinner. He ate one more bite, and then asked if that was enough. I ate a couple of small chunks off his plate for him and he matched each of my bites, like a little game. Then he started to cough, and within 30 seconds had vomited.

He has done this before when he has eaten something he didnt really want to eat, and the cough stops the minute he has thrown up. Probably happens once or twice a month.
Want to start anew tomorrow with a fresh approach as so dont want him to develop this "coughing" further. All advice/experience appreciated.

My ds,now 11,was exactly the same,and we found it infuriating.Eventually we decided it was Attention seeking behaviour and decided ti ignore it,but only really gave him things to eat that we knew he would eat,IYSWIM.Eventually the list of foods he would eat grew and now he eats almost everything.It seemed as though there was no point being awkward about eating if nobody took any notice and treated his fads as normal.Have to say though he seemed almost afraid to eat some things.
Only our experience,but HTH

My ds,now 11,was exactly the same,and we found it infuriating.Eventually we decided it was Attention seeking behaviour and decided ti ignore it,but only really gave him things to eat that we knew he would eat,IYSWIM.Eventually the list of foods he would eat grew and now he eats almost everything.It seemed as though there was no point being awkward about eating if nobody took any notice and treated his fads as normal.Have to say though he seemed almost afraid to eat some things.
Only our experience,but HTH

My ds,now 11,was exactly the same,and we found it infuriating.Eventually we decided it was Attention seeking behaviour and decided ti ignore it,but only really gave him things to eat that we knew he would eat,IYSWIM.Eventually the list of foods he would eat grew and now he eats almost everything.It seemed as though there was no point being awkward about eating if nobody took any notice and treated his fads as normal.Have to say though he seemed almost afraid to eat some things.
Only our experience,but HTH

Thanks for the reply - when you're in the middle of all this its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.
If DS was left to his own devices he would live on plain pasta, plain rice and dry bread. He had previously eaten spicy curries, garlic chicken, and all kinds of tasty foods but now we are down to such a small number of things that he likes. Even with these, the quantity he eats is very small

My eldest ds was similar. Very faddy. We encouraged him to eat a variety of stuff but he wouldn't entertain most things. He was about 13/14 before he started to 'try' different things. Now at 19 there isn't much that he won't eat. Our ds3 is the same and at 14 still has a quite limited diet. However, he is beginning to introduce different foods although we are not quite there yet.
I wouldn't make an issue of eating meat etc then 'deserving' dessert. I would let him eat dessert first and then maybe try something else afterwards for now. Otherwise you are turning sweet stuff into a reward and so implying that you agree the other part of the meal is to be endured to get the reward. Some 'desserts' can be made quite healthy. Fruit salads, custard and things like that.
On another note, my dad always had an aversion to meat of any kind. Any attempts to get him to eat it as a child usually ended up with him gagging or actually vomiting. At 73 he still can't tolerate meat. It hasn't done his health any harm.

we have one of those too! I do mostly now just feed him what I know he likes but every so often put something new on his plate.

We had the "being sick" thing as well which was so frustrating

I have got myself very stressed about it but have finally come to the conclusion that it is simply not worth it. I think he has improved a little (he's nearly 5 now) but it has been problem since he was about a year old.

You're not alone TuTu - I can't imagine that there's a parent out there that doesn't have some empathy with you - hang in there - he won't starve and wn't get malnutrition if you continue to offer him healthy food

Jules....got ourselves into this "reward" thing of dessert against our better judgment. Knew it was wrong approach but have tried it anyway!
Its comforting to know others have been through this and come out the other side!

All DS ate today was a bowl of cereal, a few mouthful of spaghetti hoops for his lunch (normally loves this), and a few bites of his dinner (again offered his favourite of tuna/sweetcorn/rice). I just let him get down as soon as he said he had enough, but that just seems so little for a whole day.

Well if he feels that's enough for him today then it probably is. The day will come when he will eat you out of house and home I wouldn't worry too much at this point. In fact you could say that it's good that he is self regulating his intake. The things he is eating are a good range "a bowl of cereal(cereal probably fortified with vitamins, most likely had with milk), a few mouthful of spaghetti hoops (there's your carbs and was it in tomato sauce)for his lunch (normally loves this), and a few bites of his dinner (again offered his favourite of tuna/sweetcorn/rice(proteins and carbs again) and that's just the obvious.) He will get hungrier and then he will eat. I would only be concerned if he starts to lose weight or becomes lethargic or lacking in energy.

good point juuule. When I worry about DS1 I look at him and think - well he might be skinny but he's way taller than average for his age and very bright and doing very well at school. He can't be undernourished!

Exactly Taller than average? (must be taking something in to grow tall) skinny (what you mean like a whippet? that can't be bad), bright? and doing well at school? Doesn't sound like your ds is missing much to me, Tommy.

My 3.5yr old ds is about the same weight as yours and has masses of energy so can't be starving. He lives off thin air and jammy dodgers. I don't worry about it. IMO kids eat what they need. J

TuTu my DD was the same too I think it was around. But at around age 4 - 4.5 we had a conversation about what different foods give you, and had a simple child friendly food pyramid. We also just ignored any coughing behaviour. As long as you try everything on your plate you can have "afters" Now at 5.9 she eats a much larger range.

Thank you all! Great to get reassurance. His 2 year younger brother eats me out of house and home, so I've one at each extreme!