How do I stop feeling like I'm crap at everything.

[StarChaser99]

I have a 2yo DD and I work part-time in a pretty stressful profession.

Since going back to work after having my DD I have basically been written off by my team. I feel like they have decided that part-time means not committed so I am missing out on all of the decent work. I was really doing well before having DD and now I feel like nothing I did before Mat Leave even counts. It feels like I am being sidelined. I know all about discrimination etc. but a grievance is not a viable option and most of the people are work with are (childless) women. So in short, I feel like the career I have worked so hard for is now completely shit and that I am failing at work.

On top of that, I feel like because I work long hours (on the days I am there) I am knackered all the time so on my days off I feel like I am not doing enough with DD. I try and think of ways to entertain her but I worry that we spend too much time just in the house. Also, she has started to get really clingy when I do go to work which has made leaving even harder. So I feel shit at the mum thing too.

The house also feels shit, on the surface it's reasonably tidy but if you scratch that, there are so many jobs that just need doing and I can't seem to get round to doing them and so I feel like I'm failing domestically too.

I am bickering all the time with DH because we never spend any quality time together and I feel like he needs to do more with DD and around the house. So I feel pretty shit at the wife thing too.

I don't really know what I want anyone to say about this, other than to maybe tell me to get a grip and get over it or something. I just don't want to feel like I am crap at everything any more.

You're not crap at everything, you're just feeling crap at the moment. If I were to read your post from an outsider's view point then:

You've retained a foothold in the career you loved, it's just timing for when you're back on top again. Yes, you're tired, but that will pass.

DD adores you and, as you're part-time, you get to spend more than just week-end time with her, (small children often don't want to be 'doing' they just want to be around you).

Even with working and focusing on DD in your spare time the house looks good, you'll get round to doing the, not fun, 'deep dive' stuff later, when you've planned it with DH.

Only downside is you'd like to spend more time with DH - but that could be arranged - babysitter or family/friend favour once every now and again?

Essentially: you're doing well, you're not an impostor, you just need to be kinder to yourself. It will get better.

Thank you Moonlight that has really helped and you are totally right. I need to change the way I look at this. My DH often says he thinks I bully myself and am constantly assessing that I am not good enough by some impossible standard I set myself. Your post has given me some perspective on it so thank you.

I think this is pretty much part and parcel with having a career and small children, unless you are really lucky, sorry OP.

Mine are 1 and 4 and I went back to work three days a week. Sometimes I think I could just not turn up to work and no one would notice. I used to be on a fast track career path but last week I was offered a new role working for the person who is doing the job I used to do before I went on my second mat leave. So an actual demotion.

I'm pretty much resigned to my career being on hold till I go back up to five days a week. I'm going to try hard to stop it actually going backwards though.

Can you afford a cleaner? We have one who is so amazing, sometimes I am moved to tears. She cleaned the inside of the bathroom cabinet this week, it looks beautiful

And don't fret about doing too much with your dc. We try and make it out of the house every day but we rarely do anything very exciting. Small children don't need much, just your time.

And bickering with your dh is pretty normal at this stage too. Do try and be kind to each other, it pays off in the long run. We don't spend much time alone together but we agreed a while ago to always go to bed together at the same time so we have a nice chat in the dark before going to sleep. Find a little space to listen to each other every day, even if its just for 10 mins.

I'm pretty sure no one else in your life think you are crap at anything. You're still adjusting to a new set of standards, that's all. Lower them as much as you can get away with!!!

RNBrie this is exactly how I feel about work. I work 3 days a week too and it's like I don't exist. They have done exactly the same in terms of job role as well, whilst it's not an official demotion, they essentially gave my colleague my job when I went on mat leave and are on the cusp of promoting her above me because she is doing my job!!! So I feel like I have been demoted too. I get angry at the injustice of it, but then I feel guilty for feeling bad about it because I don't regret having my DD one bit, so I should just accept my life choices and that my career is just paused for now. It was my choice to work part time and I wouldn't sacrifice that time with my DD.