Just lost it with dd

[prufrock]

I am finding it very difficult to cope with my 2 year old dd. We've had lost of upheaval recently - new house, nursery, baby but everything has now settled down. Her bhaviour is really not that bad - I just can't cope with it. I so enjoy my Mondays and Tuesdays when she is at nursery and I can spend the whole day with my super-easy ds, but I feel so guilty for feeling like that.

DH was working from home yesterday, which screwed up our entire day, and it ended up taking me 1 hour to get her to sleep at lunchtime. Today it tokk 1h 45 minutes, and both of us were screaming and crying. She just would not go to sleep, despite being tired, whilst I was lying with hre (which is our normal method and usually takes 5 minutes) so I evntually left her in her bedroom,a nd she sat on her bed screaming for Daddy and then for "Tella" - the hated MIL. At which point I lost it and screamed at her to shut up and burst out crying myself. Which of course woke up 3 week old ds.
I eventually got her cuddled back to sleep - and she will now proabaly sleep for 2 hours, but ds is now awake (bf as I type), so there goes my chance for a break. I know it's stupid and unfair of me but I just feel so resentful towards her or making my life difficult, even though I know logically that she's not doing it on purpose. And I don't actually like her very much at the moment - even when she does lovely things like bring me one of every different coloured flower in the garden I just felt annoyed that I had to stop feeding ds so I could take them from her.
Until today I do think I've handled my feelings quite well - I'm following aloha's brilliant and oft-given avice to "act as if" but it isn't yet working in making being a good parent to her less of a chore. I did apologise for shouting and told her that I was just very tired and that I loved her very much - but I have an awful feeling that come Wednesday today will repeat itself. How do I stop that happening?

Does this little anecdote help anyone?

Conversation with dd1 this morning:

Me: 'Daddy and I went swimming when you were in my tummy'.

Her: 'In your tummy? With Baby?'

Me: 'No, just you. It was before Baby.'

Her: 'Was I lonely?'

I still go up the wall with two of them, honestly, I do, but it DOES get better.

I'm a mum of four children and no I am not a supermum, just a stubborn fool who has always wanted four children and went through with four pregnancies regardless of how difficult life with small children can be. I keep thinking it will get easier one day, but friends with teenagers just laugh knowingly! Anyway, what I wanted to say is this: the hardest time (apart from when you first have number one baby) is when you suddenly have to juggle two babies. You have to accept that number one child can not have your undivided attention any more, and, what is more to the point, number one child has to accept that too. I think three weeks in is very early days still, especially for your dd. I don't have any advice on how to cope - just pace yourself and don't expect too much of yourself or your dd. It is normal to go off your first child when number two comes along - that doesn't last long. And, despite what I said at the beginning, it must get easier otherwise it would be impossible to have three or more children. Just wait until they are both old enough to communicate with each other. There will quickly come a day when the two of them will entertain each other, especially early in the morning, allowing you and your dp to have an uninterrrupted lie in - as long as number three hasn't been born by then! Good luck.

Haven't read whole thread but just to add my support and empathy. DS1 (now 2y4m) decided that he didn't want naps any more but then, after a couple of weeks, he went back to them. At the moment, he has a nap 1 or 2 times a week. If he hasn't had a nap I really try to take them both out in the double buggy and he will often sleep. It is just really exhausting as I don't get my 2 hours with DS2 or a break from both of them. We don't use any childcare so no break there either. Sometimes, by 4pm I'm so knackered and stressed that I'm counting the minutes until 6pm when I can take them up for a bath and I'm in the home stretch. Having said that, it is better now (DS2 9m) than it was at the beginning - hang in there!

Prufrock, Arabella, where are you geographically? I really, really found meeting up with mum friends (esp. other Mumsnetters) helped me put my "suddenly finding my older child smelly, dirty and annoying" feelings in perspective. It's so normal, as others have said here. And it really does get better - 3 weeks is awfully early, you're both still recovering from the birth.
We've all bawled out our older child many times and then felt bad about it - Aloha's post about the seductiveness of rage and then the wretched guilt afterwards is so true.
Sending you both, and Judd, lots of positive vibes. If you can both get more help, do it. I had it so much easier as ds started school when dd was four weeks old but the nights and weekends were still hard, and I really feel for you all.
PS Finding your baby irresistible soon wears off, trust me

I'm also finding my over-lively 2 year old dd2 rather incompatible with 4 week old dd3. This morning dd2 went off to nursery after 3 days at home, it felt like the best moment of the week! I feel bad cos dd2 is lovely and good company now, if you have boundless energy. I definitely don't enjoy the days I have 2 year old and new baby together, it's grim.

but it does get better, my 4yo dd1 and 2yo dd2 are fine together, best friends and play really well.

Well some of this has made me feel better, and some worse - but thank you all anyway.
It is good to know that it is completely normal to find my big girl less entrancing than her brother - I thought I was a really terrible parent for this, but if it wears off I can cope. And I'm so glad other people are going through the same stuff - misery loves company, But I really shouldn't have problems - I'm not being overly hard on myself because things really are back to normal -I'm physically feeling great, and only being woken for 3 1/2 hour feeds. And today, with dd in nursery and ds asleep I feel like a bit of a fraud for asking for your sympathy. (dh can't do night feeds www, I'm only expressing one bottle a day for him to do late evening, and he is putting dd to bed) I think that might be part of the problem - she's spending lots of evening time with him and really enjoying it, so wants him during the day as well. It was making me feel left out, but when she woke at 3am having terrible nightmares it was Mummy she screamed for

I've sent dh off to buy a Cd player today so she can just go to her room and listen to nursery rhymes. If she wants to fall asleep she can, if not (as on Sunday) she can just rest. The good thing about that is that she was asleep by 7.40 last night so dh and I got an evening to ourselves.

I have to phone up about M&T groups today. Really not looking forward to those (I don't want to be like ks and turn into a pod person) but figure dd needs the interaction and running about time. (Why can't she be like me and fill all her socialisation needs with Mumsnet?) I'm in Bishop's Stortford Marina - and missing London horribly - not everything, but I used to be able to walk to Canary Wharf in 5 minutes - now it's 20 minutes to the nearest shop, and without a car (I start driving lessons again in 3 weeks) I'm a bit stuck in the house.

sobernow - I would love dd to sleep by herself - the sleeping is the only real flashpoint between us because I just get so frustrated. But I really don't want to be horrid and do cc at the moment because then she really will hate me, and I haven't as yet heard of a foolproof method without cc. Sunday lunchtime I did manage to not lose it, but I counted to ten so many times, and after 1 1/2 hours gave up and walked out - she actually stayed in her room for another 20 minutes perfectly happily singing to herself (Whilst I ranted quietly to dh about how awful she was)

Georgina, Judd, Arabella (and anyone else going through this) Lots of hugs and good luck

The answer is probably no if you are 20 minutes from the shops, but can you get to the station? Why not come on down and show us all ds over a nice lunch in the City on dd's nursery day? We'd love to see you.
It doesn't matter what else others have to cope with (and "worse" ) right now. If you feel you are having a crap time temporarily, then you are, and you are entitled to sympathy and support, as are all Mumsnetters in distress. You've been very good to lots of people on here, kindly sit back and let fond thoughts wash over you. OK?

Thank you all the people who have taken the time to post on this thread! I know in my heart of hearts it will get better and probably quite rapidly....
One of my best friends, who sadly doesn't live anywhere near me, had her second child on the same day as me and we frequently text each other the "it will get better" mantra.
One of the brighter points of this for me is that I'm discovering again how fab DH is. He sees things so differently to me, takes things a lot less personally, and is brilliant to have around.

The thing is, everyone tells you that a second child is a lot of hard work, but until you get there you really don't understand what they mean.

I am really struggling to cope at the moment due to the incredible awake baby - it's reaching almost farcical proportions. We had this great idea yesterday to go out for a drive for the afternoon nap so ds2 would actually get some sleep (this was around 3.30pm and he'd been awake despite our best efforts since 12.30pm). Bundled the kids in the car, aimed for the library but drove around the block a few times just to make sure. Got to the library.

Opened the back doors - ds1 was fast asleep and completely unable to rouse him. ds2 was still wide awake. Dh runs in to drop the library books off (overdue today) only to find that we were 3 minutes late and it had closed. Continued driving around until 5ish and the baby was still stubbornly awake.

It's really impacting on my relationship on ds1 because ds2 hardly sleeps during the day. I never get any alone time with him.

I start each day thinking that it's going to be better today then by the evening I'm sick of having children stuck to me and I just want to retreat somewhere where I can be all on my own for a month or two...

morning geo, Sorry your having a bad time, with no sleep.

My ds2 was awake every 2 hours when he was first born and that carried on for a while. Is your dh supportive, can he not give you some time to yourself or ds1?

Sorry not much help. How old are you kids?

Ds1 is 3 years and ds2 is 3 weeks (well, will be on Tuesday). Dh is pretty supportive most of the time but to be honest we're both so knackered at the moment it's just not going well.

I took ds1 out to Tescos this afternoon after putting ds2 down for a nap and leaving dh with him. Got back 20 mins later and ds2 is screaming, dh has a friend he's chatting to downstairs and just comments "oh yes, he's been awake for ten minutes or so" leaving me to go calm the baby - not particularly relaxing

oh crikey, georgina, that does not sound fun. otoh, it's only been 3 wks, so there is plenty of time for things to improve. i bet it feels a lot longer than that to you though

Georgina - I can really relate to the wanting to be alone thing... That is how I feel as well - also because ds seems to go to bed very late due to his long nap in the day so there never seems to be ANY time when either ds or dd isn't there awake. Sounds terribly nasty doesn't it but we all need some alone time. Having said that, at 10 weeks now dd seems alot easier so things are settling down a bit. Where did you say you lived? I live in NW London if that's any good to you and you would like to meert up (and anybody else who would like to).

I'm in Worcester

And now to top it all, ds1 has gone down with some bug - got a raging temperature and is even more clingy (poor mite). Please God don't let ds2 get it...