Just lost it with dd

[prufrock]

I am finding it very difficult to cope with my 2 year old dd. We've had lost of upheaval recently - new house, nursery, baby but everything has now settled down. Her bhaviour is really not that bad - I just can't cope with it. I so enjoy my Mondays and Tuesdays when she is at nursery and I can spend the whole day with my super-easy ds, but I feel so guilty for feeling like that.

DH was working from home yesterday, which screwed up our entire day, and it ended up taking me 1 hour to get her to sleep at lunchtime. Today it tokk 1h 45 minutes, and both of us were screaming and crying. She just would not go to sleep, despite being tired, whilst I was lying with hre (which is our normal method and usually takes 5 minutes) so I evntually left her in her bedroom,a nd she sat on her bed screaming for Daddy and then for "Tella" - the hated MIL. At which point I lost it and screamed at her to shut up and burst out crying myself. Which of course woke up 3 week old ds.
I eventually got her cuddled back to sleep - and she will now proabaly sleep for 2 hours, but ds is now awake (bf as I type), so there goes my chance for a break. I know it's stupid and unfair of me but I just feel so resentful towards her or making my life difficult, even though I know logically that she's not doing it on purpose. And I don't actually like her very much at the moment - even when she does lovely things like bring me one of every different coloured flower in the garden I just felt annoyed that I had to stop feeding ds so I could take them from her.
Until today I do think I've handled my feelings quite well - I'm following aloha's brilliant and oft-given avice to "act as if" but it isn't yet working in making being a good parent to her less of a chore. I did apologise for shouting and told her that I was just very tired and that I loved her very much - but I have an awful feeling that come Wednesday today will repeat itself. How do I stop that happening?

poor you. You are still exhausted from the birth and probably up half the night with your 3 week old. My dd is 2 and a half and I have 'lost it' with her fort he same reasons - she plays me and hubby off against eachother too which makes me cross.The key is that you know she can't help it - she probably wants your attention which is much less available now ds is around.Sounds like you need some rest.Don't worry you are normal and so is she.My dd sometimes pushes and hits me and actually says 'I want you to cry mummy'- so you are not alone.Good luck.

HOw much are you sleeping atm (if that's not a stupid question)? Are you depressed, do you think? Can you plan ahead to how you might tackle the anger you feel bubbling up before you get swept up in the tide? eg if I start to feel angry we will go out for a walk/I will phone X/I will make a joke/tickle her. Anger is a seductive and quite enjoyable emotion while you ae experiencing it - it's just afterwards feels dreadful, so IME you need to have plans to tackle it before you get to the screaming stage. Is this just a bad day do you think or is tiredness and stress getting out of hand generally and that's why you can't cope atm? If so, then I think you need to get help so you can sleep a bit more and de-stress. Would it help, for example, to have a friend round with a child the same age as your dd, so they can play and you can have adult company. Being knackered does nothing for anyone's temper.

Prufrock it's such early days with a three week old baby and I am amazed you feel 'everything has settled down' three weeks in. Give yourself a break. I've posted before about how hard I found the first few weeks when my second child was born. You are all adjusting, your dd included. It is really common to feel you want to be with the baby rather than your more demanding older child so don't feel guilty. It will pass - when the baby gets more demanding you'll yearn for your chatty engaging little toddler! My ds dropped his lunchtime sleep almost as soon as dd arrived (he was 2.5). I think he still needed it really but just didn't want to miss out on anything. I just went with it and put story tapes on in his room instaed with the door open so we both got a rest but he still felt like I was around and not doing exciting things with the baby whilst he was asleep!

My advice would be to see if you can get some extra help so you can a) have time to yourself and b) give your dd some one to one time with you. I found this made all the difference - it is hard coping with a baby and a toddler and you sometimes need to be reminded just how lovely it is to be on your own with the older one. She will need that too.

I went through exactly the same with my dd when my ds was born - there is 2yr 4mths between them. I resented her for interferring in the time I wanted to cherish my ds - the time that she had when she was a baby.

She used to climb on my shoulders when I was BF, and everytime the phone rang, she would start screaming. Basically she was jealous, any attention even bad attention from mum is attention. At least if you are shouting at her, you are focussing on her not him. It is so hard and so perfectly normal to experience these difficulties, I can't actually remember how and when it stopped, but it did.

Can you at weekends give ds to your dh and give total time to your dd ?

I haven't got much advice to give, but I sympathise very much x

Big hugs Prufrock. I nearly died trying to cope in the early time with second baby. Despite trying my hardest not to be, I was a tired, bad-tempered, evil witch. How the three of us survived the experience unscathed, I shall never know.
What do you think to finding a helper of some discription to come in for a few hours in the afternoon on the days your dd is not a nursery. I found some help for two hours each late afternoon and it helped me hold the whole thing together, as I knew relief would appear.
I think most mums go through what you are going through now. Don't beat yourself up about it, try and find coping strategies.

Prufrock, I sympathise with the "I don't actually like her much at the moment" feeling. I have had this a lot recently with my ds1 (3 and a bit) in comparison to my ds2- going through a very cuddly 18month stage. Then you feel awful for feeling like that.....

I do try to spend some time alone with ds1...usually when ds2 goes down a little earlier or when ds2 naps - ds1 doesn't now, but you don't have that luxury. But if you can find some way I think you will remember the things you love about your daugher and don't be so bleedin hard on yourself woman, your hormones will still be all over the shop.

I wonder what this one (due 5 weeks) will do to the apple cart eh?

This thread is great - we are going through exactly the same thing here - our ds is 2.5 and our dd is 9 weeks old. She is incredibly easy and just want sto give us gooey smiles, he is getting more and more intelligent and is angry to boot. He often tries to lash out at dd so we have to keep them apart and cannot relax with her as we did when he was tiny - it's almost as if he is saying, well, you made this baby but I'm damned if you are going to enjoy her - at least not when I am around.
I find it hard to believe that up until not that long ago our ds was so much more "innocent" than he is now, and yes in some ways I do find him "harder to like" than I did before (dh would kill me for even thinking this), but then at the end of the day he goes to sleep being cuddled and I remember... I am also sad that we have lost so much of the time we used to have together. I just keep on reminding myself that our dd will also be a testing 2.5 one day developing all kinds of behaviour we would not have thought possible.... also that ds is bound to get past the age of unreason he is in at the moment. I too beat myself up for getting angry with him, I think aloha's advice about having a strategy worked out in advance is good and I am going to try this.
Most of all I just wish I could SLEEP - this business of one sleeping and the other one being awake is not good .

Also, trying to get away on your own with the older one sounds like a good idea - I am going to try to organising expressing and do this... I'm sure it must benefit both elder child and mother.

Plus it doesn't help that dh accuses me of having "divorced ds" - he doesn't understand what it's like to have your bond with your elder one almost forcibly tampered with by the arrival of a new person demanding to be fed and carried. Also he kind of refuses to carry dd so I do it, hence being able to spend less time with ds... Sometimes I really dislike my dh - doesn't matter that I am bloody exhausted and kind of at the end of my tether, he will still mouth off (sorry, going off thread).

Prufrock love, there are lots of wise words on this thread, sorry you're finding it hard but I agree, don't be so hard on yourself. I can't remember who said "the best labour saving device is still money" but she (pretty sure it was a she) was right IMO. So can you buy some help? I had a lovely mother's help when ds was born (but yep, sobernow's right, you get so much less sympathy with your second) and she just took ds off sometimes to give me a break or let me sleep and it was wonderful. Don't feel you've got to do it all, you can't. It's very early days, you're bound to be knackered too. Does your dh help with nights? I don't think I'd have coped if dp and I hadn't alternated nights with dd (we still do, in fact). Hugs.

Prufrock I think dd is struggling for indepenence and with her feelings about the big changes in her life at the mo mum and dad are the same ane other things different can you get dh to have time with ds so you can have soem time with dd- my dd pushes me away and wants dad so I think it is a genetic thing just try to count to ten in your head when she is upsetting you or take the attitude if what she is doing is not dangerus to any one or going to cause too much mess leave her to it rather tahn having an arguement Hope you get sorted

Prufrock - only just seen this. God it's hard, isn't it? Ds2 and ds1 alternated being awake and crying last night and I'm absolutely exhausted. Thank god the grandparents came this morning to collect ds1 for a few hours - not sure I could have done interactive patient parent today.

Everyone else has given excellent advice. Wish I lived near you so I could pop in for a coffee and we could have a sympathetic hug and cry together and our first borns could leave us alone and trash another part of the house

Thinking of you.

Prufrock, I know it's hard but see the bigger picture. You have a 3-week-old! You're probably not getting much sleep! You're dd is probably in the throes of the terrible twos! That's hardly an enviable situation to be in. One of the worst periods in recent memory was when I was in about the same situation as you. Dd was a few weeks old, and ds, nearly 3 at the time, had turned into some unrecognizable moster. And me? I was slowly but surely losing my mind.

You aren't the real "you" right now--the hormones + stress+ lack of sleep are changing your brain chemistry. I don't think you can hold yourself responsible for any feelings you have right now. Heck, I used to have a recurrent fantasy of leaving my dd and ds home alone, walking to the local police station, and extending my arms out to be handcuffed. I truly believed that some time in jail would be no different or worse than what I was experiencing at home. And I was probably right !!!

This is an awfully stressful period, Prufrock. Just keep repeating to yourself that it will get better. I felt as though things were pretty well sorted out by the time the baby was 3-months old and completely sorted out by the time she was 5-months old. That may seem a long time, but it will fly by.

I gave a ds of 4 weeks and a dd of 3.5 yrs Prufrock and I'm finding it stressful juggling the needs of both. I find that I have a very short temper with dd and dh atm. Plus to cap it all when ds is asleep I really cannot summon the energy to play with dd. So I feel v guilty - especially when I count the days down to when dd is at nursery or the weekends. However, I keep telling myself its not going to be like this forever (at least i hope not) - and although people tell me having 2+ children is hard work they all say its worth it in the end when you see them playing happily together.

I can't offer any advice based on experience. There was a 5 year gap between my two so I never had to juggle the needs of a baby and a toddler. I really feel for you, prufrock and arabella, and know in your positions, I'd be a screaming wreck.

Agree about buying in help - get what you need if you can afford to. Don't beat yourself up about being a perfect SAHM. Just think of the short term, see how things are in a few months. You can always reduce the amount of outside help. If your dd is happy at nursery, prufrock, why not send here there for an extra day - even two more days - temporarliy at least, until you are getting a bit more sleep?

It very comon to begrudge your older child for no reason whatsoever 0 think its a way of " making room for your new one" and when you are less tired all willbe back to normal

Prufrock, Metrobaby, Georginam Arabella: I'm with Expatkat. Vile vile vile at the stage you're in - I seriously don't know how I'd have coped if dd1 hadn't been in childcare three days a week. And yet it does get better. My two now laugh and play with each other, in a heartbreakingly beautiful manner. Hang on in there. With your fingernails.
xxxx

Oh Prufrock, so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I agree with everyone else's comments here. It must be sooo hard for your dealing with 2 children. And medically, you're still not recovered from birth so you are in a fragile mood even if you're not aware of it. Don't beat yourself up about it, you're human and we all have limitations. I really feel for you. I'm only writing here to give you one suggestion. It seems your 2 yr old finds it difficult to settle for her lunchtime nap (1 3/4 h is a long time) and you are having a hard time because of this (as well as all the other daily burdens). My dd stopped having her lunchtime nap just after she turned 2. It took me a few days to accept that, I used to get frustrated, angry, annoyed with her, but it was not her fault of course. One day my DH was working from home (just like yours) and he just went and picked her up from her bed – ‘cos that’s men for you! (I would have let her cry until she fell asleep, which usually took about 30-40min, but one time it took over 1 h – I still feel guilty about that) and that was the end of it. Since then she would not even go upstairs at lunchtime, let alone agree to get anywhere near her bed. I still think she needs a nap but she refuses. She now occasionally falls asleep in the car between 2-4pm so it proves she needs this nap but that’s not an ideal time to have a nap for her so I try as much as I can to avoid driving during that time of the day. Took me 3 weeks to adjust to this new regime, but that’s the way it is. If this is the case with your dd, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and am so sorry I don’t know what to suggest. You’re doing a great job and should be proud of it! You sound like you’re a very nice mum and person!
xxx

Can I creep onto this thread, curl into a ball and weep quietly? I have DD of 2.5 years and almost 2 week old DS. Today DH had to go off somewhere and I was very nervous about how everything would pan out (had PND badly after birth of DD). DS wouldn't settle to sleep and a friend came round whilst I was having a crack at settling him ...and things just went from bad to worse! She is pregnant and was very eager that her son saw the baby, and the nursery and the baby drinking his milk etc etc...when all I needed was a bit of space and quiet to help him sleep.
DD got her hand trapped down the radiator whilst I was feeding DS, he cried so much that I had to keep racing to him and burnt her dinner, and to cap it all, she poured her milk all over her bed and laughed. It sounds awful, but I shouted at her really loudly just to make her cry and acknowledge that she had done something wrong (does that sound mad/awful? She is very very rarely naughty and don't think she appreciates what "mummy is very cross" actually means).
Thank you to everybody who has said "it's just a phase". It is, isn't it? Do you all promise

Well we've just had major bedtime tantrums. Normally placid ds1 throwing toys around his bedroom and screaming his head off. And now he's woken ds2 up.

Ds2 is only grumbling rather than outright crying, and I'm sitting here with a glass of wine and some brie wondering whether to go up or not. sigh

good luck everyone on this thread having a hard time. i'm not looking forward to dealing with this aspect of things in 10wks or so.

Judd - it is just a phase. My DS's speciality about 3/4 weeks in was standing and weeing on the sofa whilst i was breastfeeding dd.

TBH, when I was in this situation for the first couple of months the only company I wanted was my Mum or MIL who would help out unobtrusively and hold dd for me. I didn't want to entertain and altho the idea of having other kids round to play with DS sounded good in theory it always went pear shaped - ds was too rattled by the new baby and never behaved very well. I almost found it easier to be on our own once I'd established a routine. I think you actually all need time and space alone to adjust to being a foursome.
But it does get better surprising ly quickly and now (19 months later) it's easy peasy!

If any of you have time to read (!) I found Sibling Rivalry Sibling love by Jan parker really helful - there's a chapter on new baby so you don't have to read the whole thing just now.

prufrock - there is nothing more frustrating than trying to get a tired toddler to have a nap, especially when you have a new baby and need the break. my ds was 2.4 when dd was born and even though he still slept for 2 hrs in the afternoon I could count on one hand the number of times I had any time to myself, dd would always wake up for a feed right on cue, as if she knew! I found it so easy to lose it with ds in the months after dd was born, toddlers can seem so clumsy and difficult next to a newborn. I have to admit I felt like I almost fell out of love with him for a while. I totally accept this now and know it is quite common but at the time I was racked with guilt. I felt like I was snapping at him all the time and was so sad about not being able to give him the same level of attention as before. What I did was start from scratch - re-evaluate our relationship and start all over again, accept thaat our relationship would never be the same and made sure I got loads of time alone with him to build it all back up again. Such a difficult time you are doing so well, remember you are tired and still recovering and give yourself some leeway. Giving yourself a hard time will only create more tension. Also I think it would be unhealthy if your child never saw you lose it and blow your top sometimes........they do need to see that you are human and express anger when you reach your limit otherwise they would never learn to express emotion themselves. Also forgot to say I used to almost bribe ds for his naps by telling him what would happen when he woke up....eg "when you wake up we will have a nice snack of this and a drink of this" or "when you wake up we are going the park to meet so and so" If things got difficult I used to say that if he didn't have a wee sleep he would be too tired to do anything - seems a bit harsh but at the end of the day is true and really worked!!
Hope you are ok
this time will pass and you really do sound as if you are coping 10 times better than I ever did!!