22 month old tantrum hell

[badfurday]

Please help.

I'm on the brink of some sort of breakdown.

My 22 month old has the most awful tantrums over nothing. She goes from being lovey to being terrifying. I can't pacify her and she lashes out. She has scratched both me and my husband.

I'm really at my wits end now, I was in tears earlier as I can't do anything to help her. Anything I suggest during mid tantrum she arches her back and screams, I try and cuddle her, again she arches her back and goes mental. I wince when she comes near me as she hits and scratches. Earlier she went crazy because I wouldn't let her open the dishwasher in mid cycle, I had to leave her in the end for a good 7-10 minutes before she finally calmed down.

I've tried saying no, naughty girl all sorts of things and she carries on. She doesn't seem care.

We were supposed to go out to lunch today but we've cancelled as she will no doubt have an uncontrollable melt down.
She's in nursery 4 days a week and is fine there.
Also nap times have become world war 3.

Please someone offer me some advice or help. I'm actually seriously tempted to go back to work 5 days a week instead of 4 to get away from her. I love her more than anything but feel like we are walking on eggshells around her and she's sucking the life out me and ruining anything nice we try and do.

Well everyone is different and my Dd is only a couple of months older than yours, but here are some things to try:

When Dd starts to tantrum I make sure she's safe on the floor and walk away or busy myself with something else. If she calms a little ill try and distract her but if it doesn't work, I leave her.

She shouts no and hits out when she tantrums and refuses anything.

I make sure i say yes to her requests as much as I reasonably can, rather than saying no just if something is slightly inconvenient. Eg painting 20 mins before bedtime, rather not, but no good reason why not.

I've also started having 'chats' with her on the steps or out the way somewhere if she's behaving violently or is being rude. I just take her off and sit her on my knee and explain what she did wrong and ask for an apology or ask her to apologise to the other person if not me. It often calms her before I've had to lay down the law, which would often lead to tantrum.

Pre-empt? And intervene if possible,.
Ignore where possible.
Stay calm and don't raise your voice.
My toddler does tantrum but it's usually when he's hungry so I can recognise why which helps. I try not to tell him off for it as I think it's beyond his control. But I do not give in to requests which are shouted. I just wait for it to pass then ask him what he wanted and speak to him calmly.

My 20mo isn't quite as tantrummy yet but I tend to distract if I can get in there quick enough. If not, I let him thrash it out safely and sit next to him quietly. Occasionally I will say I'm here when you need a cuddle, I know you're frustrated, it's ok to feel angry I'm here when you need etc etc. seems to work for us at the moment and he will eventually calm down. Only had one bad public tantrum so far and the techniques worked fine there too. Although I was sat cross legged on the floor in a garden centre directing people around us!

I have gleaned all of this from toddlercalm by Sarah ockwell-smith. I'm not a huge fan of her style of writing as it's a bit 'if you ever raise your voice you will damage your child' type stuff, however, lots of the techniques appeal to my natural instincts and have given me the confidence to follow them and adapt for my child. Worth a read imo.

If it's any consolation, I found 22 months the hardest time with my DS1. We had a holiday at the time and in every photo he is either kicking me, pushing me in the face or having to be restrained in some way

It did however improve quite quickly, so fingers crossed it will burn out. In the meantime I'd advocate remaining as calm as possible - so no shouting 'no' or 'naughty girl', and giving as little negative energy to her as possible. Can you simply remove her from whatever the situation is - so for the dishwasher, explain calmly and quietly that we don't open the door while it's working and physically remove her from it. If you feel like you can't cope, make sure she's physically safe and then remove yourself from the situation. take some big breathes, calm down and try not to shout. easier said than done, I know.

You have my sympathy - lunches out etc probably will be a trial for a couple of months, but DS1 burnt himself out and from the ages of 2 to 3 didn't go in for tantrums much at all.

Hi OP I sympathise. My 21 month old is very draining at the moment. But I have two older children who are 10 and 7 so I have the benefit of knowing it does get easier!

I still have tears too though. It's such hard work. No new tips as such but wanted to say don't beat yourself up. I shout and say 'no' or 'stop being naughty' more than I should. But my older two are great kids now and I hardly lose my rag with them.

Thanks for all the replies all. I just keep trying to tell myself this is a phase, we will look back one day and laugh....

The things that's bothering me is the way she flips out. Earlier my husband took her up for a bath and she was absolutely fine, playing about etc. I went up and put something in the laundry bin and she went crazy, inconsolable crying, dribbling, screaming mama and reaching out to me like she was really distressed. I ignored her and tried to distract her with bath toys but she wasn't having any of it. In the end my husband got her out the bath, dried and dressed and managed to calm her down. We are just baffled about what is causing these outbursts. She was fine for her bed time story etc.

The other thing is the hitting, completely out of the blue, just sitting reading a story and bam, a really hard whack to the side of the head. Wtf is that about?! I'm going to talk to nursery tomorrow and see if she is violent with other kids. She has been in the toddler room for a month now and we are starting to wonder if she is seeing older kids act up.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day, a work day thank god. I'm exhausted.

Hi, I’m dealing with this right now with my 22 month old son. Did anything end up helping you get through this? When did it get better?? Please help 😩

I could have written this about my 22 month old son 😢

He’s draining the life out of me currently. Just tantrum upon tantrum, throwing himself around. It breaks me that he’s like this and I can’t think of what to do.

I’m right there with you! My son will be 22 months this week and he has been having tantrums ever since a year old but the last month or two have been absolute misery and the past 3 days have been hell. CONSTANT tantrums and he won’t stop until I give in. I don’t completely give in but there’s only so much I can take. He’s really into hitting me in the face and throwing things hard at my face and no matter what I do, he thinks it’s funny. The 2 things I have always been able to count on with him are great sleep and great eating. Both of those are slowly going out the window. He’s starting to scream and kick before nap time and then cries when I put him in the crib and he’s getting very picky with food, when before he would eat anything and everything. He’s seriously a monster lately and I’m getting concerned 😔 I don’t know how to handle this

Hi any improvments x ? ☺️

Yes and no haha. He’s almost 4 now and I’m trying to figure out the best discipline strategy. There’s so much conflicting info online, it’s overwhelming. He is a very sweet boy but he still has meltdowns everyday. Some days, it’s all day long. It can be pretty awful.. but he can speak perfectly and understand me so it’s easier in that way. If I say no to anything, he gets very upset and instantly goes into a meltdown and I can’t snap him out of it no matter what I say or don’t say. He will get crazy and extremely whiny and mean. The thing that works best for him is putting him in a room by himself to calm down and explaining that he cannot act that way. I tell him it’s okay to be disappointed or sad but it’s not okay to say mean things or hit. He usually calms down in under 30 seconds and then I talk to him after and he’s much better after that. Some days I have to do this constantly and other day I don’t have to do it at all. If I try to sit down and hug him during a meltdown, he just gets worse. It’s definitely sometimes all an act because he can shut it off instantly half the time if he gets distracted. Other times, he’s in fight or flight mode and separating him from me is the only way for him to calm down.

When I made the original post, he was almost 2 years old and he did have a couple weeks of fighting bedtime and being picky about food but it didn’t last long. He then went back to loving bedtime and not being as picky. I was just consistent with the bedtime routine and I didn’t give him other types of food just because he wouldn’t eat what I gave him. He is fighting bedtime more now though the last couple of months but it’s still not as bad as what other kids do. He’s pickier about food now too but nowhere compared to how other kids are. He has eaten eggs for breakfast every day since 6 months old lol. Overall he’s a great sleeper and eater :)

Also, I have a 22 month old girl now and overall she is so much easier but she has started having crazy tantrums. It’s so different though. Hers are actually tantrums where she throws herself on the floor and screams and cries. I sometimes laugh because it’s just so dramatic lol. I can easily calm her down and she listens to me. With my son, his were straight uncontrollable meltdowns and those last so long. Very stressful. I would much rather deal with tantrums than meltdowns.

It is such a minefield . I feel the struggle on a daily basis with my 22 month. Have you ever been advised by nursery or school to get him evaluated by any chance because I was and I thought it was a bit much ☺️

He started preschool this year and has surprisingly done very well. He has never had any behavior issues there. They say he’s so sweet and listens well. He just saves it for me when he gets home and then explodes lol. He does have an anxiety issue though because the teachers have talked to me before about how he doesn’t want to play outside with the other classes at recess. He’s fine with the kids in his class but not as much with newer kids. I feel that’s pretty normal because I would probably be the same way. He wants to play but if he doesn’t feel welcomed, he just won’t play. It’s always crossed my mind that he could possibly be slightly autistic, only because he has never been interested in toys and has been obsessed with balloons since 12 months old. Plus his meltdowns. Other than that, he is “normal”. I don’t feel like I need to get him evaluated. I feel things are overly diagnosed and they just want to put a label on everything. If he couldn’t communicate well, then I probably would
but he has had great communication since 2 years old. What reasons did the school have for saying that to you about being evaluated?

Omg thank you so much for your answer and I truly appreciate the time you took to answer in detail . I don’t mean to bother you but it is so difficult trying to find another parent with a similar situation . So my DD is 22 months and very sweet and cuddly . She can use all her gestures , answer questions and use her words to get her needs met , plus identify familiar faces in pictures and points at all her body parts . She has over 150 words and has lots of imaginative playing , sleeps very well . Now she is not social at all . I mean she is an only child and grandparents live in Europe and we moved 10 months ago to a new town . I take her to playgroups and did a childminder for a while . She was overwhelmed by the waiting in line for the playground to open but once in she plays alongside other kids . She says hello and good morning when out so I thought it was a good sign of a a social cue . Also she is a bit of a toe walker when excited .

she sometimes does a bit of scripting like : she points at an animal in the book , use the correct word and then says to herself “ good girl “ or when she wakes up from a nap she says “teddy bear “ because she remembers that her teddy was on the desk ( not anymore )

Her tantrums/ meltdowns never lasts more than 5 minutes . But the HV decided to refer her to a paediatrician.

i am really down and confused 😔

We were supposed to go out to lunch today but we've cancelled as she will no doubt have an uncontrollable melt down.

^

Forgot lunches out for the next few years, waste of time and money

When she hits you, what do you do??