I feel the urge to tidy up DD's (14) room next time she's on camp... is that an invasion of privacy?

[MrsBigD]

OK so here's the thing... DD (14) loves her cave of a room. At weekends we hardly see her unless for food and when we make her. I'm not house goddess but her room does my head in. Ok we can see the floor, which according to other parents with teens say is fantastic. However, DD just declared she's buying a new calculator tomorrow as she can't find hers and she needs it for school... I went 'on no you don't, have a look for it properly first'... q... I've looked where it normally would be (please overlay stroppy teenage tone). To this I replied well then it's probably amongst the stacks of other things stacked over there, and there, and there and... she was not amused. I progressed to opening her cupboard door to demonstrate that it could even be in there and she nearly bit my head off! The cupboard looks like a hoarders dream! (no offense to anyone on here who struggles with that condition).

Now I have the urge to go into her room on my day off when she's sequestered at school and blitz it... I know she would love the outcome, but also hate my intrusion as she's a very private person - probably having to do with being a developing 14 year old.

So your take on this please dear mumsnetters... is this an invasion of her privacy, psychologically damaging, the mum thing to do, etc?

On a side, I'm one of these horrible parents who has rules, sets boundaries, occasionally interferes but also spoils kids rotten at times and will always support them (if they actually come to me with their problems) and defend them with tooth and nail if anybody tries to hurt them...

I get my teens to tidy their bedrooms every so often, usually by turning the wifi off! It does take a lot of cajoling and encouragement (ie. Shouting). However, I always will,give their rooms a spring clean/ dehumidifier when they are away. They don't usually mind.

If she can't tidy it herself then you are quite at liberty to go into a room in your own house and do it.

I still bob in to DS room. He is 18. I don't read anything or root through drawers but.

At 14 I had to share a room with younger sis so the only privacy I had was bedside table.

just asked dd and she said she doesn't mind me doing it she trusts me not to look at her personal stuff

Please please warn her before you do it. My mum went through my room when I was overseas on a school trip aged , without any kind of warning or notice, so she saw my diaries, letters and all sorts. I felt completely violated and still struggle having her unsupervised anywhere in my house now because I'm so anxious about her going through my things.

fucking hell what do your 14 year olds DO in their room?

What are we all too scared to find?

a crack pipe?
a set of nude polaroids?

I am more likely to find a spilt bottle of nail varnish and a collection of sweet wrappers

If have no issue with going in and cleaning my 13y Dd's room. She actually keeps it really tidy and clean anyway so it's not much his have to do. But i would think nothing of going in and picking up rubbish, putting clothes away, giving it a general tidy up, etc. I always tell Dd if I intend doing a big tidy. She's never had any issue with me going in there.

But I also think - she's 13y, a teenager and not an adult. Yes she can have some privacy etc and she trusts me not to go through her personal stuff. However she is still a young teen.

I think giving her a date by which it has to be done or you'll do it is a good idea.

When I was away at a camp one summer my parents rearranged my bedroom and installed massive mirrored wardrobes. I hated it as it felt like a total invasion of my privacy ( my mother had form for going through my stuff) and they had not discussed how they were going to completely change my living space, it underlined how unimportant my opinion was. I was a very self conscious child and hated looking in the mirror. To then be faced with floor to ceiling mirrors every bloody day was a nightmare.

The worst thing was that they had gone to a lot of trouble, and had worked really hard and had done it out of love. But I knew that if I appeared anything less than grateful I would have had all kinds of hell rain down on me, so I meekly said thank you, and reconciled myself to never really having my own space.

When I went to university I stayed in a halls of residence. I cannot tell you the feeling of peace I had when I could finally lock to door to my room and be in charge of my own space.

I've done this in all my dcs rooms.
Only, after nagging and warning that I would - they have each had plenty of time to sort their pits out before it became necessary from a public health pov that I did it.

ds, and dd1 really appreciated it and thanked me profusely.
dd2 hated it with a passion, and was really angry and upset about it.

So it could go either way.

I had this thought too. Could you do it together?
Dd1 gets overwhelmed if asked to do any more than pick things off floor and remove from under bed. So i said i would help her. She started with more private stuff, I guess and then gave me things to sort, fold, bin. It worked okay and I somehow managed not to blow up at finding 4 sanitary pads that had gone through washing machine and tumble. Yuck.