Lightning rages

[Nattie]

my son is 4 years old. he is very articulate. he is very gregarious and will walk up to any adults with children in the park and engage them in conversation. he also has an extraordinary imagination and plays amazing fantasy games. he attends a state nursery (nearly full-time). our problem is that he has a lightning temper. if somebody crosses him he can flare up instantly and hit out at another child or a teacher. he doesn't have many friends - he doesn't get invited to parties or for tea. the other children don't understand him or his games. he's not very physical. he doesn't play 'boy' games. he'll attempt to join in but then try and turn the game into one of his fantasy games. the other boys don't understand so won't play and so my son hits out. when the teachers try to intervene, he hits out at them. when he gets upset, he doesn't cry he gets angry. he feels emotions very deeply, possibly too deeply for a four year old, but doesn't have the equipment to express them. we're always hugging him and telling him how fantastic he is and hope we work hard at emphasising the positive, not focusing too much on the negative.

a huge problem now is that he's been accused of threatening another child with a (dinner) knife at lunch time! I had to go and collect him from nursery early. the headteacher has decided that they don't know what to do with him anymore so there is going to be a big meeting with a family liaison officer, special needs officer, nursery teacher, our health visitor, the head teacher and an educational psychologist plus either one of us (which ever one isn't looking after the children!). both my partner and I talked separately to my son about the matter and he's absolutely positive that his knife was on his tray and he just pushed this other child in the chest because the other boy pulled his leg off his chair.

i know that my son knows right from wrong. if nothing else he is honest. he always owns up to any misbehaviour and he always apologises. so i believe him when he says he didn't do it.

i've got to go back to the school now and, in the nicest possible way, ask them to make sure they've got their facts right.

anybody got anything helpful to say?

he's only four.

Hi Nattie - what a difficult situation for you and your family.

You are absolutely right in that the first thing you need to establish is exactly what did happen that lunchtime. Have the children sitting with your son been questioned about what they saw? Did any adults see it? If the overwhelming view is that which has been reported to you, then despite what your son says you will be obliged to deal with it on that basis.

From the behaviour you describe, I would greatly support the school's approach in bringing in a group of professionals. I'm sure this seems scary and maybe OTT, but it shows that they want to help rather than merely label your son as naughty or difficult. It will be invaluable for all concerned if a greater understanding of his behaviour is reached, but especially him.

The school is legally obliged to take action when children behave in certain ways, and it would seem that they have identified it as stemming from perhaps an emotional difficulty or developmental delay (I myself at school was extremely able but emotionally very behind).

If I was in your situation, I would want to have a meeting with his class teacher and the head of the school - together or separately - to gather facts/opinions before the big meeting. You could also ring the ed psych service (through your local council) to gain an understanding of how they work, in what circumstances are they brought in etc.

It must be worrying for you but the school's approach should provide an ideal opportunity to discover more about your son's behaviour and develop some strategies to improve it. Keep us posted.

Nattie, I agree with sniksnak's excellent advice. It's a hard situation for you, and while as you say your son is only four, he does seem to have some difficulty in controlling and expressing his anger. I'm not saying for a moment that your son is "the guilty party" here, I'm sure he is a lovely, imaginative and happy little boy most of the time, but his strong emotions, esp anger, and "fantasy world" could be problematic, especially if they interfere with his social skills and development, eg making friends, playing group games etc. So maybe this meeting with the school and psych etc will be valuable in helping both you and the school deal with the situation and behaviour you describe.

I would go along with an open mind, and try not to feel to much "under attack" yourself, or get defensive - they are trying to help you and your son. Get a feel for the situation, try to get eye-witness accounts of what happened, and give your son's side of the story. Hopefully they are also going to look at the bigger picture and give you some ideas and tactics to help your son in the long-term. Accept any observations they offer you, and take notes so you can discuss it with your dh later. I'm sure it can only work out for the best. Let us know how it goes.

thanks mollipops and sniksnak.

My partner went to the meeting with all the 'experts' this afternoon.

The upshot is that the school is going to bring in a psychologist to observe my ds at school and then to develop anger management strategies. He's also going to have an assessment for gifted and talented children.

The school is very supportive and were reassuring that they like my ds (phew) and we are all in agreement that bad habits have to be nipped in the bud now.

That's really good news Nattie I'm so pleased for you all to hear about such a positive strategy.

Sounds like a budding actor or novelist in the making! Best regards.

Great to hear it went well, sounds like a positive beginning!

Nattie

Just wanted to say how impressed I am about your attitude to your son. Many of the things I could have written about my eldest, who is nearly 5, but I always shy away from such an honest description, because people thinks it sounds so negative, and that means I must not love him. Of course, that is just not true.

Has your son 'always been like this'? My son was always very quiet and shy, and didn't interact well with other children, until he was about 3. Now he is not quiet at all, but still doesn't really 'get' the social interaction bit. But he's always been very emotional. I have vivid memories of him bursting into tears watching Thomas stories, when he was about 3, when a train crashed or something. Even now, he gets extremely distressed very easily, and at that point is quite volatile, and is likely to hit out at people.

Did your son have an imaginary friend? Sophie came with us everywhere for about a year, but disappeared very promptly when he started nursery at 4. But now he has two imaginary worlds, in which he sets the stories he tells and writes, and sometimes plays in these worlds too.

Is your son big? My son is very tall for his age, and has never been very well coordinated. So other children can get hurt when he is just being clumsy ...

Anyway, please let me know how you get on, and any successful coping strategies that you discover.