How to help DH bond with toddlers

[Cornwall73]

Any advice?
DH has never been very child orientated and as our twins get older (now 2.5yrs) he is finding it harder and harder to be with them. Now they have their own opinions and are talking and kicking up tantrums and can be very demanding at times he finds them very hard work. So do I, and I must admit that some days I really wonder 'what have we done!' But this is also balanced by the times when they make me laugh and I see the funny side of things and they give me a cuddle to make everything better. DH however wouldn't seek to spend time with them. He has a really stressful job and works very long hours and sometimes weekends. His idea of a break is not to be with toddlers.

He says he is a useless parent but I don't know how bothered he is about not bonding much with them. The children love to be with him but they have absolutely no boundaries when they are with him and it can end up in a screaming match as all they want to do is grab his attention, jump on him, and then their games get very out of hand (throwing toys, twins beating each other up etc).

How can I help him?

He's right about being a shit parent.

I wouldn't bother with family days for now.

There are two children and two adults.

Make him fully responsible for one child at a time - you take the other one elsewhere.

That's how a parent bonds with their own child - by caring for them and looking after them.

Not by waiting until they are entertaining enough to bother with. That's how you bond with a box set.

Do you have any couple friends with children, where the dads could hang out together for moral support? I'm lucky to have dh who is generally the more maternal parent than me... and we share care during the week so both have equal responsibilities.

What was your dh's experience of his father? Might help him think about what sort of father he wants to be. What about a book about being a dad? Avoid the stupid ones though. Or there are some good blogs out there too. Getting out into nature is always good with kids. Have you had a holiday since having them? There are some great places that cater for toddlers and parents, very expensive but might be worth it for a break?

Thank you for all your tips, I'll start trying them out.

We moved south nearly 9yrs ago and left behind a couple of work colleagues he was good friends with and they now have kids too. Having them near would have been amazing but one has migrated and the other left the company and they are not in touch anymore (men!). He only knows work people and I have no idea if they have families. I can try and arrange a meet up with a family I know at a playground. He has never met them so don't know if they will have anything in common. All the dads I have met are so engaged and hands on though (all singletons though!).

He has a good relationship with his dad but he was a very hands off father. He also has a close relationship with his brother. when he is with them and the kids it's fine as the task is shared but it's when he is on his own that he looks exhausted, clueless, bored and would rather be doing something else.

Thanks for the tips again. I hope to start them off this weekend.