I feel dreadful. I have bonded better with one child than another. Help

[guttedandguilty]

Name changed to protect the guilty. Crying as I type:

I could never admit this to anyone and I feel dreadful about it. With ds1 I had an emergency C-Section under GA. I spent a week in hospital hoping someone would take him away as I couldn't associate him with me. After his 'birth' dh presented him to me in a cute outfit with a little hat on... not all yucky and on my chest like I had dreamed of. I love him to bits. I had ds2 19 months later and because of the circumstances of my first birth had to have another C-Section. It was measured, controlled, with epidural and a fantastic experience for me. I spent 5 days in hospital with ds2 and loved every second of it (despite the overwhelming pain). I love him to bits too.

But here's the horror - I find it so much easier to kiss and cuddle my second son and everything I do with him feels natural. I can't change this fact. It breaks my heart and I make such an effort with ds1 but that's just my point... with one it comes naturally and with the other it doesn't. I feel so guilty. Is this natural with a traumatic birth? ds1 is only 2 and is gorgeous and I hate feeling the way I do. Will this ever change?

Snap..... I think you'll find that there are a few moms on here that feel this way.
My situation is a bit strange in that i was fine with Dd1 until i had Dd2. I had PND with Dd2 but strangley now have an excellant bond with her.
Me and Dd1 however just rub each other up the wrong way.
I have felt guilty for such a long time about it and i know she does notice the differnce in the way i treat her. She has said to me "you don't love me ".
I have been making a real effort and things have got better. God that sounds awful to say i've had to make an effort doesn't it.
At the end of the day i do love her, i just find it difficult to show it for some reason.

Honestly, don't feel guilty, like i said there are lots of people who feel like this.
Perhaps try spending some time with your Ds1 on his own, find an acticity that you can do together.

HTH Nutty xxxxxxxxxx

I would have thought that it is only natural to bond more easily with a baby that was born in a less painful way.

I know from experience that a bad birth can make a mother feel less affection for one child than the other. My mum had a horrendous start with me, and a much easier one with my sister. I can confirm that it DID affect my childhood, but you can see it happening, so are able to get help. In my mum's day, depression was not mentioned, and you could not easily get help.

For ds1's sake, please do talk to a counsellor, as it is important to try to feel differently. You have not failed him, as you know this is happening, and feel guilty about it. Keep cuddling him and kissing him, and I'm sure that it will start to come more naturally soon.

xx

gg thanks for your honesty... I feel bit the same... awful first birth (emergency c)= v.difficult crying baby.. then fantastic homebirth and a lot easier number 2.
In all honesty I have to catch myself regularly because I am all to aware that I can show more love etc for number 2.
I think traumatic births lead to post trauma Syndrome and nobody has time or resources to deal.
I would recommend counselling..get some help for yourself.... you had a raw deal and haven't got over it... please don't beat yourself up over this though... I reckon that being aware of your feelings means you are one step closer to sorting them out.
Hope that makes you feel that at least you aren't alone!

There was a book I found in the library that talked a lot about what you're saying (Siblings Without Rivalry). The book said, basically, you can't help but like one or some of your children more than others it's normal, it's human nature. The book would say that the important thing is to make sure that you don't show the favouritism that however you feel, you make sure the children's needs are equally met.

I'm probably not saying that well, but I would think if you could find the book and read it for yourself it might make you feel less guilty. Also because the book talks so much about how to make sure that your natural feelings don't have to be a problem.

Thank you for your messages and thank you beetroot for the offer. I can't ask you to send it on though as I might have to explain to dh who is equally bowled over by both of his sons and would be horrified to get to the real truth. This is the only thing I cannot talk to him about since I truly believe that since he is not a woman, he would never ever understand (let's face it, I don't really understand myself). We are currently having a few problems between our boys (ds1 appears to be very jealous - OMG, guilty as charged perhaps?) and therefore I would have a good excuse to 'come across' it in a bookshop, given the title.

Thank you so much for your tip and kind offer though, beetroot

Have also changed my name because I feel really bad about it but I know what you mean difference is my births were both fine - no problams with either so I cannot use that as a reason.

Have 2 sons and I am glad that no 2 was not a girl or I would have thought the reason was I preferred girls but for some reason I simply adore ds2 and he can do no wrong no matter what whereas ds1 generally really winds me up and I clash with him a lot while his brother gets away with things. I definitely know I never felt the way about ds1 as I do about ds2 but I am not sure if it is obvious to anyone else as I would never say it I feel really guily but its just the way I feel. Funny thing is ds1 is a Mummys boy and ds2 doesn't want to know me when his dad is around, will hardly even come near me on the weekends. I am not sure what to do.

G&G; I read your post a few moments ago, and I've been thinking about what I can say constructively.

Re-reading your post makes me wonder about the difference between loving your baby and bonding with him/her. Because you obviously do love your older son so, so much; you just don't find the physical cuddly ease with him that you do with your younger one. That's terribly sad, for you, and my heart goes out to you. But maybe it isn't as terrible for him as you worry about, because the underlying love is there? Correct me if I'm wrong.

By the way, I felt very, very strange about my first baby after her emergency ventouse. Didn't want anything to do with her when she was plonked on my tummy. Yet I also remember, with equal guilt, agreeing with my partner that we didn't love our second baby - when she was a couple of days old - as much as we did her older sister (whom we'd both adored for two years). And now I constantly have to check myself loving one more than the other.

I hope there is something useful for you to pick out of this rambling.
xxxxxxxxxxx

motherinferior thank you. I do love both my sons, and of that fact there is not doubt. Showing it to one is so much harder than the other though and I struggle to understand why, and because I love them both, this difference is eating away at me. But I suppose it should just boil down to the fact that at adore them both.
iknow - just reading your post makes me realise that there are people in exactly the same position as me.
Just writing down the way I feel is helping... I want to go and cuddle sleeping ds1 now....

I didn't bond with ds1 but it was instant with ds2 and his birth was far more traumatic. But I'd built myself up for this amazing experience with ds1. Expecting it to be all wonderful and no hard work involved at all. It was hell and he cried none stop. I had severe post natal depression. I had to go back to work after just three months. Everything was wrong with ds1.

Ds2 is a dream. He sleeps all night and doesn't cry at all. Okay he's given me a few health scares, but he's just completely adorable. But I went into my pregnancy with ds2 knowing it was going to be hell. Knowing that it was going to be the most dreadful few months of my life. So I was already down there and not on another plant. So when ds2 was born and he was so good, it was an amazing experience.

I have to make an effort with ds1. Hearing him say things like, you don't talk nice to me you only talk nice to ds2. You don't love me. You don't want me here. He's five and he breaks my heart on a daily basis so I know I love him. I was just never very maternal with him. But with ds2 everything comes naturally and none of it's a chore like it was with ds1.

I know where you're coming from. You're really not alone.

Again, thanks Flip, simply because you help me realise that I am not alone. Because I love them both so much, I really, really want to understand why it's so easy with one and not so easy with the other. I guess I never will.
As said before, half the battle is perhaps acknowledging (and ultimately dealing with) the difference.

do you know, g&g, I think a lot of it is to do with first children and second children. I love my dd (first child) very much, and used to worry before ds1 was born that I couldn't possibly love him as much. Then he came along and was my lovely compliant sweet baby just as dd was entering the terrible threes. And now ds1 is 3, and she is 6, and I still find myself being much harder on her than I am on him, and her winding me up enormously so that I shout at her, when if ds1 did the same thing I'd just manage him or distract him or something. I do think a lot of it is that with the first child you get to every stage first, they become more independent, less likely to do what you want, etc etc first simply because of their age. And it isn't even that ds1 will always be my baby or anything, because I have ds2 now (who is only 8 mths) and the dynamic is still the same.

I'm very aware that my tendancy is to be much harder on dd than ds1 and I really have to work on it.

just another thought.. my 2 have very different temperaments.. ds2 is generally a lot sunnier.. content etc than dd1.
When you have a child that makes you feel good (lots of cuddles, smiles,affection- as opposed to temper tantrums,sulks,whines) it is only normal that you will give back good vibes.
What I have come to realise is that dd1 has the greater emotional need - and I have to fight my prejudices (ie wishing she had an easier temperament) and provide her with the security she desperately needs.
It isn't always easy - and I am still learning.

There is a technique called 'acting as if' that can really help. Basically you act as if what you want to be true, is true. So you act as if you are just as affectionate to ds1 as ds2 - cuddle him in the same way, seek him out, give him sloppy kisses. it doesn't matter if the impulse or emotion is different. You will probably find that this alone will shift your feelings quiet dramatically. It's not wrong to have emotions - the only wrong is in your actions if they hurt someone.

Just observing here since only have one but...most of you appear to say you feel you love your first one more. Maybe it's just because you're a more experienced parent when the 2nd one comes along so it seems like less hard work? If you're more relaxed, looking after the child is usually more relaxing? Just a thought.

I agree with aloha: 'acting as if' goes a long way to helping (and with dh too). Doesn't cure it altogether, but it does help the child. I always felt that I 'loved' one more than the other: but when I thought the 'other' had meningitis I knew I really truly loved him. He's just not as easy to live with! Kids do have different characters, and we do react to them different ways. Is there something special you can do with ds1 - even something as mundane as cuddling up to watch TV with him - to make sure he gets his share of physical affection? Do it often enough and it gets easier