Nanny wants LO overnight but I'm not ready

[HMF2016]

I am in a same sex relationship, I only mention this so it makes sense when I refer to my OH as 'her' but that I carried our baby.

We were blessed last October with our first and likely only child after 4years of trying via IVF. My MIL has been too involved for me right from the moment we found out we were pregnant. In the early days of pregnancy we asked everyone to not buy anything without checking with us first as we had specific things we wanted and only a small flat, but this didn't stop her and many of the larger bits ended up forced on us.

When LO was born MIL was away on holiday so we got a few days to appreciate our son in peace but as soon as she returned she wanted to come round every 2-3 days, would invite herself and stay for hours. Even when politely asked to leave she would argue the case to stay and my OH was too polite to push which left me having to fight the case and be bad cop.

She doesn't come around ours unless invited now but my OH now feels an obligation to go to hers at least weekly (she only 20min up road). This is largely because she doesn't see her other grandkids as often as she used to and it feels like we are expected to fill the gap. MIL has even phoned OH complaining she hasn't seen LO in 'ages' - (a week) - then I get a call from OH at work asking if i can go round so MIL can see LO. When we / I go around MIL is very overbearing and hovering to have holds or wants to do all the nappy changes and be the one to get him to sleep.

Nanny is now asking OH when she can have LO overnight. He is only 3months old and the excuse so far has been down to me breastfeeding but we are weaning over to formula and OH has said possibly when he on formula 100%. But I'm not comfortable with this. I don't want LO away from us unless a necessity until he is much older (2or even 3 years) and talking. On top of this my MIL shares 3 bed house with two other family members and their partners so there is no room for us to stay with him and on top of that all 5 of them smoke but don't see this as an issue as the other grandkids used to stay all the time as babies.

Big rant but my main problems are these:
-- Nanny seems to think she has a right to have our son overnight, especially as she had her other grandchildren overnight when they were babies.
-- My OH sides more with her mum and thinks I'm being a neurotic mother and have a problem with her mum - but I wouldn't want him staying at my mums either right now without me.
-- All of my OH family live in the same city as us and I feel ganged up on when I try to put my point across, all my family are at least an hour away. It's clear my OH isn't prepared to stand up for my point of view. I do have a good relationship with my MIL, mostly down to my own patience, so how do I get my point across without appearing rude?
-- am I being unreasonable by insisting baby does not do overnights elsewhere?

It's really not usual for small babies to sleep with other relatives overnight. It's not necessary or helpful and it can be very stressful for the mum.
I'm not sure how you get your dp onside but you are not in the wrong.

Say no, clearly and firmly. It will be several years before you and your baby are comfortable being apart overnight. Don't worry, don't accept any criticism, just say no.

YANBU not to want to to stay overnight at this age, and being in a house with smokers would be a definite no from me at any age.

But, I think you are being a bit unreasonable about other things you've described. Seeing a GC who lives 20 mins away once a week isn't excessive. Wanting to cuddle him and do nappy changes isn't unusual or unreasonable.

When he's older you will be grateful for help - it's not easy to raise kids without extended family around. You'll realise they are only babies for the blink of an eye - that's why people want to make sure they get the cuddles before they're grown up.

Yanbu. My dc were 3 and 5 when they stayed away from us for the first time (2 nights with my parents.)

Hi OP. Another voice saying 'Don't do it!" here.

You are definitely not being unreasonable at all. Please don't feel pressured. Your son is still tiny and there is lots of time for this when he is older. Like, about 10!

As others have said, the smoking issue would be a dealbreaker for me anyway. I agree with other posters who said they would not even visit a house where five people smoked. It's so nasty.

I notice you said "she doesn't see her other grandkids as often as she used to" and I wondered if this is a clue that she was like this with your OH's siblings and burned those relationships a little?

It's great that your OH has come round a little but keep reminding her that a decision needs to be in the best interests of your son and also his parents, not her mother. Stay strong! Your feelings are natural and right.

And enjoy your teeny boy. Congratulations!

"she doesnt see her other grandkids as often as she used to"
This is unfortunately down to the parents splitting up and falling out and kids are being used as a weapon so not MIL fault. The parents used to rely on Granny a lot and she would have their kids 5 or 6 days a week, now she is lucky to see them once a month. However it does put a lot of pressure on us to fill the gap.

Hi HermioneWeasley

I agree that once a week is not excessive and I did not mean it to sound that way. We have been more than once a week at times through our own choice. The problem is within the fact that so far there is an expectation from MIL to visit every week and it would be nice to know that if we had a busy week or two at some point, that we can relax and not have to drag our tired selves and baby to MIL just because she'll moan of we dont. Example being that we had been over on a Sunday, the week following that was full of appointments and other visits with the exception of the Thursday, but we had planned to pop into MIL the next sunday anyway. However, partner received a call on the Tuesday asking when we were next over and even though she relayed that we would be there Sunday MIL moaned she had not seen LO in (3 days) and so I had to drop in on our only free day.

Your OH needs to put her son's needs and best interests ahead of her mum's. That's part of what being a parent entails.

I do see that it must be hard when the other gc have been effectively removed from her life, though. But still: she has lots of good contact and she has no right to demand a very small (or even bigger) baby be separated from the primary carer just so she can enjoy the time. That's not child-centred at all. It's self-indulgent.

And there is no way a child should stay with smokers, when those smokers aren't the parents and thus there's no options. The evidence on that is cast iron.

Sorry but I think too little.

Mine is 8 months, I couldn't bare it. Omg not that nothing would happen but no sorry, if she wakes (which she will) you want to be there.

Your baby (and partners) your decisions