How long have you been absent from DCs? Worried about effects.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

Long story short: my DM has terminal cancer. Just before new year she was admitted a long way from home with severe pneumonia and another infection. I can to visit for the third time last Friday but as next of kin was told there was nothing more to be done, that when she was stable enough she would be transferred to our home hospital (4.5 hours away) and that I could stay with her, as I have done.

The issue now is that, five days later, there is no bed for her and now I'm looking at up to a week or even more away from my DCs, who I miss terribly. I haven't contacted them for fear of upsetting them but I know from my DH that they're generally ok albeit missing me and sometimes upset.

Please help me. I don't know whether I should stay with my darling mum or go to my DCs while we await transfer. I can't imagine if being away so long might do any lasting damage.

So sorry that your DM is so unwell. I assume your dc's are quite young? If DH coping fine then I think i would stay with my DM. I went away for work for 11 nights when ds was just 2yo - spoke by Skype a few times and he was fine, no lasting problems. Was a bit clingy, that's all

Yes, 5 and 3.

Mine are 6 and 4, and we've just done nearly 4 months with DH away. Yes, the kids missed him, even tho sometime said not, but they went pegging it across the airport after a very long day for a Daddy cuddle.
They will be fine, but it might be worth setting up a Skype phone call, if you've got the time.

OP I am so sorry. I don't have any DC yet, but lost my dad to terminal cancer last Christmas and just want to say that you should stay. Your children are at the beginning of their lovely little lives and you have all of that time to spend with them. This is the only time you will ever get with your mother - you can never make this up later.

Sending very un-Mumsnetty hugs xx

Thank you, I'm reassured.

I went away for 5 nights when DS was 18months. Apparently he missed me but he was absolutely fine afterwards. No effects. That was 6 months ago.

I was away for work for a week when my DC were 6 and 3 and it was almost disappointing how little they missed me! DH was with them, we Skyped once or maybe twice (different time zone, and I was working a lot, so it was hard to coordinate Skype times). They were completely fine.

In your situation I'd be with your mum.

DH works away 3 weeks at a time (6 week rota, 3 on and the 3 weeks off) and DDs (now 5 and 7) throw themselves at him when he gets home (today was one of those days).

There have been times when they've been a bit clingy, either to him, or to me but we treat it as a normal part of life. They speak to him on the phone (now that they're verbal, this has been going on a few years). I encourage them to make him 'art' and we build interesting lego things to show off. The time passes if you keep them occupied.

I've been away a couple of nights and I'm not sure they noticed!

During term time I work away and am therefore away from DS 3 to 4 nights a week. He's 6, and we've done this for just over a year. I was very worried about how he would cope as he had quite strong separation anxiety with me when he was a toddler. Short answer: it's a million times harder for me than it is for him! Children tend to accept and adjust to all manner of situations, mercifully, and he's just rolled with it. Of course there are times he's sad I have to leave, but he doesn't seem to fret or otherwise actively miss me while I'm gone. DH says it's pretty much out of sight, out of mind. We do speak and/or FaceTime once or twice a day -- we have really lovely conversations, actually, that are in some respects better than some of the face to face ones. I also make quite a fuss of him the 3 days I am home each week and during school holidays.

In your case I'd think any initial difficulty your DC have because your absence is unusual/unexpected will pass quickly, if it hasn't already, and they too will cope just fine. i completely understand the guilt and worry, but IMO staying with your DM would absolutely be the right thing to do, and not at all harmful to your little ones.

I would stay with your DM, you don't have long with her (so sorry OP) you won't be able to get that time back. And if you come back now and something sudden should happen to her, you may feel awful.

Not quite the same but last year I was pretty much absent from ds4 for 10 months. Not in the same way but. I was very ill and completely unable to parent him. I was in hospital a lot or in bed. Dh was primary parent. This went on for 6 months then I went back to work for 4 months which was 3 hrs away so for 4 nights a week I wasn't there. Ds was less cuddly and clingy to me throughout although I didn't really realise it until I was back home fully last October and he blossomed again and is now very cuddly and his behaviour is a lot better. Even if it is a bit hard on children having you away from them, they will get over it very quickly when you return!

When DS was 3, I had to go away to Africa for a week at short notice for work... DS missed me, was grumpy when I returned but soon forgave me. Now at 7 he doesn't even remember me going away.
DH goes away regularly for work from DSs birth to now, DS misses him but he's fine about it.
The kids will be fine, they are with daddy. Bring them a treat when you return and they will focus on the good things rather than missing mummy.