Not coping...

[RogerTheTodgerDodger]

3 children. 13, 4 and 15months. The 2 older ones bicker or run riot constantly. I hate having them together. 4 yo doesn't listen to a word I say and basically takes the piss and will do the opposite of what he's asked. 15 mo is stuck to me constantly too.
I love my kids more than anything and I'd be lost without them. But I'm NEVER alone. EVER!!
DH works hard and does help out but I need space.
My father passed away last year and I've barely had time to think about it! I look at his photo and wonder who he is, if I just imagined him!
I'm snappy with the kids. I find it so stressful being on my own with them and count down the hours until DH is home and I can go and spend some time alone(on the toilet!)
I'm a horrible person. Why can't I just get on with it like everyone else? My anxiety levels are through the roof.
Signed,
tired and sad mummy

Really sorry to hear you are feeling like that.
I don't have anything useful to say, just some questions in case it helps you think about it, but I know that I would be finding it hard with children those ages too. I have one toddler and even find that a bit full-on sometimes! I think 15 months is a hard age - mine is slightly older but he just wanted to run around all the time and didn't seem to be able to focus on anything for more than 5 seconds.

Do you get any time to do something for yourself, even if just a bath or going out for a walk for half an hour? Can the 13 year old mind the 15 month old sometimes while you spend quality time with the 4 year old?
Do you think it might be any easier now that the older two are presumably back at school/preschool? Did the holidays make it worse? Especially if you have been doing a lot of organising of Christmas stuff on top of the usual family organisation.

I have some issues with anxiety and have found that learning more about anxiety has helped me recognise when I am irrationally worrying and get a better perspective. Is it worth considering whether you could have depression or anxiety?
I hope you feel better soon.

You're not a horrible person. I hope you know that really.

I only have one child, so apologies if this is a really useless suggestion, but assuming the older two are at school/nursery, i wonder if there's some way you can get yourself a regular hour or so of time completely to yourself then? Leisure centre with a crèche, or anything? Even a well-timed nap which you definitely definitely don't use for housework?

Having no time to yourself is awful. Do you get a proper break at the weekend at all?

So sorry to hear you struggling. You really really are not a horrible person! Of course you want some time to yourself - because being a parent is exhausting and everyone needs at least some time to themselves and you have every right to try and carve out what time you can. Sorry - I don't have any useful suggestions, other than to agree that it helps to address your anxiety, if you haven't already. But I can at least hand you a nice and you can at least imagine me offering to entertain your children while you drink it hot!

I'll send them round shelduck!!
I've got an appointment with my gp on Monday so I'm going to chat to him about all this. He wanted me to go and see him a few weeks ago as I was freaking out about the youngest being poorly. I definitely have anxiety(always have) and yes, there's probably a bit of depression in the mix, too.
I tried anti depresants about 12 months ago and after taking ONE tablet I felt weird as fuck for about 10days! Sick, shaky, even more on edge than normal and my heart was racing constantly! I think counselling may be my next step...
Thanks for your replies

GP visit sounds like a good plan - hope they have some helpful suggestions.