I think my Stepfather is undermining me, am I right and should I say something?

[Glassofwine]

My mum and stepfather help with the lo's a lot - about once a week they help out and about once a month take all three for the weekend. The children have a great relationship with them and it's been a wonderful help to me over the years.

I am very fond of my Stepfather, but he is a bit old fashioned in his ideas men should be men etc. He often tells ds (almost 4) that he's being a baby, but never says the same to dds 5 & 7. I do think he's too tough on ds, but ds loves him and I think that it won't hurt him to understand that different adults act in different ways. SF is very cuddly too.

What I am finding really difficult is that when we are all together if ds is doing something wrong and I start to deal with is SF just cuts across me and tells him off. This anoys me because I think it's undermining and also his way is not mine, in that he'll just shout. I was on a parenting course last year and have lots of other ways before resorting to shouting.

Am I being ott or right to feel annoyed? How do I say somthing without upsetting him.

Could you take your Mum to one side and explain that your strategies are different from your SF and that you would like to be consistent in them and could she ask him to let you do the disciplining and perhaps follow your methods too?

I think that you're right to be annoyed - I'd find this annoying even if I agreed with the alternative strategy - if you're dealing with it, why does anyone else need to IMO?!

If you've got a good relationship with him and he's a strong person (sounds it), could you take him to one side and say that you really appreciate his help and that you want your children to understand that different adults respond in different ways, but that it is too confusing for your children to have more than one person telling them "off". If you don't object to your SF "disciplining" your children, then you could say that, but add that whoever starts it should finish it IYSWIM.

I have a similar issue with my SM, but although we get on brilliantly, she's a little insecure of our relationship because of her relationship with her daughter in law, so I have to tread with warmth (and humour!). Good luck!

My FIL did this and mh DH and I had to talk to him about it, it was almost like it sends the message that whilst at grandads house then what they say goes, despite what I say.

It starts with little things but then will get bigger. My FIL also hates any kind of emotion so when my ds1 fell over on concrete and cried he tended to say "you're alright" and when ds1 got upset he would try and jolly him out of it.

We had to say that children aren't robots, they have emotions and they shouldn't be ashamed of them. He also thinks that my ds is too soft and that I should like throw him into a swimming pool despite the fact that he is scared of the water. I asked my FIL if I took him (my FIL) to a tank of sharks and he didn't want to swim in it (shame) then if I threw him in would he ever trust me again????

Think most men of the older generation have that stiff upper lip attitude. Fortuntately my Dh was raised by his lovely mother who taught him about caring and empathy (he is fantastic)

LOL, I think my DH was raised by wolves, both his parents are very strange and lack in warmth, empathy and the other things mentioned in the post below and he turned out amazingly (his Dad still freezes when he hugs him). However, he still mourns the way his father's expectations are always very high and that nothing he does is good enough. I suppose what I'm saying is that people can survive this terrible parenting and still be OK, but much better that they shouldn't have to...

I think it is undermining you, I'd be annoyed about it. If you're happy for your children to learn that people act in different ways, maybe you could talk to him or your mum and explain that you appreciate all the help they give you with the children and while they are looking after them you are happy for them to do it their way, but while you are there you are in charge of your children and you'll discipline them your way, as they need to learn that you are consistent and will treat them the same no matter where you are.

Good luck anyway!

One of my favourite bits of pop history is where the headmaster of Eton declined to remove his hat when the King visited.
"IT would never do for the boys to think there was a greater man than theier headmaster", he explained.

Kids are very sensitive to social hierachies, and will exploit them without even the concept of ethics.
Someone who screws with your is not your friend. I'm all for boys being boys, and am vaguely sad with the way the media combines with the female dominance of early years, but a son's duty is to respect his mother.