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I feel awful about my relationship with dd1 (sorry long)

11 replies

TinsellyRhino · 16/12/2006 17:20

she's 6 and 1/2 and I can't seem to stop myself getrting angry and grumpy with her. she doesn't really do anyhting wrong except she doesn't do as sh'e told, you have to tell her a few times. Also if ytou say can you do x? she say 'I'll just do this' instead which is always an easier thing to do which doesn't end up with the result I was asking for in the first place. she constantly talks about nonsense which I guess is age related but why can't I find it in me to listen and interact with her, most of the time I want her to shut up and go away. she doesn't eat well at all, I can get her to try some things sometimes but as soon as it's in her miouth she wails I don't like it about every single thing she has ever tried thats new. I feel lke I am expecting too miuch from her but don't know how to stop. I watch programs like 'honey we're killing the kids' and 'house of tint tearaways' and everything they say makes sense but why can't I do it. One thing that I had started to think I should try was having some structured on to one time with her but don't know what we could do together, though cooking classes might be an idea but would have no clue where to find some. I don't like feeling like I would rather be with dd2 than dd1. I had severe PND after she was born and I'm not sure if that has something to do with anything. I know I screwed her up on the feeding side of things but now I don't know what to do to help her. I get angry when she says she's starving and then hardly eats what I give her (even if it's something she loves) she takes hours to eat anything. I know that it's not helping to get angry but I cqan't seem to help it, I don't have an action plan to use with her eating so that I can just breathe and carry out the plan IYSWIM
I really want to improve our relationship but I need strategies to cope and I have no idea where to start
I am THE most disorganised person in the world which she has learnt from me but for some reason her inability to remember what she needs dfor school or to put anyhitng away angers me. she also ALWAYS says 'I forgot' as if that excuses everything
like 'what did you have for lunch today?' I forgot
I asked you to put that away, why haven't you? I forgot
2 secs after I tell her to stop yanking dd2 around, 'I told you not to do that' I forgot
She forgets to wipe her bum and has skid marks all the time, not sure how to combat that one.
there is no routine in our house and I know thats not helping but I feel like I need someone to hold my hand and help me find and stick to a routine. there has never really ever been any discipline in th ehouse either . when she was about 3 she started misbehaving and I did the count to 3 and then you lose a toy thing. she lost a toy for a wekk once and then I never got past 2 when eevr I had to count again. Now I don't know how to discipline her never listening and 'foirgetting'
aaaaagh sorry , if you got this far, you deserve a medal, thanks for listeniong, sorry for the typing and merry xmas to all

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
reindeerkid · 16/12/2006 17:40

I havent really got anything helpful to say but i often find my self in that situation with dd i just cant help it. May be its stress thats what i put mine down to, as a single mum life is very hard at the moment and i feel worn out. Sorry i havent helpd. Have a great christmas

TinsellyRhino · 16/12/2006 17:42

thanks reindeer, have a happy xmas too

OP posts:
Pinotmum · 16/12/2006 17:48

I have a 6 yo dd and alot of what you say relates to her - forgetting stuff, not wiping her bum or flushing the toilet though I have been reminding her since she was 2 fgs!! It's all pretty normal imho. I have periods of getting cross and then thinking "whatever" and chilling about it. I think a star chart would work for her and telling her what you want her to do in a calm manner, down at her level. When I ask dd to do something she always has a delay tactic, so I tell her what I want her to do. She could help draw it up the chart with you. I think giving them some responsibility is good but you may have to help them along the way. Your pnd may well be contributing how you feel about her. Can't you just do cooking at home with her if you can't find lessons?

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hatwoman · 16/12/2006 17:49

TR, first off you relationship sounds very very normal. My dd1 is aslo 6 and a hlaf and really hard work at times. I also feel anger bubbling up inside me and find it difficult to do the things I know I should. first of all do you have a dp/h around? it's a joint problem and you need to talk it through together and make sure you're united on how to move forward. start small - just think about small positive things you can praise her for. think about small rewards - but keep them a bit general - don't get to the stage where she won;t do anything unless rewarded. One to one time is good. you can combine this with rewards. eg if she has done something good during the week, say on saturday that you'd like to go to a cafe with her for cake - because you were so helpful on thursday etc (requires careful balancing with dd2 obvioulsy, but can be done). also think about the particular situations where it tends to go wrong - getting ready for school/bed etc. And see what you can adjuct yourself to make it run smoother. I'm sure you know all these types of things and in many wyas I'm highly unqualified to advise as i have similar times myself. but I do know that these are some of things taht have worked for us. good luck and don;t beat yourself up about it. It's hard.

Twiglett · 16/12/2006 17:51

kids are 'noying

TinsellyRhino · 16/12/2006 17:53

thanks guys, hatwoman, yes I do have a dh but at the mo he is working long hours and isn't here much. also he is stressed about money and having trouble joining in with the family. we are trying to sort this out and he is supportive when he can be
I guess being 30 weeks pregnant with dd2 only 20 months mean I feel exhausted all the time and that can't be helping my patience
I think I will chill, sorry to hear that others are having the same troubles but it feels better to know that it's seems noral behaviour for her age and that will help me chill

OP posts:
hatwoman · 16/12/2006 18:04

chilling is very good. wine helps

busybusymum · 16/12/2006 18:10

Can I join in please.

My DD sounds like yours, although she is 11. (wont do what is asked, moans she is constantly hungry yet when we call her for a meal she never comes and needs calling several times (even if she is nearest and has heard) Leaves it too long before going to the toilet and therefore wets herself! Cant remember what homework she has or what was said at school even thought she has a diary........agh I could go on and on.

Just wanted to say you are not alone really!

Pinotmum · 16/12/2006 18:16

Yes, agree wine is great or beer come to think of it

TinsellyRhino · 16/12/2006 18:17

oooh I would love to have some wine but I haven't had a drink since I got pregnant and I think I would fall down if I had a single small glass lol

sorry to hear your having trouble too busybusymum

OP posts:
Pinotmum · 16/12/2006 18:23

I'll have one for you. I think in many ways 6 yo are still babies and I for one am guilty of expecting dd to be "grown up". She is the oldest (ds is 4 yo), she is bright and very sensible and trustworthy at school and seems so mature against her peers and people comment on this alot. I have to remind myself she isn't a teenager and that her behaviour at home is normal for her age. It must be hard being pregnant as well so I do sympathise

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