Dilemma with 17 yr old daughter!

[Bethieboo25]

Over the past year my daughter has been stretching the boundaries to say the least.
She constantly threatened to leave home, go to her dad's or friends or get her own place. So 5 weeks ago she wanted to go to a party (a 21st !) In a place that isn't too friendly and with ppl I don't know. I do try to give her a bit of leeway but in this instance it was a no go. So she blew up. This lead to other stuff being dragged up about how I am trying to control her etc. I have tried to explain to her that she will thank me one day for being concerned but she was won't listen. She is very stubborn and can sometimes be selfish (as are most at that age)
She is my only child,in had her when I was 17, and I don't want her making the same mistakes as me.
Her biological dad wasn't really that interested when she was young and when I was getting married 8 years ago he told her that he wouldn't see her anymore because I gave him too much hassle. He got married again and now has another 2 kids. We never heard another thing from him. And he has never paid child support either. That's a whole other story...
He did pay 50 pm for about 4 years then the csa reviewed our case and said he hadn't been paying enough as his earnings had increased and they then wanted 500 pm plus backdated money.... silly me for feeling sorry for him fone them and told them we were making a private agreement. Which we did for 200 pm. I didn't need any money from him as I have always worked and supported her on my own (until I got married anyway)... as soon as we had any disagreementn (usually because I was being messed about) he would stop coming for her and stop paying hos maintenance. 8 years ago he stopped all contact and never paid a penny more.
So back to present day, she contacted him a few months ago (which I did expect when she turned 16 anyway and always told her I would support her if she wanted to) but since then her whole attitude has changed towards me and her step dad (whom she has called dad for the past 6 years)
So a few weeks ago when we had the argument I tried to call her bluff and told her if she wanted to go then she should go. She fined her biological dad and he came to get her.
Since then I have had 4 hrs contact with her, which was very awkward, and a few txt here and there. My mum has tried to tell her that what she is doin is wrong but she is so stubborn and thinks she knows everything that she won't come home.
She has left college, unknown to me, but is still working
I am ab solute ly devastated by all of this.in feel like all the hard work over the past 17 years has been for nothin. I am blaming myself, I must have done something wrong.
I just really do t know what to do. I am so angry at her biological dad and step mum for not even contacting me to let me know she is okay or anything.
At the very least they should give me my place. And she has kids so I can't believe that as a mother she hasn't even considered my feeling and what has brought us to this. She has told them that I kicked her out. (I did mail them both to set the record straight though )

I know no one will be able to give me the answers and I am trying to just sit it out and hopefully she will come home soon but with Christmas comin (which I am dreading) I don't know how to cope. It really is killing me...

Sorry to have ranted on but thank you for reading and I really would appreciate any comments or experiences

"I tried to call her bluff and told her if she wanted to go then she should go."

I'm sorry you didn't get the outcome you wanted, truly.

fwiw, I don't think blaming yourself is helpful. When my kids are shits I don't blame myself. I don't take any credit when they do well, either. Some things come from within imho.

When your daughter is 17 I don't think it is a good idea to ban them from going somewhere. all you can do is advise or tell them why you would prefer them not to.
At 17 she is not a child. Ok, she may be living at home and 'depending' on you but as you have found out - that can change in an instant because she has gone, so now you have no alternative other than to accept it.

You ARE trying to control her, although you have her best interests at heart, you are also trying to minimise your own worries and fears by restricting her choices of where she wants to go.
I do agree with you 'calling her bluff' I wouldn't have my daughter threatening to leave and using the threat as a weapon.
My own daughter used to threaten to go to live with her Dad every time we had a disagreement and in the end I told her I did not want her to go but if she was going to keep threatening it then she should. It worked for me because she was back within 48 hours because her Dad was strict about everything!
All you can do is keep in touch as best you can, but don't do any begging for her to return because if you do she will walk all over you.

clearly i was far more trustworthy.

At 17 i drove my own car and as long as i was home by 11 pm and told my parents where i was going, i was allowed completely free reign on where i went and who i was with!

I can't think of one single occasion where my mum or Dad told me i wasn't ALLOWED to go some where!

I don't think I told my mother where I was going when I was 17,..other than saying 'I am going out'
I wasn't told what time to come in either and I had a key. Because I was trusted I was usually in before midnight anyway. There was nothing to rebel against.

Really hope none of u with the negative comment ever find ur self in this position!!!! I did give her freedom but told her what was expected, to let me know where she was and who she was with, when she would be in, ect, if she crossed the line there would be consequences..... and when she did, I was only ever try in to protect her from harm... so shoot me if that makes me a bad mum.

Of course we have fall outs with our parents, that just how it goes. God only knows how my mum put up with me, I was a nightmare. And I too left at 16 to go to my aunties, that latest 2 hrs and I phoned her to come get me. I still feel guilty to this day that I put her through just 2 hours of that kind of pain.

I'm still sitting here, no further forward. She's planned a wonderful Christmas with her new found family and has said she will come here on boxing day for dinner. But we will see if that happens because she has been comin a few times and not appeared.

I still don't know what is so bad that she would do this. Why can't she understand that everything i have ever done has been for her. My whole adult life I have only ever known being her parent and now it feels like that has totally gone.

I am keeping the communication open, just short txt to say hi n letting her know I love her but there is rarely any response as when there is its usually 1 word answers.

I can't even bring myself to wrap her Christmas presents, I constantly have this sinking feeling. I just can't even think of next year!

.

"Feels she is a fully in dependant adult "

Well she near as damn it is and that's the problem. You don't see it or don't want to. You also seem to have a problem with being told this by posters.

They aren't negative comments. They are comments assessing the situation from what you have said and you don't like the answers.

Did I read correctly that a 17 year old has a curfew ?

You are trying to control her and at that age she isn't going to like it. I'm not surprised she's moved out - not to say it's a good idea though.

You need to back right off and keep lines of communication open. Further pressure from you will push her further away I'm afraid.

No she didn't have a curfew as in being told when to be in.... simply to respect that she needs to be in for a decent hour as she has work next day (and out of respect for others in the house)
Bear in mind she was 17 this month's so she's hardly holds the world's answers!!!!

Anyway, by the sounds of it I have done everything wrong.... I have tried to control her, etc....

Sorry but I feel that all I have tried to do is bring her up properly by trying to stop her goin off the rails (as u will have read about the drugs etc I need say no more)

Maybe that is the problem too many parent not paying enough attention to kids be it a 10 yr old or 18 yr old.
Maybe if we all tried to discipline our kids there wouldn't be as much shit goin on in this world.

Anyway the point has been made and I'm defo on the wrong site for any support!! ( apart from the few who see thinge from where I'm sitting... )

Mumsnet is a great site for support of you are looking for it instead of wanting to be validated.

Perhaps I misunderstood the curfew comment.

I still stand by at 17 it's horrible but you have to let go. And she will make mistakes and it will be hard. But SHE has to make them. You can't protect her from that ; she has to learn for herself.

I seriously would try and back off and be...non committal about things. She might well come around.

It must be hard for you, I don't think anyone doubts that but at 17 teenagers don't care about their well being or safety or show a lot of respect for their parents ideas. I think you are expecting too much from her though.

You said Why can't she understand that everything i have ever done has been for her. My whole adult life I have only ever known being her parent and now it feels like that has totally gone.
Sorry but that sounds a bit martyrish - it's what parents do - bring their children up then they leave. I think you need to get used to the idea that they leave you on your own, that they don't need you forever.

I don't think it's fair to blame her dad and her stepmum - they have done absolutely nothing wrong and have no obligation to tell you anything. They will no doubt know some of the details of your falling out but expect they don't know the real story and are just trying to support your dd whilst trying to find their feet in this new relationship.

I was a nightmare when I was younger' I went out and all they got told was I'm going out, they didn't know where I was or who I was with or when I was going to be back. Back then was probably worse because they was no mobile phones or internet so they really had no idea where I was if I didn't go home. I thought it was my life and who are they to question me. I realise and understand now I've had my own children how much they worried but it's taken me a lot of years and maturity to get those feelings.